Remember

 (Source)

Last night William and I were reading our Bibles together. Since he's been in Jeremiah, we began talking about what he has gotten from it and what he thinks. While I was looking along in my Bible, I flipped past Jeremiah 31. Jeremiah 31, for a long time, was my 'season chapter'. Have you ever had a scripture, a word, a mantra, and chapter in the Bible, or an idea that was with you for a long period of time? Something that was so relevant to you for that season you couldn't get away from it. Jeremiah 31 was that for me for about 2 years.

Looking back on that season I can only describe it a few ways:

1. I had said 'yes' (meekly and weakly) to Him doing whatever it took to make me into who He wanted me to be. No matter how uncomfortable or painful it felt.
He promised to me in Chapter 31,
"The people who survive the sword will find favor int he desert; I will come to give rest to Israel"

2. With that statement, God was completely demolishing an 'old house' and building a 'new house' from the ground up.
 Jeremiah talks about this idea when He says that He will "uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant"
                    He spoke to me of broken bones not fully healed needing to be re-broken.

3. He began revealing faulty belief systems I had functioned under and started teaching me new ones. 
 (What a Father means, that being angry and yelling at Him was OK, and that I was could not continue controlling what I was trying to control if I wanted His best)

4. God was teaching me how to be honest with Him, raw, angry, anything real.
He can take it.

5. I was told to grab a hold of promises that I was not even close to being able to see or feel. 
He would talk to me about delivery, pregnancy, birthing pains. About having a promise inside of me grow until His perfect timing when I would 'give birth' to it (I get it, weird). Scriptures like "Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery? Says the Lord" And would understand, in part, the process and journey we were on.

But what did all of that really mean?

A heaping, blubbering, fetal positioned Megan on the floor. 

More times than not. Scared more times than brave. Doubtful more times than hopeful. Sad more times than happy. Uncomfortable more times than comfortable.

But determined. Stubborn. Relentless.

Because there was no way I could turn back. 

We had already began surgery.

And a patient in the middle of open-heart surgery cannot just get up and decide they don't want it anymore. 

And so why do I bring this up?  I realized that...

The seasons of brokenness, heartache, and pain are the most powerful and fruitful.

And the season you are reaching for, once arrived, are the most dangerous.

Dangerous because I had forgotten.

 Sitting now on the other side of promises fulfilled, healing, wholeness, stability, and peace, it's so easy to lose sight of everything.

Here I am seeing all God said He's do be done.
"As I watched over them to uproot and tear down and to overthrow, destroy and bring disaster, so I will watch over them to build and to plant"
"Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce...". 

It didn't matter. I still lost sight of it all somewhere.
I didn't do it on purpose. And it's not like it was super obvious that it happened.
In fact, maybe it was 'the norm' for most people.
It was sort of like what happens when you've been married awhile but stop communicating as much as you used to. Sure, you love them. You may even have a few sweet moments. But some passion is missing, some awe, what you had in the beginning has changed and you don't know how it happened. 

I can't let 'the norm' take the place of what He worked so hard to build in me.

I have been given so much so that I can love so much.

I want the fire. I want the discipline. I want the dedication. I want the passion.

"I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me and followed me through the desert, through a land not sown." Jeremiah 2:1

How awful when you realize you are like Israel. You are like the people who you read in these stories only to wonder how they could forget so easily? Neglect so profoundly?

But there is another thing that has been true and woven inside and throughout the entire story of God and Israel....

 They were chased by God.

And I have been chased as well by the lover of my soul, Jesus. 

He says in Jeremiah 31 that He disciplines me like an unruly calf to restore me, that if I come to Him with my whole heart, He will still be my God, that He redeems me from the hands of those stronger than I, and that He will refresh the weary and faint.

So what now?

Let Him remind me. Let Him bring it all back to memory.

Run whole-heartedly back to the beginning of that story.

Just as a couple has to do when they forget what it was like in the beginning, I will do with Him.

Be more deliberate.

Spend more quality time.

Revisit what once made us so alive.

Listen to what's on His heart.

Thank you Lord for what You did in that season.

Thank You for whispering that I've forgotten.
And thank You that You're not done with me yet.

So, if you've forgotten too...it's not too late to be reminded.

Here's to remembering,

mp

"I will make an everlasting covenant with them, I will never stop doing good to them...I will rejoice in doing them good and will assuredly plant them in this land will all my heart and soul" 

Jeremiah 32:40

Brave, Generally

 (Source)

"I'm very brave generally," he went on in a low voice: "only today I happen to have a headache." 
 (from Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll)

 I started reading Joshua this morning. Two words kept sticking out to me:

Strong. Courageous.

God tells the people, "Be strong and very courageous." and then later says, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged."

While I do think sometimes it's easier to become discouraged, I am realizing that courageous and brave is not what I had thought it to be.

 Something struck me a few months ago while I was waiting at a red light.

(Side note: I rarely have such profound thoughts at red lights. Typically, I am impatient.

I wish I'd get better at not wasting my moments while I'm at red lights.

Did you know the average person spends 2 weeks of their life waiting for the traffic light to change? That's two weeks I'll never get back being antsy....)

My whole life I have thought that being brave or having courage meant you didn't actually feel that scaredy-pants-pang down deep in your gut. I always thought it was talking about those brave few souls. The people who never feel the butterflies in their stomach, or the roller coaster ride pit/I'm-going-to-puke Feeling. I always thought of them entering into these situations free from all doubts and worries.

They weren't like me, calculating everything that could go wrong.

They weren't like me, speaking doubts and fears out-loud to myself the whole way there.

They weren't like me, convinced I'd fail before I started.

But the truth is, being brave doesn't mean you don't feel all those things, it just means you walk forward in the face of all of those feelings anyway.

I think everyone who has walked into a burning building was still scared.

And I think every man's heart who has protected his family from an intruder 

was bursting out of his chest.

And every woman who went into labor was nervous.

But they all did it anyway.

My problem is I tend to be immobilized by fear, initially.

I needed to say everything that could go wrong before I would move forward.

It almost seemed like if I was able to point to all the things stacked up against me, I wouldn't be such a failure if it all went wrong. I couldn't be held responsible.

But the truth is, God doesn't expect me to not have some queezy, can-I-really-do-this feelings. But He does expect me to move forward anyway.

Right after the Lord commanded people in Joshua to be courageous and strong, he also said,

"For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go"

So, I want to start making it a habit of accepting my scared feelings as normal,

Not pointing to everything that could potentially go wrong,

And walk forward in the face of it all anyway.

Because He gets that I'm a scaredy-cat. But He also reminds me He's with me.

So grab His hand the next time you're scared...and walk anyway.

xoxo,

mp

The Unchanging In My Change

"The stationary, yet incomprehensible constant. You cannot change, yet You change everything. You are never new, yet never old. But You make all things new."

-The Confessions of St. Augustine

I recently started reading The Confessions of St. Augustine. St. Augustine was a writer of theological works, his life span from 354-430. Why chose to read works from such an 'old man'? Nothing is new under the sun. I had a desire to read about revelations or insights or God's work from awhile ago. I think I need to be reminded of how big He is and how long He has been doing what He has been doing. I wanted to also gain wisdom from people awhile ago. Sometimes, exposing yourself to perspectives only within a certain season gives you a limited scope. What was this man struggling with back then? What were his sins? How did he approach God? What was God like then?
I think the truth is, St. Augustine sat in a room wondering how He got where He was, too.
He asked God for help to love his Creator just like the rest of us when our fire grows cold.
I'm sure at times He tried to earn grace.
And He, too, was frustrated with His limitations and sinful nature.

But it's so refreshing to see that God has always been and will always be exactly the same.

So, as sort of an ode to St. Augustine...

Thank you, Jesus.

I want so much, but can give back so little.

I make promises, just to muscle through them and fail.

I'm reminded of truth, only to forget not long after.

I hear your whispers, only to block out your voice.

I'm stilled, and then I pick back up anxiety.

I'm washed clean, to roll back around in dirt.

My hears cries out, only to be hardened again.

Tears fall, fortresses go back up.

But You, Lord, stay the same through the ages.

I'm so grateful that it's impossible to do this life with Him through my own strength.

I'm breathless when I realize His love for people who can't seem to get it together.

And I've fallen in love with a God I so easily fall out of love with.

Because, He will never change.

No matter how many times I do.

Ephesians 6:8 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--"

When you feel out of love or distance seems like home,

When you just came seem to pull it together,

When you thrash about in your heart's changing nature,
When you've found yourself back to what you ran away from,

When you've failed more times than you care to think about...

He will always finish what He starts in You.

After all, God is not surprised by our failures.

But He is a jealous and determined God.

xoxo,

mp

For His Glory (The Worst of Sinners)

-Quick Journal Sketch by William Head:)

Yesterday, William and I got to church early. We were suppose to have a membership meeting but it got canceled. Instead, we got a chance to sit while they practiced worship. I started to just flip through the highlighted sections of my bible and read out scripture to both of us. While listening, William sketched me. Afterwards during worship, I was so filled with thanksgiving. First, for realizing I was sitting in a place of worship with a man who is the promise of God fulfilled in my life, realizing God has given me all the desires of my heart (I mean, a man who wants to sketch you and listen to the Word of God read out loud?!)

 I feel like God in a rush of an instant went through the story of His love for me so far. Rapidly, snapshots and images ran through my head of different time frames of my life, seasons, and moments with the Lord. Afterwards, God had me sit down during worship and write the following:

"1 Timothy 1:16 'But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on Him and receive eternal life.' Jesus, as I reflect on my life, I can't believe how true what you said in the darkness with me really is. When I was spinning in circles, confused, lost, and really bruised...You began the work in me. You slowly began bandaging me up. You began whispering to the places deep inside me. 

It was dark...but You spoke light.

You slowly increased light, gently revived my heart, gave me hope, and brought me to life. You stripped me down and ripped out the entangling weeds around my heart and spirit. You brought me into covering, a place of community, of discipleship, of structure and of safety. But only after our time together. You spoke to areas that hurt the most and You proved yourself trustworthy with my hurting heart. You slowly showed me I could stop running and that I could let go.

You reconstructed the identity I thought I had...or the one I didn't yet have and set it on a solid and unmovable rock.

I didn't believe I could be made whole, let alone brought into a spacious and peaceful place. You gave me hope and trained me to believe in things unseen. You taught me about batting, about perseverance, about Your Fathership and Leadership. You brought to me a mentor and friend who walked with me through the hardest times and gave me wisdom and tools to fight. You tore down my entire old house and build a new one from the group up. And in the right time and not a moment too soon or late...you brought me him. William. Only after discipleship, after I had routine, after I was surrounded by good community, and after healing. You brought me to the farthest place I could go and you knew we would be able to take each other to other places we couldn't without each other. 

And now I am settled. I have victory in the battle with emotions and with the past and with hurt and with sin. I have structure. I have safety. I have an identity in You. I have support and love. I know what brings me life and what brings death. I've stopped running from what You wanted to accomplish in me and I let you do what needed to be done. And all along the way I kept crying out, "Jesus, don't give up on me." as I stumbled and fell and got back up again.

And now, it's calm. Peaceful. Quiet.

And I have a teammate to hold hands with and walk into this next season.

Thank You. For pushing me forward when I didn't think I could take one more step. For giving me strength to persevere when I couldn't imagine my heart bearing a single ounce more.

You made me whole and you now are refining me.

And the best part, the most valuable lesson I got from all of this...You did this because You delight in me. And most importantly, 

You did this for everyone else coming behind me. 

For Your glory, for others. That I may speak with power to the same areas in others hearts. Because I have victory in those places. Because there were no short cuts taken. Because I know by testimony and tears the power of your resurrecting love and faithfulness.

Thank you. I can only show You thanks with my worship. With my life. Dedicated to you.

So use me. I'll say yes. Never let me go."

You see, my story of coming to know the Lord was not a quick and radical change from the way I was. It was a slow, painstakingly slow, process of becoming consecrated to the Lord. And He was patient. And He was faithful to His promises.

Recently, I revisted my old church. The place I got saved at, the place where it began. One of the members there kept looking at me, almost confused about what it was that was different. He just kept saying "You have matured, Meg somethings different. You're mature". I could tell he kept looking on, kept pondering what it was that seemed different than the last time he saw me.

Later on that day, a friend I visited with texted me this:

"He kept saying you have matured. But I think you are now whole"

God will finish the work that He started in you.

And He will use it for His glory.

xoxo,

mp