Chairman of the World

He wiped his face with his handkerchief, for he was quite warm from the exertion of being Chairman of the World. It had taken more running and leaping and sliding than he had imagined. (from Stuart Little by E.B. White)

My memory fails me sometimes and I forget how easy it is to steal the throne of control.
But it's too big for me and I don't fit well inside it.
The happenings assumed with the throne (that once seemed so easy to manage) have shape shifted.
Shifted their shapes and shocked me.
They are heavy, they exhaust me, and I am exhausted.
Flummoxed.
They are beyond me and I am beyond Him.
Or He's beyond me?
Maybe I liked being confused and complaining.
I think I'll switch chairs.

Fruit

Sukkot is one of my favorite High Holidays on the Jewish calendar! It's about (amongst many other things) being thankful for the fruit in your life in a season where things are dying (Fall). How beautiful is that? There's a real correlation in my mind. Most times, death is required before fruit can be produced and here we are, leaves changing vibrant reds and yellows, falling to the ground and dying while we think about the fruit in our lives.
As we are in Sukkot, a time to remember how God provided for the Israelites as they wandered the desert, I am reminded of being thankful for harvest both literal and metaphorical. And while it's hard to understand a world where what's in your fridge correlates to what's in your bank account (thank you credit card company?) I can understand spiritual fruit. You don't invest, you avoid the unpleasant, you refuse to trust the Lord, you want the easy way out...and wam bam you get what you want, but it really wasn't what you wanted. And the bonus? No spiritual fruit was produced in you.

And don't get me wrong, it's easier to not have spiritual fruit produced in your character. The process of dying to self, learning to lean, and being honest with God about your true state stinks.

But when it's all said and done, we are glad we did it every time.

And since this fruit thang thang has been on my brain, and I just so happened to be in the book of Galatians, I started looking at the fruit of the spirit...and realizing how unnatural it really seems to me:

• love
• joy
• peace
• forbearance
• kindness
• goodness
• faithfulness
• gentleness
• self-control

Now before you start thinking you've got it on lock down and I'm a hot mess...I'm not talking about the really good moods and good days when everything is going right and it's easy to be some of these things. Or days when you can fake it really well. I'm talking about this being a part of my character, so much so that it seeps out naturally in my thoughts, actions, and attitudes. Because, let's be real...loving someone other than your self is entirely foreign (your whole life you are the center). That's why mothers are like super heros to me. Or goodness? Please. I can't even help myself be a hypocritical fool on the road pointing out everyones mistakes they make driving when I just practiced the same behavior 1 minute prior on the of ramp of 490. Patience? The absolute toughest for me and not in my nature. Self-control? Ha...

And it's not that I don't try, I do. In fact, most of the problem results from my effort. This is not a battle of sweat and muscling through. I will never bear these traits in my being by mere brute force. This is a hard concept to really get. But truthfully, there is more power in an open and raw dialogue with God about where you are with these things. Not covering it up, or pretending, or doing better next time, but a realization of your person; controlled by emotions, selfish, impatient, and doubtful...and letting Him see all of it.

I want these things to be woven into my character. I want to have my life be lived for others. And mostly, I want to do things and be these things when no one is looking but Jesus. Because I want Him to be my only audience and motivation.

Take a look right by that section in Galatians when you get a chance. You will see another portion dedicated to acts of the sinful nature. Whether I like to admit it often or not, I am much more familiar with those acts. Those are like dear friends at times.

During that time walking around in the desert, God was clear about something: rely on Me. Don't store up the food, don't try and turn around, don't make your own way. Just follow the fire by night and the pillar of smoke by day...and slowly, year after year, you will get there.

I just hope I don't go around in circles making a journey that should take 2 weeks, a journey that lasted 40 years.

So, be honest with Him.
But mostly be honest with yourself.
And trust that what He requires, although uncomfortable, produces what you really do want.

Happy Sukkot!
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Keep Walking

Well, it would do me no good to run away. There were other bears in the woods. I might meet one any time. I mights well deal with this one as with another. 

 (from Little House In The Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder)

I remember a time, not too far back, when all the things I was hoping for, fighting for, reaching towards were entirely unseen. Everything was shaking and uncertainty was the thick cloud I breathed. I remember feeling like a house, whose foundation was being ripped up and replaced. During reconstruction, everything seems scary.

I remember talking on the phone in the middle of the mess to a woman who very much is a mentor to me. She patiently reminded me of the truth and the progress that had been made even if I couldn't see a single step in front of me. I remember not being able to see, feeling totally hopeless, but knowing the only thing I could do was keep walking forward. I remember in that moment realizing what the scripture "hope in things unseen" meant and what it required. And I remember a decision I had to make; would I turn around after all this time and give up? Go back? Retreat? Or would I press forward, even though I was tired, even though I was doubting, even though I felt like I had reached my end.

I remember the Lord whispering to me about the joy in reaching the end of ourselves.

And so I kept moving. Because, what else could I do? If I stopped now, I'd never finish. And if I didn't get past this obstacle, it would only show it's face another time.

You know the feeling when you start deep cleaning and everything seems to be messier than when you started? Or when you are doing renovation and it feels like no order will ever come to that part of the house again? That was how I felt, and I was the house.

I was already in the middle of it. I had burned all the bridges and all the walls were already knocked down. Tons of energy, effort, and tears had lead me to the very place where I currently stood. Part of me knew, deep down, that what lay before me, as unseen and unsure as it seemed in that moment, had to be there.

So I kept walking.
And He kept uprooting.
And He kept fighting (for me).
And He kept whispering.
And He kept leading.
And slowly, (painfully slow) with my hand in His, He began to maneuver me around that deep forest I was in. Turning right when I thought it should be left, teaching me along the way, dodging potholes and unseen prickers, stopping to point out beautiful wildlife when I was in a rush to finish.

I didn't have a map, I didn't have the skills, I didn't even have the right shoes-but He lead me. And I think the end of myself is just what He was waiting for. Because as soon as I tired of trying and muscling my way through, as soon as I just let Him take my weak and weary hand, we were already out of the forest. And I didn't even realize I was out until He told me to take a look around. Suddenly, the familiars were gone. All those things I had assumed would always be there (the thoughts, the doubts, the fears, the habits, the mess)...were back in the woods. And there we were, standing together in a field, the sun shining, hand in hand.

"For this commandment which I command you this day is not too difficult for you nor is it far off" Deut 30:11 

And I could tell He wasn't at all surprised. In fact, it was almost as if He was grinning with a "I told you so" type of smile.

"What I have said, that I will bring about. What I have planned, that I will do" Isaiah 46:11

He took roots that were so deep and ripped them out.
He transformed ways of thinking.
He changed patterns of behavior.
He washed away lies that I believed.
He instilled truth, joy, and peace that I didn't understand.
And all I had to do was say, in a weak and unsure voice, "ok".

I could still be standing back there where He asked me to give Him my hand.Or worse, I could have turned around and walked deeper.
But He said He was going to do it...long before I even knew how much there was to do.
And He did.

And as I'm looking to the new year, and thinking back on the past 2 years, I want to cry.
He really is who He says He is.
He really does what He says He'll do.
He really finishes what He starts.
And the impossible really is made possible with Him.

And while there will be more battles to fight, more hills to climb, and more uprooting that needs to happen in the future-He has brought me out of a forest I never thought ended. (And I never want to go back)

So if you are standing in the middle of a dark (and super scary) forest and are thinking of turning around remember that it would do no good to run away. You've come too far already. If it's not this thing, it'll be another. You might as well deal with this bear now.

xoxo,
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"But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?" Romans 8:24-25

"I burned the bridges, they can't be found. I paid my vows, no turning around. I am Yours. Whatever it feels like. Whatever it looks like. When I heard Your voice, when You said my name, my heart it yearned for You..."-Misty Edwards