Nights After "Wave Nights"

Rainy days are my favorite. Rainy sunsets and warm nights are even better.
You know when some nights feel super magical? And everything is esthetically pleasing?
Tonight is that night.

Even though last night/day was awful. It was one of those nights I affectionately call:

"wave nights"

What's a wave night?
It's like the feeling you get when you're swimming in the ocean. It can happen even when you think you are pretty safe up on the shore. The waves crash down on you with such force that you get flipped around and water inevitably goes up your nose. That's the key; water up your nose. You know, that super uncomfortable feeling you get with salt water up your nose. Your eyes would be watering if the salt water wasn't already nestled quite comfortably in them causing a surge of pain and a stinging sensation.
Or how about the feeling you get when you dive into the water and don't plug your nose? It injects itself with such velocity up your nose that you shoot straight out of the water.
Either of those descriptions may do.
When I get hit with nights like last night (which happen about once a month, around the 26th, I've tracked them). I just feel like I can't tell up from down. It's like I'm swirling around after being hit by a crushing wave. Thoughts are swirling, emotions are raging, and I can't do anything but cry. It's actually really debilitating (Right about now is when you start to think I'm a nut case) ha.

So anyway, tonight is a bit different. The wave passed. I held on tight, I called a friend, I talked to Jesus, I cried, I got through it.

It reminds me of the scripture in Exodus (I've been loving that book) that talks about when the Israelites were being led and Pharaoh was CHASING them. (I understand this sentiment)

But the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left.

Here the Israelites are, being chased by the most powerful man they know, with whom they have formed a quite unhealthy relationship with for years and years as slaves, following God while he does crazy things unimaginable like part the SEA for THEM...and they are provided with a nice, dry ground to walk on. They didn't even have to walk through muck. But just imagine the feeling they must of had when they either looked to the HUGE wall of water on their left and right (that could come down on them at any moment if God wasn't who He said He was) or the army raging behind them. The only option they really had is to continue forward and to only look forward.

Back to tonight. So tonight I'm sitting on my porch, with paper lanterns lit above me, Patsy Kline on grooveshark (reminds me of my grandma) and having a glass of wine. Nights like tonight I'm reminded I'm on dry ground. Even with walls of emotion on my left and wrong thinking on my right, I'm still victorious.

And I love rain. I love how it washes everything. I love how it makes rainbows. I love how it lets you sit inside. I love how it lets you dance in it. I love how it makes puddles to splash in. I love how it smears your mascara and makes your hair a hot mess.

But most of all, I love nights after the "wave nights". When you are reminded the sun still comes up, that you will be OK, that you are winning the battle, that things still are beautiful, that housemates come home and make dinner, that friends will talk to you late at night when you are balling, that truth defies emotions, that Jesus really is good, and that within 24 hours Jesus can give you one of your favorite things-a beautiful, thunderstormy, sunset, warm, rainy night. Because He knows your hearts desires. And because He's proud of you.

Walk on that dry ground while your enemies are crushed behind you.

xoxo
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Trees and Sad Nights.

 Trees are something I have always really been captivated by. I'm not totally sure why. Partly because they stand as a testament to how small we really are. Some stand 150 years old or older. I think I also really love them because they speak to me about my future; they cast a vision.

Someday, I want to be like this tree. Rooted, established, committed to a place, firm, and unwavering.

Col 2:6-7 "So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." 

But you know what? I'm not. Not yet, anyway. I'm learning and I'm on a course there-but I have a long ways to go.

Ever have nights like mine tonight? Where you see where you are called to be, you are falling so short, you are fighting the lies, and the only way you can keep going is to hold on to the one thing you can't really hear or see; Jesus.

 2 Corinthians 4:18 "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal."
Hebrews 11:1 "Being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

That's me tonight. And I won't lie, it's a rough night. Nights like tonight mean sitting down in my bed, in the secret place no one really ever will know about...and hashing it out with Him. Hashing it out until my heart calms down, until my spirit has peace. Hashing it out until I cry, until I trust a little more, until my mind is renewed.

Because you see...He will finish what He started. He doesn't begin a good work unless He plans on finishing it to completion. And even though sometimes I know that, right now I'm a little sad. So I'm going to let Him tell me again the two questions that are burning on my heart, "What do you really feel about me?" and "What were you thinking when you made me?".  Because ultimately, all of this comes down to my identity in Him and me trusting in Him. I'm going to let Him teach me how to love and be loved.

I'm not that tree yet, but I am a promise. I am a sprout, or maybe even a baby sappling. And sometimes it feels like desert is all around me. But, He is there. And He is faithful.

Puzzle Pieces

I recently have acquired a new housemate. This transition was actually quite terrifying for me. But like the new book I am reading (and highly recommend), Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard  says,

"Most things are not nearly so appalling in actual fact as they are in anticipation".

It's suppose to just be until August so it's a nice baby step for me. In reality, it's been really amazing to learn how to "do life" with someone else. To give a little, to learn a little, to be more selfless, and to just have someone to share your day with when you come home.

(Kimberly moving in to the spare bedroom, or her bedroom, rather)

(Oh hey, it's our one week anniversary as housemates!)

That quote is how I've been feeling about lot of old fears, including living with someone again. But this move-in has proved to be one of the best learning experiences. Said housemate is everything I am not; super organized, solid, consistent, and responsible. Not to say I am not sometimes those things, but for her, that is her core. She is the solid, I am the flight-that's how it goes (and it works well for us).

My new housemate and I have also picked up a new hobby-doing puzzles. (We are hoping whatever puzzle we are working on will become a sort of center of the room, communal puzzle where everyone contributes!) But, I know what you are thinking. If you are anything like me your brain has immediately plugged "doing puzzles" into your granny-like-schema. I have to tell you, you don't know what you are missing.

Through this activity I have learned several things:

• Your puzzle partners victories are your victories.

-Many times we both yelled together when parts we had been working on for a long time came together. Even though it was her section, I was super excited. This was different for me, normally I'm super competitive. It was really nice to work alongside someone and enjoy in their victories as much as mine.

• Your puzzle partner has strengths where you have weaknesses (Believe it or not, you may have a weakness!)

--My housemate is really good at finding missing pieces I cannot. She can see angles that I can't see and has enough balls to push pieces together when I am too timid. And normally, she's right!

• Doing puzzles is ADHD heaven 

-If you are anything like me and have ADHD tendencies, puzzles are a magnificent way to have conversations and watch movies while your brain and hands simultaneously create puzzle magic. (Wizzam!)

• Lastly, Jesus talks like crazy to me through cardboard puzzles.

-This one was huge. I kept thinking about so many life concepts. Examples:
1-Don't force puzzle pieces together. They may look like they fit, they may have some of the right colors, but it just doesn't fit no matter how hard you push and bend.
2-Learn when to set a section down and look at a different part of the puzzle. You gain perspective.
3-When doing a puzzle, you group colors together first. You have NO IDEA what it's gonna look like. You just start sectioning off parts of the puzzle (Letting go of having it all figured out is super hard for someone like me).

4-Eventually, once you have sections grouped, you match a few together and things start to make sense.

I realize doing puzzles for everyone will not be a life-changing, metaphor creating, housemate bonding experience. But for me...it was. And it's funny that I should pick up this particular hobby now, when I feel like more than ever I'm finding all my lost puzzle pieces and gathering them back up.

All of that loquaciousness to say, I'm learning to let the puzzle pieces fall into place. I'm learning to trust in the One who already sees the whole puzzle. I'm learning to rejoice in the victories of people around me. I'm learning to let other people contribute their part of the puzzle. I'm learning to start with babysteps. And someday...it all will fall into place!

  (In case you were wondering I said the word "puzzle" 18, now 19, times)