Anxiety

(Thanks boyfriend for this. Check out some of his brain here.)
"You either get hit by lightning, or you don't," whispered Hobson. "If you can't start a fire, you could freeze to death," added Scooter. "If you do start a fire, you could burn to death."

(from Alvin Ho: Allergic To Camping, Hiking, And Other Natural Disasters by Lenore Look)

It seems to me God selects certain times and certain seasons, to highlight certain attributes about your person or roots inside your being that need attention. That need weeding.
Highlight now? Ladies and gentleman, I present to you... ::drum roll please::......

Anxiety.

Worry.

Fear.

What does our good friend Merriam say about anxiety?
That it's a painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usually over an impending ill.
That it's a fearful concern or interest. An abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and self-doubt of one's ability to cope with it.

Danggggggg.

Dear anxiety,

Jesus has spotted you out in my heart and pointed to you.

It's not just 'normal' anymore. Or unnoticed.

You have been seen. You are out of place.

He will rid me of you.

With no love, Meg.

But seriously, that's how these things go until Jesus highlights them; unnoticed.

And I am one to figure out the root cause of all things. To dig deep and investigate. To psycho-analyze to the point of absurdity.  But, honestly, I'm exhausted with it all.

I can't color code, catalog, and control every aspect of my physical and spiritual life. 

It will be OK if I don't. So this time, I just know it's there. I have an issue with anxiety. With worry. With fear.
And that's sin.
And God wants to come in, to swoop in, and fight on my behalf.

Sometimes it's hard to really spot it in your life so let me give you some concrete (and obnoxious) examples of anxiety inviting itself in in certain areas of my own life. It runs so deep that it shows up:

• If it's nice out. -I feel compelled to enjoy the weather. I feel as if there is some world shaking, ground breaking, fun frantic event that I am missing. 

The book, The Shack, describes it best:  

"There is something joyful about storms that interrupt routine. Snow or freezing rain suddenly releases your from expectations, performance demands, and the tyranny of appointments and schedules. And unlike illness, it is largely a corporate rather than individual experience. One can almost hear a unified sigh from the nearby city and surrounding countryside where Nature has intervened to give respite to the weary humans slogging it out within her purview. All those affected this way are united by a mutual excuse and the heart is suddenly and unexpectedly a little giddy."

• If God talks to me. -I feel like that if I don't document every connection or theme or word he is breathing in my balloon covered moleskin, I will miss it. By some turn of fate...I will, in fact, let what words God, who has proved to be painstakingly persistent in the face of my ignorance, dissipate into air; never to be seen again. This is not the IRS. Things do not have to be documented with such viciousness.

• If someone pays me a compliment. - I feel as if now there are expectations that they have (as well as myself)put on me. And I must duplicate said qualities in the future. And often. And without fail.

Writing it out, it all sounds ridiculous. But these are the areas in my life that Mr. Anxiety creeps in. And soon, it becomes so normal to feel these certain ways that I forget it's even anxiety at all.

It can be about needing to control people.
Or worry they will leave you.
Or feelings that you are not good at what you're doing.
Or that the sun will someday fade away and life will cease to exist so what is the point of anything!? (Ok, my apologies. That one is a Woody Allen quote from Annie Hall. I couldn't help myself.)

The problem with all of this is...it took me too long to realize this was anxiety. All of it.
I had wished there was a way I could have noticed it sooner.
And then, I realized, there is.
What did I need?
A way to examine myself. Sort of like checking in before I'm too off course it will take forever to get back. But sometimes, that can be so hard. Everyone has a different idea of what it means to be on track and we all know comparing ourselves to standards set by the world doesn't end well.
Not even criteria set by friends or counselors or mentors is the best way. Instead, something God has told me I can be absolutely sure of? Galtians 5 has the perfect thing.

Fruits of the Spirit.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 

Do I have love?

Do I have joy?

do I have peace?

Do I have long suffering?

Do I have kindness?

Do I have goodness?

Do I have faithfulness?

Do I have gentleness?

Do I have self-control?

...Or do I have the opposite of all these things?

So that's what I'm going to do.
Instead of worry all the time and managing every detail I will instead look into the eyes of Jesus and ask Him to help me examine my heart. I'll trust He is big enough to show me these things. And these Fruits of the Spirit will be my main guide along the way in this journey with Him.
And if I am, in fact off track, He is faithful to bring me back.

As far as anxiety goes, it's all nonsense.

It would matter if you did have to control everything.
It would matter if you were a helpless being in a sea of circumstance.
But you're not. I'm not. We're not.
We are children of God.
Who really are only asked to accept the fact that we can't be God.
That we will never work hard enough or be good enough.
That He really did have to die. Not just for a sometimes miserable or anxious-ridden person. But for a person so helpless that He, as the Bible paints it, came along while we were kicking and screaming in a pool of our own blood.
(There's a picture for you.)

I will never be able to micro manage and control it all.
There are too many variables and too many things that could go wrong.
It's almost funny to think of.
Good thing I can stand behind a God who says not to worry and who can be trusted.
Because ultimately, I have no control.

I'll either get hit by lightning, or I won't.

So tie it to some balloons and let it go. 

xoxo,
mp

PS-The verse in Philippians 4:6 about not being anxious about anything is hysterical to me. Did you realize it is saying, amongst other things, that a way to fight anxiety is THANKSGIVING?! To literally, in the middle of all of your worry,remember all the things He has already done. And become filled with thanks. Try it. It works. It always seems like when I see what He has done before somehow my current state of myopia is corrected.