The Times Between

While I do not feel the heaviness of all that is adulthood recently, I wanted to share this little diddy I wrote anyway. To show that there are ebbs and flows. To show that the Lord is faithful to restore joy and peace and take away our burdens. Hebrews was right, There is hope that is the anchor for our soul. And joy does come in the morning. 
So, don't lose yourself in the moments of hopelessness.
Take captive your thoughts.
And lay it at His feet.
I can honestly say that right now, although no requirement of life for me has changed-my attitude and heart have. 
I will not be a person of negativity.
I will control what I think about. It will be what's pure and noble and praiseworty.
I will be a light. Not a miserable, doom-n-gloomer.
But only when I hide in His presence.
Stay in His word.
And talk to the one who is fully God and fully man.
The man who understands what it means to be in battle daily.
And I will be trained. And I will learn. And I will grow. And I will love.
        

 The Times Between

Meg Passarell

These times I cherish,

When lightning in my brain stops striking, electricity firing.

When the day's demands let me rest for a moment or two.

Working out.

Hands up, hands down. Abs clenched. Arms as heavy iron.

Acid built up, soreness creeps in.

But thoughts? None.

The few moments before the fog of sleep engulfs me,

Into my sheets and into another world.

But thoughts? None.

We are robots recharging.

These are the times I cherish.

So let me rest for a moment in between moments.

Let the oil stay unchanged.

The peppers molded.

Let the hair keep itself in the drain.
The crumb in the corner.

Let the shampoo and tofu scream out they are at the ends of themselves.

Let the wrinkles be happy they have made their home in fabric on my (unswept) floor.

While I breathe in and out...

And lift my legs to Ellen Barrett.

So let your worries be laid at His feet.

Because there is only this moment.
And moments have no mercy,

they are fleeting.

I want to be present for all of them. Fully. And with power.

(Ellen Barret is a Pilates video instructor) :O)

xoxo,

mp    

Dying

   
Next moment he was standing erect on the rock again, with that smile on his face and a drum beating within him. It was saying, “To die will be an awfully big adventure.” (from Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie)

If ever there was a depressing life “season” title this would be it, “Season of Dying”.
Yet, that’s exactly where I feel like I am.
Dying to self.
Dying to fears.
Dying to control.
Dying to pride.
Dying to others.
Dying to needs.
Dying . Dying. Dying.

It sounds depressing because it can be.
Some days I am full of hope and excitement about what all of this could truly mean if (when) I succeed.
And some days I am scared and sad.
The truth is, I am both.
Let’s be honest, aren’t we all?
Some days the knights and warriors in this battle we want to be…
And some days the meek and afraid soldiers behind rocks?

I mean, after all, Ephesians 6:14 says,
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places."

Rulers and powers.
Forces of darkness.
Wickedness in heavenly places.

It sounds like it’s out of a Harry Potter book.
So, I can’t be making this up.
I literally picture Mel Gibson in Braveheart. Bloody, screaming, determined.
It can be scary. And we are weak.

Ah, the word weak. The word I hate more than any other word.
To be vulnerable. To need someone or something outside of yourself.

Another part of this season.
-But what if they hurt me?
-What if they leave?
-What if I'm disappointed?

Weakness.
To not have all the answers.
But I am weak. And doesn’t the Word say that in this very weakness I despise, Christ is made perfect and His power reigns?

I also know fear has no place in this story of a battle of love and war. 2 Timothy 1: 7 says,
"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline."

Discipline. That word. Dying to another thing; what I want or feel is right in the moment.
1 Corinthians 9:27 paints a picture of a violent fight towards discipline. It potrays this as a very active engagement, not passive. This verse says,
“but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified.”

Discipline
Beat
Made a slave.

I didn't even have victory in discipline over the lemonade cake last weekend. How am I going to be able to beat this flesh of mine? But we can. And are called to.

What about this selfishness deep inside me. There certainly is no dearth of that.
Selfishness permeates every crevice of my being right now . Albeit a dramatic statement, it is true. My sincere prayer lately has been for God to change this. This notion of self-preservation is deeply planted in me for a variety of reasons. But God is faithful to finish the work He starts in us. Even today, I was more outside of myself that I have been in months. For the first time in awhile I saw the "urgent needs" of those around me. Scripture commands this of me. Titus 3:14 says,
“Our people must learn to do good by meeting the urgent needs of others; then they will not be unproductive.”
And I was able to be sensitive to that. I saw the janitor that just wanted to talk and share his life. I saw the student who needed to tell me about their weekend. I saw. I saw. I saw. And even though Im not totally there yet, at least I saw. That’s a step in the right direction.

Disqualified. Unproductive.
These are the consequences scripture gives me of selfishness.
And I don’t want those tattooed all over my life.

"You've tackled every job that ever came your way," Pa said. "You never shirked, and you always stuck to it till you did what you set out to do. Success gets to be a habit, like anything else a fellow keeps on doing." (from These Happy Golden Years by Laura Ingalls Wilder)

Here’s to the battle for our legacies.
Here’s to sticking with it even when it means dying.

Xoxo,
mp

One Thing

I was made to gaze all of my days

I was made to gaze on beauty

My beloved is Beautiful.

He's dazzingly and excellent.

He stands alone.

One thing have I desired of the Lord

That one thing I seek...

to know You.

-Cory Asbury, "My Beloved"

International House of Prayer

Jesus,

You are the one thing I seek.

The one thing that satisfies.

The one thing that quenches my thirst.

The one hope that anchors my soul.

The one thing that never fails me.

To one thing that never leaves me.

The one thing that can be trusted.

The One who does what He says.

The One who heals.

The One who strengthens.
The One who enlightens.

The one thing that can deliver.

I want to know You.

To be delivered from deception.

And fantasy.

And know truth.

And walk in reality.

I want to be prepared.

I want to be whole.

I want to be healed.

I want to be cleansed.

I want to serve.

I want to give.

I want to be consecrated to You.

I want to become the dream of Your heart.

Draw the line in the sand, my weak feet will step over towards you.

"…it had opened her eyes to the fact that right down in the depths of her own heart she really had but one passionate desire, not for the things which the Shepherd had promised, but for Himself. All she wanted was to be allowed to follow Him forever.
Other desires might clamor strongly and fiercely nearer the surface of her nature, but she knew now that down in the core of her own being she was so shaped that nothing could fit, fill, or satisfy her heart but He Himself. “Nothing else really matters,” she said to herself, “only to love Him and to do what He tells me. I don’t know quite why it should be so, but it is. All the time it is suffering to love and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love Him in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist.”
-Hinds Feet on High Places, Hannah Hurnard

Rainbows

(Source)

Like the appearance of the bow that is in the cloud on the day of rain, so was the appearance of the brightness all around. Such was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the Lord. And when I saw it, I fell on my face, and I heard the voice of one speaking"

Ezekiel felt in 1:28 "

William and I were driving to my house yesterday and ahead of us, with luminosity and commanding attention a rainbow was shooting down from parted clouds to the ground. I immediate felt God say, 

"This is a reminder of Daddy's promises to you"

And it stunned me, it humbled me, and it was comical.  Not only because immediately in my head I heard the line from a song "Hold On" by an early 90's group, Wilson Phillips, that goes:

♫"I know that there is change but you hold on for one more day.

And you break free from the chains.

Don't you know, things will change, things will go your way,

If you hold on for one more day." ♫

(He definitely has no partiality for the things He uses sometimes to speak to us, ha!)

And I was reminded of what the Word of God says about rainbows. In Genesis 9:12-13 it says, "And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth. "

As I'm sitting down this morning/afternoon to spend time with Jesus, I'm listening to the IHOP Prayer Room. If you haven't spend time in there listening to live streaming of worship 24/7, I recommend you do. There is such anointing in spontaneous worship and reading of the word. It has sparked fire in me, led to fetal position crying, and been used by God to speak truth. I am currently being called to examine my heart and the areas I did not let Him touch before. This year is going to be about learning spiritual warfare. While listening to the prayer room, I heard them singing this song. It stopped me mid-sentence in writing:

♫ I must train like an athlete, growing a little stronger each day. I must be diligent like a farmer, knowing I’ll see the fruit one day. I must fight like a soldier, lest I become a casualty. For every day, I am fighting here…on the battlefield of this age ♫

♪God, help me to be sober-minded, vigilant and self-controlled. For my enemy is like a lion, seeking whom he may destroy. So I open up my mouth and speak it helping myself to believe  that I have the power to defeat him, as I am seated now with Christ ♪

Lord, reveal the little things. That in months even years may trip me up.
I am in a war, so give me divine strategy.
Help me as your athlete. Lord teach me. Train me. Reveal things in my life that need to change.
Even the little things I do or don't.
I know you wouldn't put me in a race unless I could win. And the only way I can win is with your help.
I know I am in a war everyday. BUT LORD You are great. So much greater than I.
So much stronger than I.

I am strong with the grace that is in Christ Jesus.

Strengthened with the might by the Holy Spirit.

I've seen it in my life so many times. I invite you in.

Reveal the patterns in my life that I do not see. That will trip me up in the days to come.

I want to fight the good fight. I want to finish the race. I want to keep the faith. 

The wind will beat on my house and it will not fall.

It will be founded on the Rock that is higher than I.

I want to build upon the rock.

There is a way that seems right to a man but it leads to death.

I don't want to be a foolish man building my house upon the sand.

When the winds come it will be washed away.  

Because the way to life is straight & narrow & few follow.

Lord, Your words pull me out tenderly.

I don't want to just hear Your Word. I want to do Your will.

I will not be moved. Though the storm may rage around me.

Build my house upon the rock of Jesus.

Once more, you will shake everything that can be shaken.

Shake off everything until I stand with only what will last.

Crumble around me all the things I hold in idolatry and the things that deceive me as security.

Even if I'm left with only a concrete foundation.

Make what's left Your unshakeable Kingdom.

♫ I say yes. I make the choice again.

Over and over. It's not just one time I say it.

One foot in front of the other I will do Your will.

Step by step.

Day by day.

Choice by choice.

Yes by Yes.

The Lord is ravished with one yes of my heart. ♫

So, Jesus, even if this asks everything of me...
I will remember Your promises.
And I'll hold on.


xoxo,
mp

What Will You Do?

There are always scary things happening in the world. There are always wonderful things happening. And it’s up to you to decide how you’re going to approach the world…how you’re going to live in it, and what you’re going to do. (from Countdown by Deborah Wiles)

Oh, my. Within the past 6 days my heart has been ripped out, it has been poked at, examined, stretched, and broken. It has also been brought back together and held in the palm of His hand. It's amazing what can happen in 144 hours. Or 8640 minutes. Or 518,400 seconds.  Everything can happen. 

Remember when I posted last time about God speaking to me about a new season of Him as 'Daddy'? Well, that couldn't have come at a more appropriate time. You see, Fathers are there to support you and protect you. But a Daddy is different. A Daddy holds you while you are crying, He rocks you to sleep, He kisses your cheeks, and He calls you princess. A Daddy can be so much more. 

Saturday night I found myself crying out for 'Daddy'. And He came. (He always does, doesn't He?!)

I am going to be vulnerable here and show you two different passages from my journal. 6 days apart. 

Passage 1-  (The Day the World Caved In)

"I am exhausted thinking about life and what it will take me to get through every battle and storm. The fight, the fight, the fight. The relying on You and not myself. The battle. I don't want to fight. I told You I couldn't do this. This ONE thing I couldn't handle. So what's the goal?  I'm tired. I feel like I can't do this. I can't be strong. Not for me or for anybody else. And I wanna give up. I want to just break down. Let it all flood over me and consume me. I don't wanna pray. I don't want to fight. I want to crawl in a hole with you, Jesus."

Passage 2- (The Day(s) God Begin to Be Strong in my Weakness)

"I realize You are doing a serious work in my heart.You don't want to leave any area left in me untouched by Your redemptive hand. And You'll do anything or use anything to get me there. I thank you for the protection and care of a Daddy. For looking out for me. Speaking to me. Healing me. Holding me. Enlightening. Strengthening when I didn't think I had an ounce left in me. For bringing me all the things I needed to fight. For ripping out or tugging at roots that prevent wholeness and closeness to You. For a church body. For seasons. For Your perfect timing in everything. For promises fulfilled. And for discipline. Yes, even discipline. 

What's my point? Things will change. He comes through when you can't. Even when it seems like your world is crashing down, it's not. He really can do what you think can't be done.  He does bring hope to a hopeless situation. He does come in on your behalf and infuse you with strength when you are completely empty. He does revive areas of your heart that have died or have been locked away. He will reach down and mess with wounds that are infected and injured if it means He can touch it with life-changing medicine. And it WILL hurt. And you won't want to feel it. But He will even help you with wanting help from Him.

Pslam 147:10-11 "His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse nor His delight in the legs of a man; the Lord delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His unfailing love"

He doesn't want me to be strong enough. Or brave enough. Or enough of a fighter. He wants me to throw myself at His feet and be held by my Daddy when I have no hope. And He will flood me with hope and His unfailing love.

John and Stasi Eldridge in Love & War put it this way, "There are certain things you never discover about God until you go through hard times; there are things you never discover about yourself, too".

And their quote resonates with me. There is something powerful about valleys with the Lord. Something sweeter and deeper than any mountain top season you have with Him. Because there are no short cuts in this Kingdom. If you want healing, it will hurt. If you want freedom, you will sweat and bleed for it. If you want worth, you will die to all other areas.

Right now, I picture a little girl getting a sliver stuck in her finger. Her Daddy brings her on His lap and tells her to look away. He tells her that it's going to hurt at first but then it will get a lot better. She asks Him if she could just leave it in there because she's too scared of the pain and doesn't realize how good it will feel to have it out. Fear does this. He explains that if it stays, it will get infected and become much more painful. What else can she do? She doesn't know another alternative and she's on his lap now. So, she relectantly agrees...hoping he is right. Excrusiating pain follows and then...relief. He was right! She is amazed looking at the spot on her finger which once caused her so much agony. And he smiles, holding the sliver in the tweezers. Showing her what it was he took out.

I feel like this with God right now. Except this is no sliver. What we deal with is much more than sliver and scrapes. Sin erodes the soul. The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy. And if he can't lull you to sleep with complacency, he will do just about anything else it takes. BUT GOD comes to bring life and restoration. He comes to make all things new. To use what the devil meant for evil as good. To revive areas in our life that have died. To bring hope that anchors our soul. To equips us to deal with the trials we face. And to persevere. For our character. To be complete and lacking nothing.

So, Jesus, here I am.

Sometimes barely, sometimes fiercly. 

 And I call out FEAR and CONTROL and INSECURITY.

I lay them at Your feet while You hold me.

Do what You have to do. 

It's gonna be worth it.

So, what will you do?

xoxo,

mp 

God is Daddy.(?..!)

 Jesus revealed something to me as I spent some time with him this past Saturday, the morning of my friend's wedding. He began to put the pieces together for me. You see, for the past few months I have been getting this constant whisper about children being the prize of their parents. How every parent talks constantly about their child, no matter what age they are. About their accomplishments, about their travels, about their grades, about their teething. It doesn't matter what it is, they want to share it. They have pictures and stories they bring into every conversation, and rightly so. These are the human beings they have poured their life into. There's something in a parent that recognizes that their child is, well, their legacy when they are gone. I have never really understood this because I'm not a parent. But lately God keeps bringing this thought up and telling me to meditate on it and pay attention to it. And then, that morning He began to show me why.

He is like that with me. I am His child and He is proud to talk about me, think about me, share in my accomplishments, rejoice when I take my first spiritual step or smile when I conquer some obstacle in my life. In me is His legacy, He uses me to glorify Him. And then He brought it all together,

"Meg, I am going to begin to reveal myself to you in this season as 'Daddy'."

I honestly think this all came to a head this weekend. My friend who got married kept talking to her father and calling him daddy. Then Friday night as we were finishing up preparing the church for the wedding that would happen the next day. Michael, my friends fiance then and husband now, and a few of us began to pray before we left. He over and over again kept referring to God as 'Daddy' and called Him that in prayer. Afterwards in my journal I wrote the following,

"Lord, why am I so uncomfortable hearing that term for You? What about it makes me cringe or feel a sense of awkwardness? Have I not let You take that role in my life?"

And then I knew. I hadn't let Him be that for me yet. I don't even know what that would feel like or how that looks. Growing up, I didn't have a 'Daddy'.

And I realized that Jesus had already revealed so many parts of His character that were at the time radical for me to understand:

 Knight ---> Lover ---> Father ---> Daddy

Knight- When He rescued me and saved me. When I was a damsel in distress and He came along.

Lover-When He then began to woo me and relentlessly pursue me. When He called me beautiful.

Father-When He showed me He would protect me and could comfort me. That He can be trusted.

Daddy- And the new thing He wants to reveal about Himself. The new dynamic He wants to bring into our relationship...    

And really, hasn't this been in scripture all along?

In Romans 8:15 Paul tells us that we have "received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out Abba, Father."

The word “Abba” is an Aramaic word that would most closely be translated as “Daddy.” It was a common term that young children would use to address their fathers. It signifies the close intimate relationship of a father to his child, as well as the childlike trust that a young child puts in his “daddy.”

What a beautiful and radical thing this is, to have a God constantly revealing Himself to us in a myriad of ways and calling us out of one season into another. Jesus, reveal this part of yourself to me. I open up my heart to Your Holy Spirit and welcome you in. Do whatever it is You want to do in my heart, bring up wounds to heal, draw me into You, and make us closer together than we were before You whispered this word.

So, where on the spectrum are you with the Lord right now?
Is He your knight?
Is He your lover?
Is He your father?
Is he your Daddy?
...has He revealed a part of His character to you that is totally different than all of these?
Because He is all of these. And so much more.

And on that note, I'll try to not feel so awkward when I start to call you 'Daddy'.
Here goes nothing...

xoxo,
mp

My Inheritance

So the Lord gave Israel all the land which He had sworn to give to their fathers, and they possessed it and lived in it. And the Lord gave them rest on every side, according to all that He had sworn to their fathers, and no one of all their enemies stood before them; the Lord gave all their enemies into their hand. Not one of the good promises which the Lord had made to the house of Israel failed; all came to pass. 
Joshua 21:43-45

 As I sit here this morning on Christmas eve, reading in Joshua, I reflect on this year. And what I keep hearing Him whisper is His unchanging promises. What He has said before, it will come to pass. He always finishes what He starts. What has God said to you that you have given up on? Maybe too much time has filled the space between then and now. Maybe too many obstacles appear before you. Maybe you are not where you were with Him since He spoke it to you. But He always finishes what He starts.

Joshua is a pretty remarkable, albeit long tale of allotments of inheritance(!). I swear, 8 chapters seem to be dedicated to going through precisely which land by which river in which geographical location in relation to other allotments God has alloted for each tribe. I admit, I skimmed past all of this...but Joshua has been so great to read. A few things I have been taking from it: 

• Just because God promises something, doesn't mean it won't require everything from you to make it happen.  

 God said there would be a promise land. He made it clear that it would be theirs and that the wandering time would be over. But I was surprised to see even after that desert place they endured, they had to fight so many battles to conquer and win it over. And while God always went before them and gave them their enemies, they had to fight. I'm sure it required stepping out in faith more times than not while coming up against seemingly insurmountable obstacles. I envision battle scenes, blood and sweat, heavy breathing and shaking knees. But God always came through. 

•  The battles you are fighting now have consequence for more than just your life. 

 Joshua 14:9 says "The land on which your feet have walked will be your inheritance and that of your children forever, because you have followed the Lord my God wholeheartedly" When I read this, I remembered that time years ago before battles in my own life began where God promised that every generational thing would stop with me; Alcoholism, drug abuse, insecurity, rebellion, hard heartedness,wandering, anger, abuse. It stopped with me if I said yes. If I agreed to what He was asking of me and endured the uprooting and fight, it stopped. I remember getting an image in my head of standing on a huge flight of stairs. I had my hands stretched out towards the top of the stairs, holding back what seemed like gallons of black tar and sludge. And it stopped right where my feet stood. What does all of that mean? My decisions would effect generations after me. My children wouldn't know what I knew or my mother knew or her mother knew. It started new. And it started with my 'yes'.

• Once your inheritance is given, you have to make a concious decision to go from what you were to taking up what you're called to be.

These men and women fought for the promise. God came through. The story of Joshua for many chapters talks, as I said, about allotment over allotment. But right in the middle of the tale this scripture stands out: Joshua 18:3 "So Joshua said to the Israelites, "How long will you wait before you begin to take possession of the land that the Lord, the God of your fathers, has given you?" What?! You'd think they'd be ecstatic. Here was the time, the moment they had been waiting for. What was keeping them? I am no biblical scholar, but sometimes I see symbols and parallels in my own life. I think change was scary. They only knew what they had always known. Maybe they didn't even know how to function like this. How to take the land and start this new season. And change, even if what you're in is miserable, is sometimes scarier than just staying where you are. But pick it up, and walk in that promise you have been working towards!

And then, my favorite part of all of this entire story in Joshua. What I read that made me take a step back and realize what season I am really in,

"So the Lord gave Israel all the land He had sworn to give their forefathers, and they took posession of it and settled there. The Lord gave them rest on every side, just as He had sworn to their forefathers. Not one of their enemies withstood them; the Lord handed all their enemies over to them. Not one of all the Lord's good promises to the house of Israel failed, every one was fulfilled"

And that's when I saw clearly. It's almost like a child having a dream, kicking and functioning as if the dream was real...and they wake up and realize where they actually are. My wandering time in the dessert is over, my battling for my inheritance and the promises of God is over, and here I stand...my inheritance carved out for me, He has delivered all my enemies into my hands, and all He said He would do He did. And now, I have to decide to take posession of it. To now fully function and live in that new season. It is radically different from everything I have known and requires setting down everything I used to be familiar with. It requires me to be willing to come into a new season, even. Settling here. Rest on every side. This doesn't mean the battling stops or that new things won't be required of me, but I have to settle into this new land He has given me. Make it my own. Accept the rest He promised.

So thank you, Lord. For coming through on all Your promises. And for then, setting us down in the middle of safe pastures. Thank you for being who You said you are. And for doing what You said You'd do. I thank you for chance after chance. I thank you for patience, grace, and redemptive power.

And thank You for the kisses of Your word.

Help me to take possession of my inheritance, of the allotment.

xoxo,

mp