When Everything is Shaking

Everything is a process, a balancing act. There are no clean and concise arrivals, always transitions. Always rough edges. This is how growth works. It is both pain and beauty.

Before I say anything, I just want to laugh with all of you at how funny God is.
The majority of this blog (besides these few sentences as a preface) was written before I sat down in the principal's office (I still go there) and was told I am laid off as she cried, as did a few other staff members (except me, oddly enough).
It's funny on many levels. Irony. God really speaking. Me really hearing. And practicing what I really am saying. So, that's that. I don't have a job anymore. As far as I know, I will not see the kids who I have poured my heart and soul into next year graduate. But I'm posting the blog I wrote this morning anyway. Because this is the inside outside upside down Kingdom. Because Faith requires trusting in things that are unseen. Because, for some reason (even though everyone else is freaking out and making me question my odd sense of calm)...I have peace.

Because I keep hearing Him whisper that this situation is critical for me.

That how I react to this will matter.

For what, I don't know.

My character? My understanding of Him? 

Whatever it is, I know that if I did freak out the whole time He'd still be there.

But this time, I want it to be different. I want Him to show off.

Show how He can give peace in the middle of a storm.

And walk out this word faith that I always talk about and seldom really walk out.

Cheers to that.

 ---
Refuge. Rock. Fortress.
These are the words I keep coming to.

I seem to be in a time of lots of uncertainties. There is a lot of unstable ground to stand on and a lot of shaking going on. Will I be teaching next year? Will I have half my pay cut? Will I have to move out of my apartment? Will I ever uproot some of the junk that I know needs uprooting? Will I be a barren old maid with cats? (this last one is the funniest of them all). It's really easy to grab a ticket on the anxiety train. To swirl around in a jungle of thoughts and distrust. It's almost fun, in a sick way. It's almost satisfying...a way to relieve the stress of coming face to face with the fact that we will sometimes have to not know. We will sometimes have to blindly walk in faith.
Faith that He's good.
Faith that He's in control.

And you know what's funny? In the midst of all of this God is just telling me to be in a season of rejoicing.

Rejoicing.

He told me this months ago when I wanted to keep digging, uprooting, etc.
He said to me, "Meg, I'm proud of you. Now, rest. Relax. Rejoice in the victories that we've already had."
I'm not so good at this.
I'm really good at fighting. I'm really good at meeting goals. I'm really good at persevering.
Not so good at resting. Or giving myself grace. Or seeing how far we've come together.
But I'm getting better.

Anyway, I think sometimes when the ground is the shakiest, when there is really nothing firm to hold on to, when everything seems like it's up in the air...is the best place to be.
When else would I so willingly reject the mirages of comfort and security that can be shaken.
They're crumbling, too.
That mirage looses it's power.
So, I grab on to what's stable, firm, unchanging, unmoving, everlasting; the Cornerstone.
It seems so clear in those moments just how stable and secure and safe He is then.

And, really, if it's not this little uncertainty it will be the next.
I actually think the idea of arriving at some place that is safe is an illusion.
I think even if I were to find out about my job, my husband, how old I will live to be, if I will have kids, how old my grandmother will live to be (all these silly questions I sometimes ask)...there would always be something else uncertain.

And even though I sometimes lose scope on this, I'm glad it's messy and uncertain and painful at times.

Because the trees that are the most pruned and deformed are also the most fruitful.

So, I'm gonna do what He said and is still saying... rejoice.
I'm going to think back on all the places He has taken me,
Remember all the power He had then,
All the obstacles He brushes aside,
All the seemingly unchangable circumstances that were changed,
All the places He went ahead and prepared for me to come into...
Because, I'll need those memories for what is ahead.
Whatever that is.
I'll need to remember He can do it again. and again. and again.

So, if you're in the middle of the journey...
Enjoy the rough edges.
And the pruning.

xoxo,
mp

The Safe Compass

(Source)

But it ain’t our feelings we have to steer by through life—no, no we’d make shipwreck mighty often if we did that. There’s only the one safe compass and we’ve got to set our course by that—what it’s right to do. (from Anne's House of Dreams by L.M. Montgomery)

Sometimes, I forget the most basic principles. 

Sometimes, the Bible is so practical and wise.

Sometimes, I just do things my way.

I don't want to always live by emotions or feelings. They change so quickly.

I want to base my life on what's right, fully believing God is GOOD and not holding out on me.

Because let's face it, when we really die to ourselves and lay down all of what we want and think we need...does He not every time take care of us?

When I am afraid I will trust in You, the Rock that is higher.

I will not build my life upon the passing sands
Of how I feel inside from one moment to the next
But I will love you Lord, my Rock, my God, my Strength
A precious cornerstone that floods of death can never shake
I let go of my reasoning and fall upon the Rock that is higher. 

-Laura Hackett, When I Am Afraid

Deuteronomy 10:12-13 instructs us to, "walk in His ways, to love Him, to serve Him with our whole heart and soul, and to observe His commands that He's giving us for our own good"

Ha, that was funny when I read it.

He's not trying to make us miserable. He doesn't just want a whole bunch of little human minions. 

He's not some meanie who cannot be trusted.
These guidelines, these instructions, these times He says wait or no...it's for our own good.

Just maybe, He really did create the universe and all that's in it.

Just maybe, He might know a little better than us.

Just maybe, His perspective is a bit larger than ours.

Just maybe, He really does care for us.

And it will pay off.

What we sow, we really do reap.

A life-long time of bad decisions really does reap a certain type of life.

I've seen it.
A life-long time of hard but good decisions really does reap a certain type of life.
I've seen that, too.

(Source)
And it's been in the Word since I started reading it.
The whole time.
Why do I keep forgetting?
Galatians 6:7-8 in the message says,
"What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life" 

So, there it is. A promise that what we're doing right now WILL pay off. That it matters when you chose what's right. And normally that means not going with your rushing emotions. And sometimes, you will be in a season when you're reaping. When you are able to receive the fruit for all your hard work. And sometimes, you're just in a season of farming, of plowing, of sowing. Sometimes, in those seasons, you won't see the fruit for a long time.

Ecclesiastes 3:7 says specifically that there is, "a right time to plant and another to reap".

I don't want to try and reap before it's time.

All of this has made me want to learn about farming.
I'm going to be doing a woofing program with a farmer I know from the farmer's market.
I think God has some stuff He wants to teach me about all of this.

Until then I'm going to try and:
1-Not rush seasons
2-Realize good decisions will pay off
3-Not react out of emotions or what I think I want
4-Trust that He is good and not holding out on me

I don't want a fruit that's not ripe yet. And I don't want to get lazy and not plant.
And I want my life to not be shipwrecked by my emotions.
I want to do it because it's the right thing to do.
Whatever that thing is.

xoxo,
mp


 PS-Sometimes feelings say God isn't near. That you are distant from Him. This, maybe more than anything, is when it's the most crucial to keep on going. The truth says that nothing can separate you, that He will never leave you, and scripture shows He has done nothing but pursue you will everlasting love. So fight the feeling.

Myriad, Petty, Unsexy Ways.

(Source)

Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different. (from Prince Caspian by C S Lewis)

It's so true that all the little moments, small decisions, countless times you do the right thing (or wrong thing)...all add up.

That while you are in the midst it doesn't seem like these things will have the ripple effect they do, they will.

We are short-sighted. Blinded sometimes by the impact our decisions, thoughts, and choices make.

Because we all know if we donate a million dollars to something, it will have an effect.

Or if we get married, it will change things.

But...what about the other "stuff".

The stuff that makes up the other 90% of our days, our lives?

These moments I'm talking about arn't exactly exciting or rewarding.

The "highs" are great and the "new" is refreshing but most of your life is determined by how well you handle the boring, the seemingly unimportant, the ordinary moments, and your determination to really commit to the things that are not, at least at that time, "exciting".

I'm reminded of this everyday when I leave my house.
My friend Mary Kate put a post-it note by my door-I read it everyday before I leave.
It says something so simple but really powerful

Go Change The World.

And that sign does not play favorites. It says it everyday. It says the same thing when I walk out of my house on days I later feel like I made huge impacts in people's lives, on days I just let someone budge me in line, and even on the days I'm super self-absorbed or rude. But everyday I'm changing the world just the same. And maybe I'm just crazy enough to believe that's true?

David Foster Wallace (I know, I'm obsessed. But this guy speaks to my soul, ha!) talks about this idea as a type of freedom. He says, "This kind of freedom has much to recommend it. But there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talked about in the great outside world of winning and achieving and displaying. The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day. That is real freedom.

I don't wanna miss those moments. Mess up those moments.

I want to have integrity and decency in the small moments responding to crazy Rochester drivers, a needy student, Wegman's line budgers, or just anonymous acts of kindness as I do in the spotlight. There are much more opportunities for the former throughout my day-and my response to each makes up my person and change everyone else's lives around me.

Maybe the problem is we don't really think our lives impact others.

But everyday I'm learning more and more...that it does.

Whether we like it or not.
For the better or for the worse.

And make no mistake,

when you look back,

all those moments add up...

and they made all the difference.

xoxo,

mp

Climb Into Their Skin

“First of all,” he said, “if you can learn a simple trick, Scout, you’ll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” (from To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee)

Climbing into someone elses skin and walking around in it? I love this idea!

What a perfect visualization of something I personally don't do often enough.

And let's be honest, it's hard.

It's hard to really feel what somene else feels, to really see what someone else sees.

Especially if we have had no experiences to plug it in to or relate it to.

And I hate to say this, but sometimes it's hard to care.

And I don't mean looking at a picture of an emaciated toddler that needs food and being moved to give.

That's easy to feel for.

I'm talking about the daily, little things.

Someone's shower isn't working.
Someone is stressed out.

Someone constantly struggles with feeling rejected.

I admit, sometimes I stink at this all together. Sometimes I'm so deep in my own world of "fixing myself" or just surviving that I miss it. Sometimes I can't really feel what it's like to be in someone elses shoes. But normally, when it's that difficult, it's because I didn't take the time.

And it seems very clear to me lately...it's important to God (other people).

Lately, I have been blessed with opportunities to really listen to people's lives. To learn from their experiences and seasons that are very different from my own. Just last night I got to spend time with two friends from my congregation. They are the most vibrant, young, interesting people. They are also married with a beautiful daughter (not that those things are mutually exclusive, ha!). They are in seemingly different worlds than me. But I want to learn about where they are at because sometime I will be there, too. It was fun to watch them interact, look around their house, go through photo albums, and be invited in to experience this world they have created...there's no other lesson like it. I learned a lot in those few hours about myself and about them just by watching them. And for a moment, I saw a glimpse of what it would be like to pick up their skin and put it on...to walk around in it for a bit.

I thought:
It must be tough.

It must be beautiful.

It must be fulfilling.

It must be stressing.

It must be wonderful.

It must be testing.

It must be...your life.

(And I think all of those things are probably true)

I want to try more often to put on other people's skin.

Because how else will we learn from one another?

"I Will Be Happy When..."

The deadly phrase, "I will be happy when_________".

Fill in the blank for yourself.
It has left many of us, myself included, drowning in a sea of discontent.
We are not sure how we arrived there, how long we have been there exactly, or even how to get out; that's how it usually goes.
No one wants to be swimming in that sea.
And we certainly always think we will never find ourselves there.

But sometimes, as it turns out, we end up wading in just that type of salty water.

And that's just what it is; salty water.
Ever swam in the ocean?
Oh sure, it looks beautiful. It even sounds beautiful. But we all remember the first time we swam in it. Naive and full of excitement...until we got our first gulp.
It was like sucking down on a bottle of beautifully blue soy sauce.
And even though it looks deceptively beautiful,that salty water will dehydrate you.
But make no mistake, once you taste your first gulp you learn quickly how to swim with your mouth locked up like Alcatraz.
We don't keep taking gulps over and over again, temporarily forgetting it doesn't really satisfy.
We don't drink until we are dehydrating, thirsting for some nice, refreshing, clean water.
We make the first mistake. We learn. And we make sure we take note: ocean water-yucky, tap water-yummy.
So why is it different with other things? Is dementia to be blamed?

What's your word?

I'll be happy when______

I have a good job.

I'm thinner.

I get married.

I get divorced.

I have a house.

I graduate from college.

I move.

I'm recognized.

I have a child.

I have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

I recently got back from a trip to Hawaii in May with some students of mine. I've always been really drawn to trees. I think it's just the magnitude they are able to portray. You understand, looking at a 400 year old tree, just how small you are in the scheme of things. These trees have weathered many storms, they have seen leaves bloom and leaves fall, and there they still stand.

But I think most of all, what I am captivated by are their roots. These roots are the reason they are still standing. These roots are the way in which they derive their nutrients. These roots have dug through pavement, around rocks, split through metal poles; anything in their way to secure their foundation and longevity. We could all learn something from trees.

I want to live the same way. I want to have my roots dig deep. I want to have a sure and solid foundation that waves of desire and winds of lies cannot ruin. I want to know so deeply in my core who I am in Christ what He is for me that I won't need all these other ideas to satisfy. I want to derive my nourishment, my joy, my everything from clean, pure, water and not salty water.

Sometimes we don't even know why we want these things we think will make us happy. It's like one of my favorite writers, David Foster Wallace said in a novel he wrote called Infinite Jest, "like most North Americans of his generation, Hal tends to know way less about why he feels certain ways about the objects and pursuits he's devoted to than he does about the objects and pursuits themselves. It's hard to say for sure whether this is even exceptionally bad, this tendency."


And we all know this, we are not blind to this fact. We all realize at our most conscious and alert state that 'things' or 'novelties' or 'people' won't make us happy. But sometimes, without knowing it, we end up in the middle of that ocean, wading through the salty water...


Ultimately...it's never going to quench your thirst.
And really... it's a mirage.
And honestly... it's more like a lie.
And sometimes...I forget that the only thing that can possibly quench that thirst is Him.
Because...in Him I live and move and have my being (Acts 17:28)
And whether I like that idea or not (because sometimes it's frustrating)...I'm glad it stands true.
(And I certainly want to have my foundation built on something that will stand).

So, I'm just writing to remind myself,
And maybe you if you're swimming out there with me.

xoxo,
mp

You need to learn a secret; What you have in your Shepherd is greater than what you don't have in life.