Carrying You and It

“Come, Mr. Frodo!” he cried. “I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you and it is as well.” (from The Return of the King by JRR Tolkien)

For anyone who has ever FELT a certain way that seemed real but wasn't.
For anyone who questioned whether Jesus had temporarily left their side.
For anyone in the middle of swarming thoughts and emotions.
I will look like a crazy fool in this journey if it means you know you are not crazy...
(Ephesians 4:25  "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.")

I recently had another "Wave Night". I haven't had one of those in a long time. Wave nights are characterized by huge, tsunami floods of emotion; too strong to think logically.
It's funny. Thoughts and emotions are a powerful thing. They steer your actions and they have the ability to control your entire mood and person if you let them. But they are not real. And one of the best things you can do for yourself is learn how to control thoughts and emotions. Or you'll spin.

In the past, these left me paralyzed and sent me for a spin.

Now, they still have a powerful effect....but this time I know truth a little better.
I know some foundational things that used to be shaken before but can't be shaken now; God is for me, God is good, and God is in control.

So the other night, as this flood I had thought I would never have to swim in again...came rushing into my bedroom all I could do was say,

"This is not real and I'm OK"

Now, to those of you who don't have these emotional episodes...this sounds crazy and melodramatic.

But in the moment, although I am a fairly logical, intelligent, independent woman...these are the most terrifying and real moments.

The difference with this time was that although it FELT real in the moment, I remembered the deception from before.
It smelled like real, it tasted like real, it felt like real...but it wasn't.

So I said over and over out loud (like a crazy woman)

this is not real and I'm OK.

I wrote it on post-it notes on my wall through tears, "This is not real and I'm OK"

And as I said it, I felt the Lord saying to me....

"It is in moments like these that you either you believe I am with you and I never leave you or you don't"

And this is truth. Hebrews declares it,

"I will never leave you nor forsake you"

Hebrews 13:5

Just because I felt totally abandoned and alone in this emotional flood of a fight for that moment, I wasn't.

Just because it seemed that if He was there it wouldn't be like this, He was there...and it was like this.

But I really do believe He sat by my side on my bed that night...holding my hand and walking me through it.

Because He is proud of me (and you).

Because He is in control.

And I'm sure it hurts His heart to see me like that more than it hurt me that night.

I still have so much to learn.

About being selfless.

About not being perfect.

About controlling thoughts.
About controlling attitude.

About being more like Jesus and less like me.

About being secure in love and resting in grace.

So much so that it's overwhelming.

But I have learned something really important through nights like those and the time in between, something more important than any other lesson we learn; God is for us, He is good, He never leaves us, He never forsakes us, and He is in control.

So even though He can't carry the thing for me, He can carry me with all of the stuff I'm holding.

xoxo,

mp

 But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him.

2 Corinthians 2:14

I'd Rather Be Fighting

"I was going to say I wished we'd never come. But I don't, I don't. Even if we are killed. I'd rather be killed fighting for Narnia than grow old and stupid at home and perhaps go about in a bathchair and then die in the end just the same" The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis, pg 96

I'm coming to an end in my Chronicles of Narnia time.
I'm on the last, and one of the best books, The Last Battle.
Pole, Eustace, Tirian, Puzzle, and Jewel are on the verge of one of the biggest battles they will have to face. Pole and Eustace choose not to leave Narnia at this crucial moment but to fight in a battle they very well might die in. It's at this time of self-sacrifice and total war for the goodness of Narnia that they begin to question if they should have stayed.
If turning around might have been the wiser choice.
And then Pole says the above quote, stopping me dead in my tracks as I read.
And it really touched me. I kept reading this part over and over again.
And I think it's because I understand this sentiment.
Sometimes, in this all out war for our destinys and small to large battles, you question whether or not you were crazy for deciding to do this thing. If maybe going back wasn't the better option. If the shortcut or the easier way may turn out just as well. If really the death of self, sacrifice, uprooting, pain, and overall yuckiness of doing the 'right thing' is really worth it.
And in many moments, it's not an easy answer.

But right now, I am in a season of rejoicing.
I'm glad I didn't give up all the times I felt like giving up. I'm glad Jesus never gave up, more importantly. I'm glad that He is long-suffering. 

Because if I had to do any of it all over again, I would. Every minute and every tear.

This week I have been so overwhelmed when I think about the past 10 years;

What has happened in that short amount of time, How much He refused to give up on me in my stubborn unwillingness to let Him be my Father, learning what His love really looks like, and also some of the painful (at the time) costs of the choice to follow Him.

Although in the moment, sometimes, it can feel like you want to walk away or that a different way of living would be easier...there is nowhere else you'd rather be than right here, where you are with Him, as His son or daughter.

No one said it would be easy all the time.
They just said it would be worth it. (and it is)

Every time He won't move when I throw a tantrum
Every unsuccessful try at manipulating,
Every moment I can't see clearly,
Every little sacrifice He calls me to make,
Every time I choose obedience or the harder road,
Every sad or lonely moment,
Every battle that seems unbeatable,
Every deep rooted weed that's pulled up out of my heart...
I'm remembering....I'd do it again and again.
Even if that means a thousand deaths to the things I thought I wanted alive.

Because the fruits of the things He asks of us, as unpleasant in the moment as they seem, really do matter and have lasting repercussions in our lives (and for the generation that is following us).
What I'm doing is about more than my 85 years. It's about my kids. It's about people around me.
It's about saying Yes to a God who said yes to me before I even knew what all of that meant.

So in the moments when it's scary and you are on the forefront of battles,
Or in the moments He is calling you to some sacrifice or trial that seems too great,
When you're about to say you wish you didn't come,
Remember you'd rather be fighting than dying in that bathchair without ever really conquering those battles.
After all, if you're going to die in the end just the same,
You might as well die for Narnia.

xoxo,
mp