When Everything is Shaking

Everything is a process, a balancing act. There are no clean and concise arrivals, always transitions. Always rough edges. This is how growth works. It is both pain and beauty.

Before I say anything, I just want to laugh with all of you at how funny God is.
The majority of this blog (besides these few sentences as a preface) was written before I sat down in the principal's office (I still go there) and was told I am laid off as she cried, as did a few other staff members (except me, oddly enough).
It's funny on many levels. Irony. God really speaking. Me really hearing. And practicing what I really am saying. So, that's that. I don't have a job anymore. As far as I know, I will not see the kids who I have poured my heart and soul into next year graduate. But I'm posting the blog I wrote this morning anyway. Because this is the inside outside upside down Kingdom. Because Faith requires trusting in things that are unseen. Because, for some reason (even though everyone else is freaking out and making me question my odd sense of calm)...I have peace.

Because I keep hearing Him whisper that this situation is critical for me.

That how I react to this will matter.

For what, I don't know.

My character? My understanding of Him? 

Whatever it is, I know that if I did freak out the whole time He'd still be there.

But this time, I want it to be different. I want Him to show off.

Show how He can give peace in the middle of a storm.

And walk out this word faith that I always talk about and seldom really walk out.

Cheers to that.

 ---
Refuge. Rock. Fortress.
These are the words I keep coming to.

I seem to be in a time of lots of uncertainties. There is a lot of unstable ground to stand on and a lot of shaking going on. Will I be teaching next year? Will I have half my pay cut? Will I have to move out of my apartment? Will I ever uproot some of the junk that I know needs uprooting? Will I be a barren old maid with cats? (this last one is the funniest of them all). It's really easy to grab a ticket on the anxiety train. To swirl around in a jungle of thoughts and distrust. It's almost fun, in a sick way. It's almost satisfying...a way to relieve the stress of coming face to face with the fact that we will sometimes have to not know. We will sometimes have to blindly walk in faith.
Faith that He's good.
Faith that He's in control.

And you know what's funny? In the midst of all of this God is just telling me to be in a season of rejoicing.

Rejoicing.

He told me this months ago when I wanted to keep digging, uprooting, etc.
He said to me, "Meg, I'm proud of you. Now, rest. Relax. Rejoice in the victories that we've already had."
I'm not so good at this.
I'm really good at fighting. I'm really good at meeting goals. I'm really good at persevering.
Not so good at resting. Or giving myself grace. Or seeing how far we've come together.
But I'm getting better.

Anyway, I think sometimes when the ground is the shakiest, when there is really nothing firm to hold on to, when everything seems like it's up in the air...is the best place to be.
When else would I so willingly reject the mirages of comfort and security that can be shaken.
They're crumbling, too.
That mirage looses it's power.
So, I grab on to what's stable, firm, unchanging, unmoving, everlasting; the Cornerstone.
It seems so clear in those moments just how stable and secure and safe He is then.

And, really, if it's not this little uncertainty it will be the next.
I actually think the idea of arriving at some place that is safe is an illusion.
I think even if I were to find out about my job, my husband, how old I will live to be, if I will have kids, how old my grandmother will live to be (all these silly questions I sometimes ask)...there would always be something else uncertain.

And even though I sometimes lose scope on this, I'm glad it's messy and uncertain and painful at times.

Because the trees that are the most pruned and deformed are also the most fruitful.

So, I'm gonna do what He said and is still saying... rejoice.
I'm going to think back on all the places He has taken me,
Remember all the power He had then,
All the obstacles He brushes aside,
All the seemingly unchangable circumstances that were changed,
All the places He went ahead and prepared for me to come into...
Because, I'll need those memories for what is ahead.
Whatever that is.
I'll need to remember He can do it again. and again. and again.

So, if you're in the middle of the journey...
Enjoy the rough edges.
And the pruning.

xoxo,
mp