Next moment he was standing erect on the rock again, with that smile on his face and a drum beating within him. It was saying, “To die will be an awfully big adventure.” (from Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie)
If ever there was a depressing life “season” title this would be it, “Season of Dying”.
Yet, that’s exactly where I feel like I am.
Dying to self.
Dying to fears.
Dying to control.
Dying to pride.
Dying to others.
Dying to needs.
Dying . Dying. Dying.
It sounds depressing because it can be.
Some days I am full of hope and excitement about what all of this could truly mean if (when) I succeed.
And some days I am scared and sad.
The truth is, I am both.
Let’s be honest, aren’t we all?
Some days the knights and warriors in this battle we want to be…
And some days the meek and afraid soldiers behind rocks?
I mean, after all, Ephesians 6:14 says,
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places."
Rulers and powers.
Forces of darkness.
Wickedness in heavenly places.
It sounds like it’s out of a Harry Potter book.
So, I can’t be making this up.
I literally picture Mel Gibson in Braveheart. Bloody, screaming, determined.
It can be scary. And we are weak.
Ah, the word weak. The word I hate more than any other word.
To be vulnerable. To need someone or something outside of yourself.
Another part of this season.
-But what if they hurt me?
-What if they leave?
-What if I'm disappointed?
Weakness.
To not have all the answers.
But I am weak. And doesn’t the Word say that in this very weakness I despise, Christ is made perfect and His power reigns?
I also know fear has no place in this story of a battle of love and war. 2 Timothy 1: 7 says,
"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline."
Discipline. That word. Dying to another thing; what I want or feel is right in the moment.
1 Corinthians 9:27 paints a picture of a violent fight towards discipline. It potrays this as a very active engagement, not passive. This verse says,
“but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified.”
Discipline
Beat
Made a slave.
I didn't even have victory in discipline over the lemonade cake last weekend. How am I going to be able to beat this flesh of mine? But we can. And are called to.
What about this selfishness deep inside me. There certainly is no dearth of that.
Selfishness permeates every crevice of my being right now . Albeit a dramatic statement, it is true. My sincere prayer lately has been for God to change this. This notion of self-preservation is deeply planted in me for a variety of reasons. But God is faithful to finish the work He starts in us. Even today, I was more outside of myself that I have been in months. For the first time in awhile I saw the "urgent needs" of those around me. Scripture commands this of me. Titus 3:14 says,
“Our people must learn to do good by meeting the urgent needs of others; then they will not be unproductive.”
And I was able to be sensitive to that. I saw the janitor that just wanted to talk and share his life. I saw the student who needed to tell me about their weekend. I saw. I saw. I saw. And even though Im not totally there yet, at least I saw. That’s a step in the right direction.
Disqualified. Unproductive.
These are the consequences scripture gives me of selfishness.
And I don’t want those tattooed all over my life.
"You've tackled every job that ever came your
way," Pa said. "You never shirked, and you always stuck to it till
you did what you set out to do. Success gets to be a habit, like anything else
a fellow keeps on doing." (from These Happy Golden Years by Laura Ingalls
Wilder)
Here’s to the battle for our legacies.
Here’s to sticking with it even when it means dying.
Xoxo,
mp
