Carrying You and It

“Come, Mr. Frodo!” he cried. “I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you and it is as well.” (from The Return of the King by JRR Tolkien)

For anyone who has ever FELT a certain way that seemed real but wasn't.
For anyone who questioned whether Jesus had temporarily left their side.
For anyone in the middle of swarming thoughts and emotions.
I will look like a crazy fool in this journey if it means you know you are not crazy...
(Ephesians 4:25  "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.")

I recently had another "Wave Night". I haven't had one of those in a long time. Wave nights are characterized by huge, tsunami floods of emotion; too strong to think logically.
It's funny. Thoughts and emotions are a powerful thing. They steer your actions and they have the ability to control your entire mood and person if you let them. But they are not real. And one of the best things you can do for yourself is learn how to control thoughts and emotions. Or you'll spin.

In the past, these left me paralyzed and sent me for a spin.

Now, they still have a powerful effect....but this time I know truth a little better.
I know some foundational things that used to be shaken before but can't be shaken now; God is for me, God is good, and God is in control.

So the other night, as this flood I had thought I would never have to swim in again...came rushing into my bedroom all I could do was say,

"This is not real and I'm OK"

Now, to those of you who don't have these emotional episodes...this sounds crazy and melodramatic.

But in the moment, although I am a fairly logical, intelligent, independent woman...these are the most terrifying and real moments.

The difference with this time was that although it FELT real in the moment, I remembered the deception from before.
It smelled like real, it tasted like real, it felt like real...but it wasn't.

So I said over and over out loud (like a crazy woman)

this is not real and I'm OK.

I wrote it on post-it notes on my wall through tears, "This is not real and I'm OK"

And as I said it, I felt the Lord saying to me....

"It is in moments like these that you either you believe I am with you and I never leave you or you don't"

And this is truth. Hebrews declares it,

"I will never leave you nor forsake you"

Hebrews 13:5

Just because I felt totally abandoned and alone in this emotional flood of a fight for that moment, I wasn't.

Just because it seemed that if He was there it wouldn't be like this, He was there...and it was like this.

But I really do believe He sat by my side on my bed that night...holding my hand and walking me through it.

Because He is proud of me (and you).

Because He is in control.

And I'm sure it hurts His heart to see me like that more than it hurt me that night.

I still have so much to learn.

About being selfless.

About not being perfect.

About controlling thoughts.
About controlling attitude.

About being more like Jesus and less like me.

About being secure in love and resting in grace.

So much so that it's overwhelming.

But I have learned something really important through nights like those and the time in between, something more important than any other lesson we learn; God is for us, He is good, He never leaves us, He never forsakes us, and He is in control.

So even though He can't carry the thing for me, He can carry me with all of the stuff I'm holding.

xoxo,

mp

 But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him.

2 Corinthians 2:14

I'd Rather Be Fighting

"I was going to say I wished we'd never come. But I don't, I don't. Even if we are killed. I'd rather be killed fighting for Narnia than grow old and stupid at home and perhaps go about in a bathchair and then die in the end just the same" The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis, pg 96

I'm coming to an end in my Chronicles of Narnia time.
I'm on the last, and one of the best books, The Last Battle.
Pole, Eustace, Tirian, Puzzle, and Jewel are on the verge of one of the biggest battles they will have to face. Pole and Eustace choose not to leave Narnia at this crucial moment but to fight in a battle they very well might die in. It's at this time of self-sacrifice and total war for the goodness of Narnia that they begin to question if they should have stayed.
If turning around might have been the wiser choice.
And then Pole says the above quote, stopping me dead in my tracks as I read.
And it really touched me. I kept reading this part over and over again.
And I think it's because I understand this sentiment.
Sometimes, in this all out war for our destinys and small to large battles, you question whether or not you were crazy for deciding to do this thing. If maybe going back wasn't the better option. If the shortcut or the easier way may turn out just as well. If really the death of self, sacrifice, uprooting, pain, and overall yuckiness of doing the 'right thing' is really worth it.
And in many moments, it's not an easy answer.

But right now, I am in a season of rejoicing.
I'm glad I didn't give up all the times I felt like giving up. I'm glad Jesus never gave up, more importantly. I'm glad that He is long-suffering. 

Because if I had to do any of it all over again, I would. Every minute and every tear.

This week I have been so overwhelmed when I think about the past 10 years;

What has happened in that short amount of time, How much He refused to give up on me in my stubborn unwillingness to let Him be my Father, learning what His love really looks like, and also some of the painful (at the time) costs of the choice to follow Him.

Although in the moment, sometimes, it can feel like you want to walk away or that a different way of living would be easier...there is nowhere else you'd rather be than right here, where you are with Him, as His son or daughter.

No one said it would be easy all the time.
They just said it would be worth it. (and it is)

Every time He won't move when I throw a tantrum
Every unsuccessful try at manipulating,
Every moment I can't see clearly,
Every little sacrifice He calls me to make,
Every time I choose obedience or the harder road,
Every sad or lonely moment,
Every battle that seems unbeatable,
Every deep rooted weed that's pulled up out of my heart...
I'm remembering....I'd do it again and again.
Even if that means a thousand deaths to the things I thought I wanted alive.

Because the fruits of the things He asks of us, as unpleasant in the moment as they seem, really do matter and have lasting repercussions in our lives (and for the generation that is following us).
What I'm doing is about more than my 85 years. It's about my kids. It's about people around me.
It's about saying Yes to a God who said yes to me before I even knew what all of that meant.

So in the moments when it's scary and you are on the forefront of battles,
Or in the moments He is calling you to some sacrifice or trial that seems too great,
When you're about to say you wish you didn't come,
Remember you'd rather be fighting than dying in that bathchair without ever really conquering those battles.
After all, if you're going to die in the end just the same,
You might as well die for Narnia.

xoxo,
mp

Balloons.

 

For years, Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon had hoped that if they kept Harry as downtrodden as possible, they would be able to squash the magic out of him. To their fury, they had been unsuccessful. (from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling)

For quite some time now, I have had a fixation with balloons. There's something about them that is captivating. They stand for beauty, for flight, for rising above, and for obtaining perspective. And sometimes, perspective is what we need most. Sometimes, on ground level, we cannot see clearly.

Many times in your life, there will be a battle for truth. For your identity. For the life and spirit inside of you. And when those waves come you have a choice; will you believe them? Will you be pulled back down? Or will you believe truth? Will you choose to let the God that called you according to His purpose author your identity? It's not easy.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" 2 Corinthians 10:5

Because the truth is, you have a mandate to fight evil with good.

When people come against you,

When you feel wronged,

When you're misunderstood,

Fight it with good.

Love covers over a multitude of sins.

Choose being humble over being proud.

Choose believing truth over believing lies.

Because His story for your life is too precious to be lost at the first battle against your worth. And the foundation you have been building together for all these years can withstand it. It was meant to withstand it. It was meant to be tested.

"It (the foundation built) will be revealed with fire. And the fire will test the quality of each man's work." 1 Corinthians 3:13

So grab a balloon.
Gain some perspective.
Because all the huffing and puffing in the world will not blow your house down.
And the magic cannot be squashed out of you.

xoxo,

mp

Leaf Blowers and Captain Planet

"In the meantime Alice got up and washed her face and ate porridge for breakfast. She went to school and came home and did her homework. And pretty soon she was grown up."Miss Rumphius by B. Cooney

 The previous quote is from a children's book. Miss Rumphius was a little girl who told her grandpa she was going to travel to far away places and then come back and live beside the sea where she grew up. Her grandfather told her to add "You must do something to make the world more beautiful". The book is about her travels, her getting to know herself, and ultimately figuring out how she was going to make the world a more beautiful place.

I love this book. A friend of mine read it to her students and told me about it. She said it reminded her of me. So, what did I do? I went out immediately and rented it from the library. I love children's books; metaphors and simplicity woven throughout every page.

Miss Rumphius has taken time to travel the world, to get to know herself, to invest in what she loves, and to discover new things. This is very much like my journey. And while I am trying to figure out how to make the world a more beautiful place...and while every summer I am hopping around continents....mostly this book speaks to me about how quickly we grow up.

Today I was in my backyard racking and trimming the garden down to get it ready for winter's frost and Spring's growth. (And sitting on the porch reading Chronicles of Narnia on this fine, warm, autumn like day!) I was hauling this huge amazon.com box that my coat rack came in this morning, filling it with leaves and dragging it to the street corner. I must have done this 7 times while my neighbor causally walked along his lawn with a leaf blower. Eventually he turns to me and says, "Meg, you know, you really need to get one of these". And then I thought to myself, "Am I really at a time in my life when for Christmas I should ask my parents for a leaf blower?!" 

Mind you, I never thought I would be settled down anywhere. The thought of leaf blowers, gardens, or silly window fixtures made me cringe. I thought that was selling out and pictured a life of traveling and adventures packed into a dirty, weathered, purple, Colombia backpack.
But God is a God of balance.
And hopping around the world wasn't what I needed.
(Although every summer I will go to a new place, damnit. And I still can sleep in a mud hut on rocks)

The truth is, we are as old as we act and feel.

We can make the world come alive with just a little switch in perspective.

And our habits, thoughts, activities, and attitudes make all the difference.

But while I am really a child at heart, playing with etch-a-sketches, watching Captain Planet, and taking adventurous hikes throughout random parks...I might need a leaf blower.

This is a strange season to be living in.

But definitely a beautiful one.

So, as you're picking up the leaves that have fallen and preparing for a cold winter... (I do this now?!)

As you're sitting on your back porch drinking your homemade beer and reading Chronicles of Narnia...

As you're learning to get to know the neighbors and the birds that frequent your bird feeder out back...

As you're learning about coat racks and leaf blowers...

Just roll with it.

Because pretty soon you'll get back from school, each your porridge, and be all grown up.

xoxo,

mp

The picture above is from approximately page 8. In it, she has settled down in a house. The page reads as follows, "From the porch of her new houe Miss Rumphius watched the sun come up; she watched it cross the heavens and sparkle on the water; and she saw it set in glory in the evening. She started a little garden among the rocks that surrounded her house, and she planted a few flower seeds in the stony ground. Miss Rumphius was almost perfectly happy. 'But there's still one more thing I have to do. I have to do something to make the world more beautiful. But what? The world is already pretty nice' she thought, looking out over the ocean."

A Myriad of Masks

"There we go. A lot of brown paint. There. I know you're sitting at home saying 'boy he's messed up this time'.  And you may be right. Let's just see what happens here..."-Bob Ross, 1985

Bob Ross always says it best. Remember his painting show? I used to watch it with my grandfather when I was little. I still remember his big, bushy beard and pale blue button up shirts. And while the quote is a bit of a nostalgic tribute, it's also because I've been thinking about perfection; our aspirations and unavoidable failures on the road there. Good thing Jesus is patient and works everything together for our good. Between my strive for perfection and his grace over my pride...it ends up alright in the end.

Myself, like many others, in a desperate effort to keep my accolades as someone who has it together, who is strong, who is worthy of love (and thereby perfect) have possessed a myriad of masks that I have donned my entire young adult life. These masks are tightly clutched in my hands at times and at other times, completely thrown to the ground (and then picked up again and dusted off). I think that constant, internal battle is natural, though. I think it's also natural that we are constantly fighting to throw out said masks like an old t-shirt you continue saying should be kept around.

In honor of this, I have made a small list I was just amusing myself with tonight that includes a random assortment of activities, character traits, or daily life happenings that I assume everyone else in the world is perfect at and I wish I did. After all, C.S. Lewis said, “We read to know we’re not alone". And maybe some of these have space in your inner worlds, as well. Either way, this is my symbolic liberation of the masks!

(Clause: These are extremes and not necessarily norms. My pride makes me throw this clause in here. I am, for the most part, an organized, clean, and semi-aware individual)

• Wash the dish: Sometimes, I leave the crusty dishes that the dishwasher couldn't even win a battle with instead of taking them out and scrubbing them.
• Hang my clothes up: I don't always hang my clothes back up when I come in the house after work.
• Selfishness with chores: If I don't deal with it, Kimberly will.
• Rational thought: I get mad at people for being rude, aggressive drivers even if I mimicked the same behavior 5 seconds prior (or directly after).
• Self-discipline: Chronicles of Narnia has replaced more Jesus dates than I care to count.
• Put my phone away: Texting and driving. Really?
• Toilet time:  I do not always flush the toilet in the middle of the night.(It's too loud, ok)

I have been convinced that everyone else does all of these things I fail to do.
While these are not the most interesting examples, you get the idea.
Maybe you could jot down a few off the top of your head. Chances are I do it, too. And so does Sally.
At any rate, I'm all for giving the most seemingly insignificant moments a sly potency.
Cheers to the funny little things we try and hide.

mp

Intents and Purposes

"I think I can read most things, Miss Honey," Matilda said, "although I'm afraid I can't always understand the meanings." (from Matilda by Roald Dahl

This is how I feel this morning.

I've mislabeled or at least misunderstood in full a feeling I have been having.
And really, I've only begun to understand it.
There has been this bubbling up inside of me, this internal nagging.
It rests as an undercurrent, pulling with it emotions, actions, attitudes, and decisions.
But sometimes it rises up into a full wave.

And until this morning I haven't been able to quite put my finger on it.
(Thanks to a wonderful lunch with my friend and mentor who seems to always bring with her pinpoint accuracy and clarity)
I thought I understood it to be one thing when in fact it's much more specific.

Just 2 weeks ago I met with a friend and she said,
"Meg, you just seem...aggravated".
And that was the perfect word for it. But aggravated about what?
I am for all intents and purposes a well adjusted, successful,  emotionally and physically healthy young adult.
And discontent? With what?

These feelings have been bothering me for some time now, only made more intense by such writings of David Foster Wallace as this:

"It's the automatic, unconscious way that I experience the boring, frustrating, crowded parts of adult life when I'm operating on the automatic, unconscious belief that I am the center of the world and that my immediate needs and feelings are what should determine the world's priorities."

Discontent. Aggravated.

I thought it was just my own aggravation at the complacency of life, at the selfishness we all battle inside of us, at the rooted desire to be the center of the universe.
But it's so much more specific than that.

All these things are true and I'm discovering are the general reasons for the aggravation and discontent but really, they arise from this specific life mission:

My life, my struggles, my choices and my purpose have never been about me. There is a generation that is looking to the ones who have gone before them. There are young woman who with just one person's intentional investment will become more than I ever dreamed of becoming. And if I sit in my room, soaking up all that I've learned and proud of myself for all that I have conquered, than that's where it ends; me in my room.

And what's the point of that? Me in my room? What's the point of all the things I do and want to learn about if that's where the story ends? So, I know a lot of interesting things...for what? So, I've learned how to brew coffee in 7 different methods and can explain to you the basic compound structures of the bean-why? I know the best places for hiking-why? I've skydived-why? I'm creating interesting projects that act as creative outlets-why? I'm tackling tough questions about life....for what? Of course enjoying life, always learning, always figuring things out is important; it's how I function. But sometimes, I think we do it to satisfy something deeper inside of us.

See, where I went wrong was thinking this discontent I was wrestling with was just about adult life and being less selfish on a daily basis and fighting the routine we get seduced into. And while that is a very real part of the battle, what I'm beginning to understand is that this feeling inside of me is the desire to
p

  o

    u

      r

            o

               u

                   t.

All of my strengths.

All of my lessons.

All of my time.

All of my heart.

(Whatever that amounts to)

Because I've had time to figure out who Meg is. And I've had time to conquer some very real battles.

And He's been faithful to me. But it wasn't FOR me. It was for them.

And if I sit at this crossroad and continue to think I'm not ready or good enough...then I'll always be sitting here. Many people are still sitting here.

But I can't pretend that the eyes of beautiful, intelligent, young woman are not looking at me. I can't pretend they don't watch my life and are not waiting for the moment I will turn around and look back at them. These same young woman are the girls who are battling what I have battled, who are discovering what I have discovered, who are fighting what I have fought...and who need someone to intentionally come alongside of them and decide to help them along the way.

And it's not easy. And it won't be immediate. And it won't always be fulfilling in that moment.
And I'm sure many alternative options will be much more appealing from time to time.

I realize the seeds and ground work needed for this don't reap results immediately like other things do but that in 10-15 years there will be something to speak to my purpose and time like other things can't.
And honestly, the stakes are too high for me not to.

And I'll never feel ready or good enough. We'll never be ready or good enough.

But what I do know to be true:

I am a 25 year old woman.

I have a desire to see the next generation of young people have life breathed into them.

To see them have guidance and support.

To provide them with a woman ready to battle with them the attacks against their worth and beauty.

To hold their hand through confusing forests of questions and distractions.

And to remind them of the power that's in their life and decisions.

Because shortly, there will be younger girls and boys looking at them.

And I remember what it was like not having guidance. I remember what it took to win the fights.

I remember the Lord battling for me. I remember the power in the words of someone I looked up to.

After all, what's all this about?

Eventually, I will be 65 with the majority of my life behind me.

And just being kind daily and reminding myself, this is water isn't enough.

Just choosing how to think right and sending positive texts now and then isn't enough. 

But if I planted seeds and worked the ground, as unglamorous as it was at the time-

there will be fruit to look at and feel proud of.

But if I sat instead as years swirled by me...I will end up at some midlife crisis full of regret.

The right choices are normally the hardest.
Nothing is reaped right after it's sown.
And life can't be about you.
And frankly, I can't keep ignoring this current inside me.
So, I'm going to trust He will help me do this.
And that I'll mess up a bit along the way.
And I'm going to expect frustration and disappointment.
But at least I won't still be sitting at the crossroads waiting for something to happen to me.
Instead, I'll be sitting at a table across from a young woman who has waited for me to happen to her.

mp

Sweet Potato Mornings

"And just as there are moments when simply to lie in bed and see the daylight pouring through your window and to hear the cheerful voice of an early postman down below and to realize that it was only a dream; it wasn't real, is so heavenly that it was very nearly worth having the nightmare in order to have the joy of waking, so they all felt when they came out of the dark."-VOTDT, C.S. Lewis

Although there are some tendencies for a career as an educator to leave you with feelings of exhaustion (as any profession, vocation, or thing we really throw our passion into does) I can't argue that having a 4 day weekend doesn't make for a bad gig.

This morning, November 10, 2011, hereby marks the commencement of said 4 day weekend. I started it off, and am still in, (with it now being 12:06, possessing the same high school soccer shorts, messy hair, and tank top as I had when this all began at the bright hour of 8am) alternating between the activities of reading, writing, eating, and sleeping in various cyclical patterns incorporating all 4 variables (with room for daydreaming). 

I've been reading (and re-reading) a lot of David Foster Wallace this morning (as I just recently acquired two of his works, the first being a collection of essays entitled, A Supposedly Funny Thing I'll Never Do Again as well as a printed copy of a commencement speech he gave entitled, This is Water at my most recent Barnes & Noble adventure). And by reading, of course, I mean I have been inhaling with laughter and underlying jealousy the sentences and ideas he is able to not so delicately put together. All of which serve as irrefutable proof of his comic genius :O) (My nerdy run-on-paragraph ends here) I feel like it warrants mention that sweet potatoes are always a great accomplice to mornings like this; serving to nurture and care for all your caloric and nutritional needs.

All of that to say, it's a good morning. And alternating between DFW and C.S. Lewis always inspires you. This morning, as I entered into another adventure in Narnia, I came across two quotes describing a moment that the Dawn Treader had when it was coming out from a spot in the water that was incredibly dark and scary.

It reminded me; it's so easy to lose sight of the simple beauties in our day to day. When we're in the busy times it's even easier (as DFW would say) to forget to actively chose how we think, what we pay attention to, and how we construct meaning from experience. As I've read this morning, the insidious thing about all of these distractions and battles we face daily is that they are unconscious. But in all of the busy, in all of the expectations, and even in all of the very commendable goals we have for ourselves, sometimes I forget to do this-choose. 

Choose to notice things.

Choose to think different.

Choose to see the bigger picture.

Choose to enjoy.

And that's not easy task. Our present culture makes this incredibly difficult for us. It benefits from us not doing this. And the worst part is, I'm the minority. Not everyone gets 4 day weekends to relax, contemplate life, chill with sweet potatoes, and really think about some of this stuff. A lot of people work longer hours, have less time to think, and are under enormous amounts of responsibilities and stress. But we can choose to alternate our daily, at least in small ways.

Sometimes, after stressful weeks or project due dates, I feel like I'm the Dawn Treader coming out of a battle or that dark spot in the ocean. But, I also feel like her in the quote below,

"But the brightness of the ship herself astonished them: they had half expected to find that the darkness would cling to the white and the green and the gold in the form of some grime or scum"

Those times don't corrode our inner person.

Because, sure enough, there always comes a time when you emerge from that place-brighter.

Wiser. More careful. More trained.
Cheers to not dying the slow death of adulthood.

It's all nearly worth having in order to enjoy sweet potato mornings.

xoxo,

mp