Sometimes, I'm still that 4 year old...

As I was pulling into my driveway at 1am, I looked to my right and a mother was carrying her sleeping 4(ish) year old and putting her in the car. This sight elicited such juxtaposition from my heart.

In an instant I came up with a likely scenario; divorced parents, joint custody, midnight pick up.

Funny because I had had such an incredible day with the people I cherished most. But here I was in that moment, a woman on the brink of a quarter of a century, an inner-city youth educator, living independently, in my dream career, with community all around me, friends who love me, victorious over many battles, a conqueror of generational cycles...and I was that 4 year old again.

It was the strangest feeling. To sit in the car that I can pay for on my own, pulling up to the house that God had made it possible for me to live in, coming back from a day filled with people He has brought into my life. In one rapid moment, a mix of sadness and gratitude struck my heart.

Gratitude because I realized in that instant how much has happened in 25 years. I realized the magnitude of the hard decisions that had to be made to bring me to this moment. I reflected on the power of Jesus to totally change and shift a general trajectory for someone's life.

Sadness because I have learned to recognize all feelings as they come to the surface. And so...I felt it. I let myself feel whatever it was my heart needed to feel. And that was sadness. Sadness for myself and for this little girl. Sadness because of the effects of broken homes, mourning the lack of stability and wholeness that comes from two stable parents, and remembering what it felt like to be that little girl; what she didn't realize then and what she didn't know would happen later.

I'm going to pray for that little girl. That her story would be the same.

Sometimes in the hours that push into days, the 365 mornings we wake up to that turn into a year, and the years that blur together to form a dramatic change from what used to be...we forget how far He has taken us.

I know that God provided me that moment last night. And what better time than last night. What better time than while I was full of thanks and euphoria from a day filled with love and solid relationships. It was like I was watching my 4 year old self and He was saying, "Look what I saw when I saw you, look how I saved you, look how far I have taken you, look how much you said yes to, look at what it used to be like, and look where you are now".

And so I just want to say, thank You, Jesus.

For seeing me as I saw that little girl last night; unaware, helpless, and deserving of more love.

Thank you for giving me a different story than what could have been.

Thank you for taking what the enemy meant for evil and making it good.

Thank you for healing now the hurts that were caused then.

Thank you for gently reminding me of how far You and I have come.

Thank you for chasing me.

And it's not all perfect yet (and never will be). I still feel like that 4 year old sometimes; uncertain, surrounded by chaos, feeling unloved, and desiring affection. I still fight the desire to seek out those things in unhealthy ways, to hold on to unforgiveness and anger, and to beat the battle in my mind. But where I am now does not look anything like where I used to be. And He is not finished. And besides, who would we be if it wasn't for all of those yucky things?

No matter what place you're in, take a second to mute the lies that say you are going around the same mountain...and think about where you used to be.

I gaurantee more ground has been gained than you think.

And before you put another item on your "Need to be Perfect To-Do List",

dance a little for how far you and Jesus have come!

He really deserves the thank you.

Fight February, Grab a Kite.

 

"I told the townsfolk that the war against February was as necessary as the air we breathed. If we refused to fight back, the cold and gray would settle like a cold and endless blanket of rocks."-Light Boxes by Shane Jones (Page36)

 This is a quote from one of my favorite novels of all time, Light Boxes. It's about a village that is taken over by a man named February. There is so much imagery and so many symbols! I just love it! February wants it to be eternally cold and dark just like the month. He takes away flight, yes FLIGHT. All things that can fly; kites, hot air balloons, birds, etc.

I read this when I was fighting both my own personal February as well as the respective month. I fought for flight. I fought for the things that gave me life.
 
But now, as we are ending March--and entering into my 'break, rest, rejoice time--, I can rejoice that the fight was fought, that it was won, and that now is the time to enjoy all things of flight!

Have you fought February?

Enjoy it, grab a kite!

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Rest.

 

Hosea 2:14 depicts this past year of mine perfectly, "I am now going to allure her;I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her".

 And that's just what He did; He lead me, spoke to me, and tenderly brought me closer to Him. 

 But who the heck wants to go hang out in a desert?!

I guess I did.

God saw that I was willing to let Him go to the deepest, hidden and hurt parts of me...even if it was painful, costly, and uncomfortable (which it was). This was a time of letting God totally open me up, speak to me about things I have never wanted to deal with or feel, and trusting that when the waves of emotions crash over me I will be able to stand.

I can tell you that there has been tremendous pain, times of crying on the floor, mountains I thought I couldn't climb, lonely nights, and doubts but in the end (and every time) He came through. I knew then that He was prying my fingers off the ledge that I was so desperately hanging unto. It was terrifying. And now, I am looking back on this past year totally amazed at the victory that has happened.

 

Wait, let me explain one thing.

Victory was never my word.

You know, everyone has a word or words. Some people's words are dedication or ambition. Maybe some people's words are humble or driven.

My words have never been associated with victory, joy, triumph, rest and dancing (which is what God is calling me into right now).

My words have always been:

trial.

testing.

fire.

refining.

Ah yes, a bit more comfortable there. 

There's another scripture about deserts in Jeremiah 31:2. It says, "The people who survive the sword will find favor in the desert; I will come to give rest to Israel". I've always loved it. And I know why now; my season is changing.

Like everything, there are seasons. Seasons to fight, seasons to push, seasons to listen, seasons to talk, and seasons to rejoice in what has been accomplished and rest. 

 My new season is entitled: Rest.

Rest?! But I just started gaining ground, having victory, getting in the groove! It seems counter-productive after all. But God is very clearly whispering to me:

"Good job Meg, my beloved. I am proud of you. I have seen your heart, I have seen you fall and know that every time you get back up and wipe your smeared mascara off. But now...it's time to rest. It's time to rejoice in how far you've come (We've come) and take a break.

God wants me to "take a break".

I hear it so clearly.

And you know, it makes sense. When I'm teaching even an hour long class my students need a break in between. I'd like to just go right through, I've tried. I used to think I could get more done. The truth is, if I sacrifice those 3 minutes for a break, they all come back with much more energy and enthusiasm. If I try to keep pushing through, I'll lose them.

I don't know how long this season will last but if I've learned one thing this year it's that He is never a moment late. So, I'm not going to worry about it, I'm going to rest and rejoice. Because sooner or later this season will be over, and I will have had to recover, gain my strength, and be ready to battle round 2.

So, here's to rest. 

Here's to a little break from the fight.

Here's to a God who is a Father.

And let's get our dance on and enjoy it before round 2 starts!

 You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. Instead of the thorn bush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. Isaiah 55:12

xoxo,

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Jesus and My Bodywash

Ever go back to old journal entries? It's a marvelous thing to do. If you ever want to connect dots or follow the path that led you to the current moment you are in, just check out old stuff you were writing about. Since I just started this blog I have a lot of old stuff I want to share. Here is the first.

Back in September I wrote about a decision I made. God for awhile was pressing on my heart that I needed to make a decision; was I going to pick the road marked with complacency or sacrifice? I chose to let Him open me up, uproot me, and gut me out. I wanted it...and I still do.

But now I get why it sometimes seems so messy in this season. I gave Him a VIP all access pass back in September.

So, here is the journal entry:

September 19, 2010

"My good friend Christina (and her mom!) both heard the audible voice of God's matrimonial assurance upon their first encounter with what would later become their future husbands. Moses was encountered with such a powerful presence of the Lord that he had to veil his shining face. God told Nathan to tell David he was forgiven after commiting murder and adultery. People HEAR and ENCOUNTER God in powerful, profound ways.

God talks to me about my body wash.

Long story short: God has been pressing on me the choice between 2 different roads.

The first. Marked with complacency and comfort. It's on this road that I never step outside of myself or what is comfortable.
The second. Marked with sacrifice and discipline. It's this road that leads us to die to ourself, our ways of thinking, and our own efforts. And folks, it's scary down this path. But, I want it.

Well, with it comes a lot of uprooting. After all, a beautiful, fruit bearing, fragrant lilac bush can't sit on this second road when it's surrounded by very deep rooted, thorn-ridden, plants. Are you familiar with wisteria?

 source

Oh wisteria. 

Back when I owned a house, we had this cute plant called wisteria. It was pretty. It was deceptive. It was deadly. Like plant cancer. It would wrap itself around huge, wonderful trees and choke the very life out of it. These trees could have been old, deep rooted, weathered trees...they didn't stand a chance against the slow death of wisteria. Everything it touched could not survive long.

Well-God showed me my wisteria. (What's yours?) My deep rooted junk. The thing that all issues branch out of:  

Self-hatred. 

(Really?) After this year's Yom Kippur, a time set aside for God to uncover with you iniquities that are secret even from yourself...it was made clear.

And that brings me to my initial point (after my very loquacious preface);  

you don't appreciate something or value it if you don't know how much it costs.  

source 

I have this Olay Body Ribbons Body Wash stuff in my shower. It was bought for me for Christmas. I was walking through Wegmans the other day and saw it on the shelf-$7 dollars! That's a lot of money. I came home and realized I was looking at that bottle a lot different. All of the sudden I was glad I had it. I appreciated the scent, the texture, I hadn't realized how great it made my skin feel. Ah, yes. Because I knew it was $7. Before that moment it was just another body product. I get a ton of these every Christmas; lotions, body washes, the works.

And then God showed me: "You don't understand your value and you cannot see your worth because you don't realize how much YOU cost me. Meditate on this. Think about this. I bought YOU. You were costly. How much value must you have to Me? Let Me show you your value. Not you. Not lies spoken over you when you were younger. Not harsh words or actions against you. You have let that define your worth when I have already decided your price. Will you see how valuable you are now that you see the price tag I put on you?"

I have only begun to really get this. There is a long journey ahead of me. One that requires a secret place with Him, a refuge, and a lot of uprooting. 24 years of wrong thinking, bad thought patterns, and believing lies needs to be undone. I saw the symptoms of this but never saw the root.

The root's uncovered...and I'm gonna take a chainsaw to it."

Fast forward about 7 months later. I'm glad I made that decision. And it probably will get messier at times. But I wouldn't want to be in any other spot. And slowly I'm learning my value.

Take a second, look back. Check out an old journal entry. See how faithful God is.

Send it Up with a Balloon

If you are anything like me you have, many times, found yourself inside a cyclone of vicious cycles made up of self-imposed expectations that are quickly followed by disappointments.

That's my brain.

At least, until now.

My friend recently let me burrow one of her books we found during a Barnes & Noble "Literary Adventure" (Sitting and reading your respective books and sharing quotes is a good way to spend a Friday night, try it!). It's entitled "Last One Down the Aisle Wins" by Shannon Fox and Celeste Liversidge.

Inside this book of many treasures, at approximately page 103, was a novel idea entitled,

The Sometimes-It's-Okay-to-Give-Up-Hope-Experience.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking what I thought at first, too. What a defeatist attitude! It's not at all that. Sometimes we carry around unrealistic expectations of ourselves and of others. We refuse to let go of them and the result is that we are tied down to them and to the emotions that are connected. We create ideas of perfection, we strive, and we end up in a puddle of tears; devastated and exhausted.

Here are the instructions:

1-Write your "wishes" for yourself and others on an index card. If it helps, start with "I wish..."

(Example: I wish I was thinner, I wish I could be a perfect teacher, I wish my mom would stop criticizing my appearance, I want to not make mistakes, I need to have everyone like me)

They advise you to write as many cards as you need to. Now is not the time to hold back.

2-Tie these cards to a helium-filled balloon and go to a nice, peaceful location (Park, backyard,beach)

3-Say each card out loud before letting it go

4-As it floats away...really focus on letting that unrealistic desire of yourself or someone else in your life float away with it

I, for one, am going to buy some index cards, balloons, and find a nice park. Between the standards of perfection I hold for myself and other people...I'll need to start stocking up on cards now. I'll let you know how it goes...