Pearl of Great Price

The thing that I have learned about Jesus is... He talks to me in strange ways.
I mean this man knows you better than you know yourself.
For goodness sake, He made you that way.
So when He is speaking to me about a time of pain and birthing something incredible...of course He will have be obsessed with youtube live birthing videos.
Or, when He has been trying to show me how faithful He is to me and how much He adores me, of course there is a season and game of "Jesus kisses" between the two of us.
My point? This man who is fully God knows how to speak in just the right way, to just the right place of your heart, at just the right time.
"His sheep will know Him by His voice"
So I've slowly figured out how He talks to me. It's always super symbolic and super repetitive. So when I start to become obsessed with an idea or concept...I start paying attention.
This is no exception.

As of late, I've had this increasing interest in pearls.
It started a few years ago when I was looking up the meaning of my name. Someone told me that was a pretty important thing. That many times the enemy tries to speak against what it is your name means.

The first thing I found out brought discouragement. I don't have some exciting, biblical based reason for my name. I have a grandfather who liked the movie "The Thornbirds" and named me after the woman in it. Now, if you're familiar with this movie you will realize that this chick is the same  woman who sleeps with the PRIEST. Thank you Poppy for that.

But I kept researching. And eventually I saw a pattern. Megan, in all its derivative, means "Crowned Pearl". And since then, I've been really in love with them. Most woman want beautiful diamonds as their engagement and wedding rings, I want a grey pearl with yellow diamonds. And in honesty, I didn't really know why I loved it so much...but He did.

I started thinking about pearls again recently and looked into the process a pearl undergoes.
It says:
"The formation of a natural pearl begins when a foreign substance slips into the oyster between the mantle of the shell, which irritates the mantle. It's kind of like the oyster gets a splinter. The oyster's natural reaction is to cover up that irritant to protect itself. The mantle covers the irritant with layers of the same nacre substance that is used to create the shell. This eventually forms a pearl."

And for cultured pearls, a harvester opens the oyster shell and cuts a small slit in the mantle tissue to induce this process.

CRAZY.

Why? I'm not totally sure yet.
And that's sort of the process. That it is a process.
Slowly, the Lord reveals His story.

Here is what I do know, though.
He has been speaking pearl over my life.
Pearls are formed when irritants come in. When the protection wasn't there. When 'foreign substances' mess up the way it should have gone.
Maybe He's saying He covered me when things happened and turned me into a pearl?
Maybe He's saying I covered myself in an attempt to self-protect?
Maybe He's saying He sometimes needs to make incisions to produce beauty?
Maybe He's saying all of it.

But one thing is for sure, pearls are beautiful.
They are sought after.
They are tough.
And they would never have been produced, if it wasn't for all the things that "shouldn't have happened"

Matthew 13:46 says, "When he discovered a pearl of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it"

I know this scripture is talking about man finding Jesus and being willing to give it all up but this morning when I read it it really felt like Jesus was saying,

"I found you, Meg. 

And I believe you to be my treasure worth giving up everything for. 

My pearl of great price.

And I did"

And that story is yours, too.

xoxo,

mp

Out of the Mud and Mire

"It was I who taught Ephraim to walk, taking them by the arms; but they did not realize it was I who healed them. I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them" (Hosea 11:3-4)

 It's humbling to realize that He looked down in the pit of muck and mire and He chose me. That He saw it all and said that my heart was beautiful to Him. That He didn't just look at what my situation was or who I was but what He was going to make me into. That He knew I'd say yes. That He knew I would run after Him sometimes full of joy and love, sometimes full of distrust and unfaithfulness, sometimes full of sadness and smeared mascara; but I'd run after Him.

To be completely honest, my childhood was not the greatest.
There's worse, I'm sure, but mine is mine....and what I can speak to.
And I say this not to elicit sympathy or bask in some sort of self-pity but because I think there are times the Lord wants you to mourn things you didn't have and rejoice in what you do.
This is one of those times.

The truth is, there is no logical reason I should be a fully functional, motivated, successful young adult; but I am.
There's no reason that I shouldn't be continuning every generational cycle that's gone before me for generation after generation; but I am NOT.

So why me?
This is a question I ask Him all the time.
Why me, Lord?
Did you know I'd say yes?
Could you see how badly I wanted someone like You even before I could see it?
And, I don't really know why.
I only know He reached His hands down inside a pit of mess, of dysfunction, of carelessness, of mother and fatherlessness, of neglect, of rejection...and pulled me out. And He has never let me return.

Psalm 40:2 "He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."

And He didn't just stop there. Slowly, He started to weave the new story. He protected and covered me, He spoke to me with relentlessness, He chased me when I didn't know how to let Him be a Father or love me, He showed me what love was, and He brought people into my life to fill in areas I needed filled.

And once that was set, once the Cornerstone was put in place, the old house was demolished, and the new one was built...He switched it all. He showed me it was not about me.

It was about everyone else.
It was about breathing life into everyone else.
To show them the lengths He would go for His beloved.

Will you tell people what I have done, Meg?

Will you let them know the lengths I will go for their safety?

Will you speak to the power of My love?

Because the story was never meant to stop there. To stop with me.

I was meant to glorify Him.

I was meant to speak into the darkness of young girls' lives the power of light.

And not with some general understanding, with power that comes from having Him do it in mine.

This is what the Lord says to His anointed,

Whose right hand I will take of to dubdue nations before him

And to strip kings of their armor,

To open doors before him so that gates cannot be shut:

I will go before you and will level the mountains;

I will break down gates of bronze and cur through bars of iron.

I will give you riches stored in secret places,

So that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel

...who summons you by name.

Isaiah 45.

So, let hope rise instead of despair.

Whatever your story is.

Because everyone's is different.

Because we were called for such a time as this.

xoxo,

mp

One Little Seam After Another

It's just one little seam after another and you never seem to be getting anywhere. But of course I'd rather be Anne of Green Gables sewing patchwork than Anne of any other place with nothing to do but play. (from Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery)

This is how most of life can feel sometimes, just one seemingly insignificant seam after another. And many times, it doesn't seem like we've moved at all from the place we started. In fact, most times we wonder if we've gone backwards. But the truth is, all of that stitching matters. All the work put in has rippling consequences that we can't always see in the moment. But if we didn't start with those stitches, the whole piece would never get done. And as we plug away, sometimes getting pricked, sometimes having to pull a few out and start again, we begin to see the thing we are working on come together.

I feel like I've been given a respite lately, at least in part. I've even been accepting things about myself I used to want to change. I've stopped fighting the things that don't need to be fought. Even the other night, my friend Stacy said something so deliciously true in regards to my frustration at my manic tendencies or living too passionately/engaged,

"Meg, life is something you have to be involved in and some people just aren't. Maybe everyone else is wrong. Maybe you've got it right"

Now it's not about someone else being wrong and me being right. But, what if the thing about me that I was trying to fix didn't need to be fixed? What if I just am actively involved in life? Painfully passionate and intrinsically involved at times, but involved. Maybe I'd rather be that, with the downsides that come with it....than anyone else? Just like Montgomery said. Maybe I'd rather be Meg of East Rochester with all of the hot mess that comes with it than Anne of any other place with nothing to do but play (or be lulled asleep by adulthood/stability/rat races/people pleasing).

This year has been tough and challenging. Every day it seems there were mountainous obstacles; mostly within. Emotional waves, anxiety, fear, certain lies I kept repeating to myself about myself and just a general sense of unrest. (Of course this wasn't the entire year. A lot of it was incredible, too.) But, in all honesty, I was getting exhausted. It's tiring to always be fighting. To feel like you're never catching a break. 

But He was there every step of the way. He has been breathing thanksgiving into my heart. He has challenged me, molded me, refined me. And the unfortunate thing about it all, is you can't acquire what you need to acquire without the really lonely, frustrating, hopeless, seemingly meaningless nights of sadness or moments of anger. And I've learned some foundational principles and facts about myself and life:

*He will, truly, never leave me or forsake me
*I will never be able to see in full the intricate story He is weaving
*I participate best in this story of mine when I am like a child, loving vulnerably and whole hardheartedly (even if my dreams are shattered, even if I get hurt, even if His decision isn't mine)
*I will fail at being perfect every time
*There's no sense drinking toilet water when you can have living water
*All that matters is what happens in the secret place between Jesus andI
*He cannot be manipulated by my short-sighted fits (And I'm glad)
*He will not let me get in the way of me
*He is faithful to me
*He will author and bring to fruition every heart's desire (Mostly just because He delights in me)
*He can take me yelling at Him. He won't go anywhere. He values honesty over fakeness
*To love Him means to obey Him
*He's a better God than me
*What people think about me or my choices will never weigh in comparison to His thoughts
*Community is essential; I wasn't meant to do it alone
*I can't muscle my way to changing myself. But He holds the key when I release control.
*Don't trust your feelings.
*He is not holding out on me
*All the good and even most of the bad...I like it. I've slipped into my own skin. And it fits.
*Life lived for others matters. And not just in grandiose ways. In the little things.
*I am more than a conqueror and this is only the beginning

Jeremiah 31:3 "The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness."

Romans 2:4 "Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?"

You see, you can't get to those bullets over night. And every stitch of them seems glacially slow and unproductive. But it matters what you do in the secret. It matters whether or not you are getting to know Jesus. Because He really is alive, He really has loved you with everlasting love, He really is trying to draw you with his loving-kindness.

And even when it seems like all of it may be for nothing or that no progress is being made, I'd still rather be going after one little seam after another, stitch by stitch in this life with Him and the people around me than anyone else...doing any other thing.

xoxo,
mp

Peace of Thanksgiving

Source

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 

This is a basic scripture. A staple scripture. One that we hear all the time and one that sometimes seems to lose it's significance to familiarity.  Not tonight.

I've always liked this section of scripture. Because it's so true. It's so relatable. It's so useable. How many of us have encountered some time in our life when we were anxious and needed to be told...not to be anxious? Everyone. But I'll be honest, when I wasn't breezing by the thanksgiving piece in the scripture somewhat ignoring it...I was a little confused by it.

If you were a fly on the wall of my consciousness (bet you're having fun in there), my inner dialogue would sound something like this:

Don't be anxious about anything-check. Makes sense.
Pray about each thing as it comes up. Without anxiety. Let Him know what's up-check. Makes sense.
Thanksgiving?
Is this really a time for thanksgiving?
Do you want me to fake it right now, Lord?
I'm trying to get a hold of not being anxious right now. That's quite a feat. If I can do that, I'm super awesome.
So what's this stuff about being super thankful also.
Does this really have a place here?
I mean, it has a place...thankfulness. But I think you mixed up some of your verses, God.

And that is the relationship I had with that scripture for the better part of my walk.
Truthfully, until tonight.

Something happened tonight in the middle of my super honest, super raw, and super frustrating conversation with God (those, by the way, are equally the most sucky and most incredible convos to have with Him. Otherwise, everything that matters and everything that's real tends to somehow get locked up on the inside while we go parading about in our perfectly well adjusted looking selves. Totally put together. Totally self-sufficient. Totally full of crap).

What happened was, while I was gearing up to feel really sorry for myself and frustrated at the requirements I felt He had given me, He switched something in me. Some stream of thoughts got crossed. As I'm in mid-sentence voicing all my my honest and sincere frustrations (which is always an important thing to do with God-transparency and honesty) thanksgiving butted in line like a rude customer trying to execute a friend-chat-budge (Larry David, anyone?) Suddenly, my words changed. A flood of all of what He's done to get me to that place in my kitchen came to me. All the people. All the growth. All the awful times that produced the most fruit. All the lessons learned. All the changes in my heart. All the mountains He's shaken for me. And I couldn't do anything but say it all out loud. It was powerful. It changed everything that was going on inside of me.

What I was upset about was still there, it didn't fix it.
And I don't believe God made me acknowledge the good things because He doesn't want to hear me complaining.
I believe there is something really powerful about thanksgiving.
God would have listened all night to me. He would have loved to hear my real heart about things. I'm sure He wishes I was more open and honest with Him.
But tonight, what I needed spiritually was thanksgiving rising up inside of me.
Something changes when it starts to bubble up.
Suddenly, you're humbled. And not in some violent way. In an almost soft, quiet, whisper.
When thanksgiving starts to rise up in you and you start declaring the moments; both big and small...it  feels like God whispering to you,

I know. I see it. I agree with everything you're saying and feeling.

And I love you so much.

And I'm so glad you are saying all of this to me.

Do you remember, though, that I'm good.

Don't forget I'm for you.

Don't forget we are in this together.

Don't forget these other things, only because you need to know how much I'm willing to do for you.
To work for you.

To do on your behalf.

And all of this matters to me.

You matter to me.

And I'm not mad you're mad.

So be mad.

Or sad.

Or whatever it is you are.

Just as long as you remember I'm holding you right now.

Just as long as you don't start believing other thoughts.

Just as long as you don't stop seeing me.

Because I knew you'd feel overwhelmed.

And I knew you'd need to be reminded.

So think about what we've done together so far.

And when your fit is over, I'm still here.

Bam.

And once I said all the things He has done and all the things I was so greatful for, the truth was.... I really was so greatful. I really didn't even feel the same way I felt when I started.

So sometimes, in the middle of a morose-filled mood...think about such things.

xoxo,

mp

Carrying You and It

“Come, Mr. Frodo!” he cried. “I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you and it is as well.” (from The Return of the King by JRR Tolkien)

For anyone who has ever FELT a certain way that seemed real but wasn't.
For anyone who questioned whether Jesus had temporarily left their side.
For anyone in the middle of swarming thoughts and emotions.
I will look like a crazy fool in this journey if it means you know you are not crazy...
(Ephesians 4:25  "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.")

I recently had another "Wave Night". I haven't had one of those in a long time. Wave nights are characterized by huge, tsunami floods of emotion; too strong to think logically.
It's funny. Thoughts and emotions are a powerful thing. They steer your actions and they have the ability to control your entire mood and person if you let them. But they are not real. And one of the best things you can do for yourself is learn how to control thoughts and emotions. Or you'll spin.

In the past, these left me paralyzed and sent me for a spin.

Now, they still have a powerful effect....but this time I know truth a little better.
I know some foundational things that used to be shaken before but can't be shaken now; God is for me, God is good, and God is in control.

So the other night, as this flood I had thought I would never have to swim in again...came rushing into my bedroom all I could do was say,

"This is not real and I'm OK"

Now, to those of you who don't have these emotional episodes...this sounds crazy and melodramatic.

But in the moment, although I am a fairly logical, intelligent, independent woman...these are the most terrifying and real moments.

The difference with this time was that although it FELT real in the moment, I remembered the deception from before.
It smelled like real, it tasted like real, it felt like real...but it wasn't.

So I said over and over out loud (like a crazy woman)

this is not real and I'm OK.

I wrote it on post-it notes on my wall through tears, "This is not real and I'm OK"

And as I said it, I felt the Lord saying to me....

"It is in moments like these that you either you believe I am with you and I never leave you or you don't"

And this is truth. Hebrews declares it,

"I will never leave you nor forsake you"

Hebrews 13:5

Just because I felt totally abandoned and alone in this emotional flood of a fight for that moment, I wasn't.

Just because it seemed that if He was there it wouldn't be like this, He was there...and it was like this.

But I really do believe He sat by my side on my bed that night...holding my hand and walking me through it.

Because He is proud of me (and you).

Because He is in control.

And I'm sure it hurts His heart to see me like that more than it hurt me that night.

I still have so much to learn.

About being selfless.

About not being perfect.

About controlling thoughts.
About controlling attitude.

About being more like Jesus and less like me.

About being secure in love and resting in grace.

So much so that it's overwhelming.

But I have learned something really important through nights like those and the time in between, something more important than any other lesson we learn; God is for us, He is good, He never leaves us, He never forsakes us, and He is in control.

So even though He can't carry the thing for me, He can carry me with all of the stuff I'm holding.

xoxo,

mp

 But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him.

2 Corinthians 2:14

I'd Rather Be Fighting

"I was going to say I wished we'd never come. But I don't, I don't. Even if we are killed. I'd rather be killed fighting for Narnia than grow old and stupid at home and perhaps go about in a bathchair and then die in the end just the same" The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis, pg 96

I'm coming to an end in my Chronicles of Narnia time.
I'm on the last, and one of the best books, The Last Battle.
Pole, Eustace, Tirian, Puzzle, and Jewel are on the verge of one of the biggest battles they will have to face. Pole and Eustace choose not to leave Narnia at this crucial moment but to fight in a battle they very well might die in. It's at this time of self-sacrifice and total war for the goodness of Narnia that they begin to question if they should have stayed.
If turning around might have been the wiser choice.
And then Pole says the above quote, stopping me dead in my tracks as I read.
And it really touched me. I kept reading this part over and over again.
And I think it's because I understand this sentiment.
Sometimes, in this all out war for our destinys and small to large battles, you question whether or not you were crazy for deciding to do this thing. If maybe going back wasn't the better option. If the shortcut or the easier way may turn out just as well. If really the death of self, sacrifice, uprooting, pain, and overall yuckiness of doing the 'right thing' is really worth it.
And in many moments, it's not an easy answer.

But right now, I am in a season of rejoicing.
I'm glad I didn't give up all the times I felt like giving up. I'm glad Jesus never gave up, more importantly. I'm glad that He is long-suffering. 

Because if I had to do any of it all over again, I would. Every minute and every tear.

This week I have been so overwhelmed when I think about the past 10 years;

What has happened in that short amount of time, How much He refused to give up on me in my stubborn unwillingness to let Him be my Father, learning what His love really looks like, and also some of the painful (at the time) costs of the choice to follow Him.

Although in the moment, sometimes, it can feel like you want to walk away or that a different way of living would be easier...there is nowhere else you'd rather be than right here, where you are with Him, as His son or daughter.

No one said it would be easy all the time.
They just said it would be worth it. (and it is)

Every time He won't move when I throw a tantrum
Every unsuccessful try at manipulating,
Every moment I can't see clearly,
Every little sacrifice He calls me to make,
Every time I choose obedience or the harder road,
Every sad or lonely moment,
Every battle that seems unbeatable,
Every deep rooted weed that's pulled up out of my heart...
I'm remembering....I'd do it again and again.
Even if that means a thousand deaths to the things I thought I wanted alive.

Because the fruits of the things He asks of us, as unpleasant in the moment as they seem, really do matter and have lasting repercussions in our lives (and for the generation that is following us).
What I'm doing is about more than my 85 years. It's about my kids. It's about people around me.
It's about saying Yes to a God who said yes to me before I even knew what all of that meant.

So in the moments when it's scary and you are on the forefront of battles,
Or in the moments He is calling you to some sacrifice or trial that seems too great,
When you're about to say you wish you didn't come,
Remember you'd rather be fighting than dying in that bathchair without ever really conquering those battles.
After all, if you're going to die in the end just the same,
You might as well die for Narnia.

xoxo,
mp

Balloons.

 

For years, Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon had hoped that if they kept Harry as downtrodden as possible, they would be able to squash the magic out of him. To their fury, they had been unsuccessful. (from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling)

For quite some time now, I have had a fixation with balloons. There's something about them that is captivating. They stand for beauty, for flight, for rising above, and for obtaining perspective. And sometimes, perspective is what we need most. Sometimes, on ground level, we cannot see clearly.

Many times in your life, there will be a battle for truth. For your identity. For the life and spirit inside of you. And when those waves come you have a choice; will you believe them? Will you be pulled back down? Or will you believe truth? Will you choose to let the God that called you according to His purpose author your identity? It's not easy.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" 2 Corinthians 10:5

Because the truth is, you have a mandate to fight evil with good.

When people come against you,

When you feel wronged,

When you're misunderstood,

Fight it with good.

Love covers over a multitude of sins.

Choose being humble over being proud.

Choose believing truth over believing lies.

Because His story for your life is too precious to be lost at the first battle against your worth. And the foundation you have been building together for all these years can withstand it. It was meant to withstand it. It was meant to be tested.

"It (the foundation built) will be revealed with fire. And the fire will test the quality of each man's work." 1 Corinthians 3:13

So grab a balloon.
Gain some perspective.
Because all the huffing and puffing in the world will not blow your house down.
And the magic cannot be squashed out of you.

xoxo,

mp