Brave, Generally

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"I'm very brave generally," he went on in a low voice: "only today I happen to have a headache." 
 (from Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll)

 I started reading Joshua this morning. Two words kept sticking out to me:

Strong. Courageous.

God tells the people, "Be strong and very courageous." and then later says, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged."

While I do think sometimes it's easier to become discouraged, I am realizing that courageous and brave is not what I had thought it to be.

 Something struck me a few months ago while I was waiting at a red light.

(Side note: I rarely have such profound thoughts at red lights. Typically, I am impatient.

I wish I'd get better at not wasting my moments while I'm at red lights.

Did you know the average person spends 2 weeks of their life waiting for the traffic light to change? That's two weeks I'll never get back being antsy....)

My whole life I have thought that being brave or having courage meant you didn't actually feel that scaredy-pants-pang down deep in your gut. I always thought it was talking about those brave few souls. The people who never feel the butterflies in their stomach, or the roller coaster ride pit/I'm-going-to-puke Feeling. I always thought of them entering into these situations free from all doubts and worries.

They weren't like me, calculating everything that could go wrong.

They weren't like me, speaking doubts and fears out-loud to myself the whole way there.

They weren't like me, convinced I'd fail before I started.

But the truth is, being brave doesn't mean you don't feel all those things, it just means you walk forward in the face of all of those feelings anyway.

I think everyone who has walked into a burning building was still scared.

And I think every man's heart who has protected his family from an intruder 

was bursting out of his chest.

And every woman who went into labor was nervous.

But they all did it anyway.

My problem is I tend to be immobilized by fear, initially.

I needed to say everything that could go wrong before I would move forward.

It almost seemed like if I was able to point to all the things stacked up against me, I wouldn't be such a failure if it all went wrong. I couldn't be held responsible.

But the truth is, God doesn't expect me to not have some queezy, can-I-really-do-this feelings. But He does expect me to move forward anyway.

Right after the Lord commanded people in Joshua to be courageous and strong, he also said,

"For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go"

So, I want to start making it a habit of accepting my scared feelings as normal,

Not pointing to everything that could potentially go wrong,

And walk forward in the face of it all anyway.

Because He gets that I'm a scaredy-cat. But He also reminds me He's with me.

So grab His hand the next time you're scared...and walk anyway.

xoxo,

mp

The Unchanging In My Change

"The stationary, yet incomprehensible constant. You cannot change, yet You change everything. You are never new, yet never old. But You make all things new."

-The Confessions of St. Augustine

I recently started reading The Confessions of St. Augustine. St. Augustine was a writer of theological works, his life span from 354-430. Why chose to read works from such an 'old man'? Nothing is new under the sun. I had a desire to read about revelations or insights or God's work from awhile ago. I think I need to be reminded of how big He is and how long He has been doing what He has been doing. I wanted to also gain wisdom from people awhile ago. Sometimes, exposing yourself to perspectives only within a certain season gives you a limited scope. What was this man struggling with back then? What were his sins? How did he approach God? What was God like then?
I think the truth is, St. Augustine sat in a room wondering how He got where He was, too.
He asked God for help to love his Creator just like the rest of us when our fire grows cold.
I'm sure at times He tried to earn grace.
And He, too, was frustrated with His limitations and sinful nature.

But it's so refreshing to see that God has always been and will always be exactly the same.

So, as sort of an ode to St. Augustine...

Thank you, Jesus.

I want so much, but can give back so little.

I make promises, just to muscle through them and fail.

I'm reminded of truth, only to forget not long after.

I hear your whispers, only to block out your voice.

I'm stilled, and then I pick back up anxiety.

I'm washed clean, to roll back around in dirt.

My hears cries out, only to be hardened again.

Tears fall, fortresses go back up.

But You, Lord, stay the same through the ages.

I'm so grateful that it's impossible to do this life with Him through my own strength.

I'm breathless when I realize His love for people who can't seem to get it together.

And I've fallen in love with a God I so easily fall out of love with.

Because, He will never change.

No matter how many times I do.

Ephesians 6:8 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--"

When you feel out of love or distance seems like home,

When you just came seem to pull it together,

When you thrash about in your heart's changing nature,
When you've found yourself back to what you ran away from,

When you've failed more times than you care to think about...

He will always finish what He starts in You.

After all, God is not surprised by our failures.

But He is a jealous and determined God.

xoxo,

mp

For His Glory (The Worst of Sinners)

-Quick Journal Sketch by William Head:)

Yesterday, William and I got to church early. We were suppose to have a membership meeting but it got canceled. Instead, we got a chance to sit while they practiced worship. I started to just flip through the highlighted sections of my bible and read out scripture to both of us. While listening, William sketched me. Afterwards during worship, I was so filled with thanksgiving. First, for realizing I was sitting in a place of worship with a man who is the promise of God fulfilled in my life, realizing God has given me all the desires of my heart (I mean, a man who wants to sketch you and listen to the Word of God read out loud?!)

 I feel like God in a rush of an instant went through the story of His love for me so far. Rapidly, snapshots and images ran through my head of different time frames of my life, seasons, and moments with the Lord. Afterwards, God had me sit down during worship and write the following:

"1 Timothy 1:16 'But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on Him and receive eternal life.' Jesus, as I reflect on my life, I can't believe how true what you said in the darkness with me really is. When I was spinning in circles, confused, lost, and really bruised...You began the work in me. You slowly began bandaging me up. You began whispering to the places deep inside me. 

It was dark...but You spoke light.

You slowly increased light, gently revived my heart, gave me hope, and brought me to life. You stripped me down and ripped out the entangling weeds around my heart and spirit. You brought me into covering, a place of community, of discipleship, of structure and of safety. But only after our time together. You spoke to areas that hurt the most and You proved yourself trustworthy with my hurting heart. You slowly showed me I could stop running and that I could let go.

You reconstructed the identity I thought I had...or the one I didn't yet have and set it on a solid and unmovable rock.

I didn't believe I could be made whole, let alone brought into a spacious and peaceful place. You gave me hope and trained me to believe in things unseen. You taught me about batting, about perseverance, about Your Fathership and Leadership. You brought to me a mentor and friend who walked with me through the hardest times and gave me wisdom and tools to fight. You tore down my entire old house and build a new one from the group up. And in the right time and not a moment too soon or late...you brought me him. William. Only after discipleship, after I had routine, after I was surrounded by good community, and after healing. You brought me to the farthest place I could go and you knew we would be able to take each other to other places we couldn't without each other. 

And now I am settled. I have victory in the battle with emotions and with the past and with hurt and with sin. I have structure. I have safety. I have an identity in You. I have support and love. I know what brings me life and what brings death. I've stopped running from what You wanted to accomplish in me and I let you do what needed to be done. And all along the way I kept crying out, "Jesus, don't give up on me." as I stumbled and fell and got back up again.

And now, it's calm. Peaceful. Quiet.

And I have a teammate to hold hands with and walk into this next season.

Thank You. For pushing me forward when I didn't think I could take one more step. For giving me strength to persevere when I couldn't imagine my heart bearing a single ounce more.

You made me whole and you now are refining me.

And the best part, the most valuable lesson I got from all of this...You did this because You delight in me. And most importantly, 

You did this for everyone else coming behind me. 

For Your glory, for others. That I may speak with power to the same areas in others hearts. Because I have victory in those places. Because there were no short cuts taken. Because I know by testimony and tears the power of your resurrecting love and faithfulness.

Thank you. I can only show You thanks with my worship. With my life. Dedicated to you.

So use me. I'll say yes. Never let me go."

You see, my story of coming to know the Lord was not a quick and radical change from the way I was. It was a slow, painstakingly slow, process of becoming consecrated to the Lord. And He was patient. And He was faithful to His promises.

Recently, I revisted my old church. The place I got saved at, the place where it began. One of the members there kept looking at me, almost confused about what it was that was different. He just kept saying "You have matured, Meg somethings different. You're mature". I could tell he kept looking on, kept pondering what it was that seemed different than the last time he saw me.

Later on that day, a friend I visited with texted me this:

"He kept saying you have matured. But I think you are now whole"

God will finish the work that He started in you.

And He will use it for His glory.

xoxo,

mp

One True Love

 

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 Tonight, as I'm sitting in my living room with dim Christmas lights, worship, and a warm blanket, I'm realizing...I need this.

I need to be stilled. To be calmed. To have storms raging outside and be pulled into His presence.

It's been too long.

And no matter what is happening outside, nothing else matters. 

There's no other place I'd rather be.

How quickly I forget.

Thank you, Jesus. 

Tonight, I'm reminded of my First Love. The One who has chased me, who has picked me up, who has molded me and protected me. The One who has looked upon me with passion when I could barely stand up from the ashes. And the One who smiles when I have victory.

A book I used to love, "Hinds Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard comes to mind tonight...

"…it had opened her eyes to the fact that right down in the depths of her own heart she really had but one passionate desire, not for the things which the Shepherd had promised, but for Himself. All she wanted was to be allowed to follow him forever.
Other desires might clamor strongly and fiercely nearer the surface of her nature, but she knew now that down in the core of her own being she was so shaped that nothing could fit, fill, or satisfy her heart but He Himself. “Nothing else really matters,” she said to herself, “only to love him and to do what he tells me. I don’t know quite why it should be so, but it is. All the time it is suffering to love and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love him in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist...."

He goes before me. He is behind me. He is all around me.
And I so happy to be in the middle of a love story unfolding.
To be in the middle of a battle raging. And be taught to fight by the King Himself.
And to enjoy in the promises He has brought.
And to learn...goodness I pray I would never stop learning.

Thank you, Jesus. 

For being what I couldn't.

And for turning ashes into beauty.

Make me like You.

And show me You. 

Enjoy your night of wind and rain,

mp

God Is An Investor

This weekend, William and I went on a wine making adventure. We took a drive to Ontario, New York where someone I know has a house settled by the lake with acres of delicious concord grapes.

This was super exciting for four reasons:

1. Adventuring with William is one of my favorite things to do. Along with working as a team.
2. I have wanted to get out and do an exciting fall adventure.
3. Making wine has been on our project list and we were finally starting it!
4. The grapes were FREE (thank you, Jesus!)

With all of that said, it was a really great day. Lots of outside, lots of picking, lots of laughs, and lots of indoor wine making steps ending with this beauty below (that we now affectionately refer to as our 'baby')...

 So we waited with excitement, anxiously anticipating our BUBBLES. These bubbles would indicate that all of our hard work paid off and the fermentation started. We waited, we checked up on it, we walked by it over and over again....

And for the first day, our wine did not bubble AT ALL.

As the wine sat there not doing what it was suppose to do Will and I talked about how even if this first batch botches, we are determined to try again. I think this is primarily because we are stubborn and will work at something until it's how we want it but ...

It's also because we have an investment in this now. 

We don't want to waste the money (and the time) that we have put into it.

Sitting in church yesterday God spoke to me and I realized,

God has an enormous investment in US.

Bigger than money.
Bigger than carboys and tablets and time spent mushing up grapes (and feeling like fiber glass was all over our arms afterwards!)
He invested His only Son.
So that we could exchange our sin for His glory.

"Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature." Romans 13:14

This 'rather' speaks to me about exchanging one thing for something better. And we couldn't have had this exchange if not for His investment. We would be still in our 'filthy rags', unable to take them off, unable to find anything new to put on, unable unable unable.

Back to investments. Someone with an investment doesn't just give up when there's trouble or it doesn't go smoothly.
Our wine wasn't bubbling right away but I kept checking. I must have walked over there a million times and looked at that carboy filled with juice and grape skins not doing what I wanted it to do. What it should be doing.

How much more does God think about us? Work with us? Chase us? Redeem us? Cover over us with the blood of His son?

In Zechariah 3:2 it's put this way, "Is not this man a burning stick snatch from the fire?".
He is passionate about us. He would stick His hand in hot coals to grab us from our mess. He has loved us with an everlasting love. For goodness sake, the entire old testament is a story about a God so in love with His people that He forgives over and over just crying out, "If only you'd turn away from those things and repent". Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn't. But His pursuit never ended. 

Do we think that because we fall and fail and continually strive but not meet this level of holiness we so desire...that He just gives up?
He doesn't.
His desire is that we would be saved, and then be used.

"In Him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in Him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit" Ephesians 2:21-22

God's been working on my house for several years now. He demolished it, rebuilt the foundation, threw out the junk, reworked the electric, and as of recently did the nice stuff...painted, decorated, etc. And now...He wants me to do what this has all been for...be His house, created to do good works.
He didn't save me just so I could sit in my metaphoric house enjoying my nicely painted walls.
He did it so that I would want:

To seek out the broken.
To minister to the hurting.
To lead by example.
To snatch others from the grip of the enemy.
To speak truth in love.
To demolish all arguments that set themselves up against the truth of God.
And to help others let God rebuild their house. To tell of what can be done.
To stand as a testament to His power and purpose.

But, remember, Romans 2:8 says, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves". Your quest for holiness, for keeping your House a place where He can dwell and use you...will never be met and maintained on your own power. You didn't know your house was a mess, you didn't know it needed to be rebuilt, you didn't know where or how to start, and you certainly won't be able to do this....without Him.

So press in.
And when you fail or accusations come from the enemy against you (sometimes pointing to very true things in your life) remember two things:

1. You are, in fact, a mess. And need Him. Sometimes what the enemy is saying IS true. But...
2. God does not give up on His investment. And He wouldn't invest in something that He didn't KNOW would come together in the end.

So let God work out His investment in You.
Someday you  might just start bubbling...

xoxo,
mp

Hinds Feet on High Places

“I am afraid,” she said. “I have been told that if you really love someone you give that loved one the power to hurt and pain you in a way nothing else can.”
“That is true,” agreed the Shepherd. “To love does mean to put your self into the power of the loved one and to become very vulnerable to pain, and you are very much-afraid of pain, are you not?”

-Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurdard

First thing, if you haven't read the above book...I highly recommend it. This allegorical novel speaks to the depths of our souls. It enchants us, it challenges us, it pierces the places we try to hide, and it breathes and brings life.

Secondly, I am a girlfriend.

I say this because, this is a scary thing. 

To be in a relationship that is serious  and not some flippant thing. 

...one that you are fully invested in...is scary.

It's scary because, as Much Afraid realized, you let down all of your tall walls of protection so that the other person might come in and really know and love you.

But it is also a beautiful thing.

A thing that changes and grows and takes on different shapes and forms in various seasons.

It seems that part of God's design in relationships and ultimately marriage was to make us more like Him. To show us the parts of ourselves that are selfish and impatient. To learn to daily die to what we think we are entitled to, to pride, or to the 'victory' that comes in being right.

And it's hard.

Hollywood lies. Storybooks lie. Facebook lies. Older couples lie. Even our friends lie.
Because the truth is, it's hard, and it takes work, and it can be painful, and there really is an enemy that wants to wage war on your relationship.
 

But while we are trying so hard to not be found out (as people who are imperfect and struggle with many things...including the other person at times) we have missed the power that comes with honesty. When you are honest with the people God has put around you (and honest with God), this power can bring radical change to their relationships and heart.

Recently, I had a very raw and open conversation with God. And then one with a girlfriend on a long car ride. What I realized is that certain things need to change, that I was imperfect, and that we all along the way need a wake-up call...something to jolt us back into reality and into a walk that resembles more of Jesus. 

And God is faithful to give you everything you need to be able to do this as soon as you surrender it to Him. We are coming out of Rosh Hashanah (The Jewish New Year) and entering into Yom Kippur...a time of really letting the Holy Spirit reveal to you the hidden things in your heart.

I am encouraged that it's a New Year and a new season.

And as I began to embark on this journey, God prepared me with scripture I would need to be sustained and encouraged. Before I'm done, I wanted to share it with you here. If there's something you have not yet attained or a place God is calling you into that you don't think you can really make it to...look at these.

Say them out loud.

Post them around your house.

Write them on your hand.

Because 2 Tim 3:16 and Heb 4:12 tell us the power in the Word of God. We know that it is useful for training and for correcting and that it is living and active and sharper than any double edged sword. It is our life line and paired with the Holy Spirit, the only thing that can truly bring radical change when we find ourselves in a dried up place. I hope they bring life to you and resurrect any dead things you are carrying.

xoxo,

mp

Power Verses

1. Hebrews 13:20-21-"That the Great Shepherd of the sheep EQUIPT YOU for doing HIS WILL and may He WORK IN US what is pleasing to Him"
2. 1 Corinthians 10:13-"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man and GOD IS FAITHFUL. He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted He will also PROVIDE A WAY OUT so that you can stand up under it"
3. 2 Corinthians 1:9- "Indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death BUT this happened so that we might NOT RELY ON OURSELVES but on GOD who raises the dead"
4. Hebrews 2:18- "Because He himself suffered when He was tempted He is ABLE TO HELP those who are being tempted"
5. Philippians 2:13- "For it is GOD who WORKS IN YOU to will and act according to His good purpose"

Go Easy

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Summer has been stretching.

Summer has been growing.

Summer has been tears.

Summer has been laughter.

Summer has been love.

Summer has been challenge.

Summer has been courage.

Summer has been fear.

...summer has been magical.

I am preparing to put myself under the tutelage of the school year once again. I approach this with mixed emotions. Part of me wants to hide myself from reality and stay in a world where stress is limited, the sun shines, and the world has no expectations of you. But reality is unavoidable and necessary. While watching a Woody Allen documentary on Netflix recently (I'm a big Woody Allen fan) he puts it like this,

 "People in life are forced to chose between reality and fantasy. And it's much more pleasant to chose fantasy. But that way lies madness. And you're forced, finally, to chose reality. And you know, reality always disappoints, always hurts you."

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited too. But I'm learning what a sometimes incorrigible (and much too familiar) 'friend' (but really darkness enemy) that stress is. Is zaps away your hope (that the Bible says is, in fact, the anchor for your soul). It heaps upon you what feels like cement bricks until you cannot breath or see the sun. It strangles laughter. And it does not rest until you have given up and surrendered to it.

But this summer has taught me, refreshed me, and sprung me into a new season. I have made some changes and put in place some safeguards. I have learned how comfortable it is to sit in stress and let it strangle you and how critical it is to run from it and to Him. I have the Holy Spirit inside me and Jesus will never give me more than I can handle. I have learned the value in resting and in thought control.

Of not hurrying.
Of keep things simple.
Of letting go of perfection.
And of getting away (and being saved daily from it)

And as the poem below says, I want to go into this new seasons "easy, filled with light, and shinning".

xoxo,
mp

When I am Among the Trees by Mary Oliver

When I am among the trees,
especially the willows and the honey locust,
equally the beech, the oaks and the pines,
they give off such hints of gladness.
I would almost say that they save me, and daily.

I am so distant from the hope of myself,
in which I have goodness, and discernment,
and never hurry through the world
     but walk slowly, and bow often.

Around me the trees stir in their leaves
and call out, "Stay awhile."
The light flows from their branches.

And they call again, "It's simple," they say,
"and you too have come
into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled
with light, and to shine."