In The Now

She thought to herself, "This is now."

She was glad that the cozy house, and Pa and Ma and the firelight and the music, were now. They could not be forgotten, she thought, because now is now. It can never be a long time ago. (From Little House In The Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder)

I'm getting married in 24 days. 

Wait, I just need to say that again....

I'm getting married in 24 days.

I have thought about re-reading through many of my blog posts on Hephzibah. After all, I began posting in the middle of storms, fire, and tears.  And when I think back to the nights I was scared, I was fighting, and Jesus was whispering promises in my ear, I realize now... it really was worth it.

Here I am, looking at promises breathe on me years before it could ever seem possible.

Here I am, reflecting back on every move He made and intricate weave He weaved to get me here.

...and it really moves me.

This is now. It's not perfect, I wish I had come further, it was a messy (but beautiful) journey to this point, but there's nowhere else I'd rather be than in this very moment of now.

I am content.

And not because everything has gone perfectly or even because I have disillusionment of perfection.

I am content because I'm where I'm suppose to be. And because I have gotten the smallest glimpse of the faithfulness, protection, and guidance of my Creator. Because I have heard Him say things that have come to pass. And I have seen Him push me to walk on water that actually held me up. I have seen Him be who He said He was and do what He said He'd do. I have watched my heart slowly and painfully be changed and my life radically lifted up, knocked around, and set back on solid ground.

And I pray I would remember this.

That I would apply this truth and experience to every other that comes my way.

The Israelites forgot and I probably will do.

But the Word says to mark down guideposts and road signs. And I pray that in the middle of fear or worry or sadness to come I would read this post and every other I have posted and see, without a doubt, the magnificent hand of God resting over my every moment.

But for now, now is now. And I'm glad to be in it.

xoxo,

mp

Toilet Water

For the waywardness of the naive will kill them. And the complacency of fools will destroy them^. But he who listens to me shall live securely and will be at ease from the dread of evil.

Proverbs 1:32-33

  

I forget the same lessons I have learned over and over again.
Let me give you an example; a cheeseburger and french fries.
I'm really big on the "idea" of things but not so much the outcome. Haven't you found that the idea of eating a juicy cheeseburger with crispy (on the outside, mushy on the inside, of course) french fries with a cold soda is appealing. However, once it's floating through your system, leaving your system, and attaching it's unwanted components to your under arms and belly, you realize it wasn't actually that great of an idea.
How many times am I going to give myself a stomach ache at Five Guys?

This goes for lots of things. And the Kingdom of God is no exception.
What is it about us that compels every molecule in our being towards sin?
The outcomes are much more than belly aches.
They are heart wrenching, soul eating, life killing. And they separate us from the only good, perfect, holy,  and peace-giving Man that has ever lived.

Gary Thomas in "Thirsting For God" put it this way,
"When we sin as it really is-offensive to God who created and saved us, and a personal slow suicide-the moral calling of Christianity takes on a whole new light".
 William Law said, "Surely it can be no uncomfortable state of life to be rescued by religion from such self-murder and to be rendered capable of eternal happiness".

Slow suicide? Self-murder?
Why do we run towards this?
It's not as if He's asking you to trade good things you have found on your own for some rotting, terrible things He has for you.
He wants to give you GOOD.
The word says, NO good thing does He withhold from He whose walk is blameless.
No. good. thing.

I used to always use a particular analogy when I was a part of this Christian college group during undergrad. It was about different types of water.
I constantly shared how I felt like I always ended up

drinking toilet water instead of living water that Jesus was giving me....

And four years later, I'm doing the same thing.
Going around some of the same mountains.
Forgetting the same, hard-learned lessons.

Can anyone relate to this?
Our constant, ravenous, sin thirsting nature.
It's enough to make me want to scream.

And that's just where I am at right now.
Ready to scream.
But there is a thirst that is stronger and more compelling than anything sin promises us.
The thirst for peace, for relationship with the God of the universe, the desire to have purpose, to belong, to be loved, and to have wisdom.
And it will come when we get sick enough of the belly ache.

And can I be perfectly honest? (thanks) I know, in part, what this is all about.
I feel a pull of God, and have for a long time, into leadership.
Into the things He whispered to me a long time ago.
The seeds He planted deep within my heart.
Those same seeds have sprouted into very deep desires.

But frankly, I'm not ready. He keeps showing me that until I can stand up to these giants (which really means abiding in Him and leaning on His strength), I will always fall.
And God has got to make sure I can stand. Because when He puts me in the places He has planned for me to stand, I can't be falling and squirming at every desirable or delicious scent placed before me.
I have to be disciplined.
Alert.

1 Peter 5:8 instructs and warns us of this very thing.

"Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. "

How can I lead people to His feet, truth, and power if I am being devoured myself.
I can't.
And so, we go around the same mountains, as many times as it takes, until I learn.

And I can't rush it. And I certainly can't fake it.

But I can rest in the fact that He will have His perfect way in me

Philippians 1:6 "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus"

I will, at some point, stop kicking and screaming and grabbing at every perverted version of the good things that Jesus Christ heaved, bled, and gasped His last breath on the cross for me to have.

Here is the reality, Megan (and every other stubborn, stiff necked child of God)...
I will never be happy if I am not staring into the blazing eyes of Jesus instead of sipping the stagnant toilet bowl water.
I have training to undergo.
Lessons to learn.
About grace, about pride, about lust, about patience.
And I need every single one of those fruits of the Spirit if I am to stand in the storms and waves that come with being a leader in the Kingdom.

Jesus, bring on the living water and wash me clean.
Restore what has always been rightfully Yours.
Teach me how to walk, how to sing, how to fight.

So, let's go back to the last place we remember seeing the fiery eyes of Jesus.
And let's look into them until all the other things fade out.
No matter how much it asks of us.
Or what we have to "give up".
Or how uncomfortable it makes us.

I cannot go on another day in these dry bones.

 Here's to the right kind of water,

mp

Even At My Best

"For what am I without You but a guide who would lead myself to my own downfall? Even at my best, I am only an infant sucking in Your milk and devouring eternal food from Your hand."

-The Confessions of St. Augustine

What a picture this brings to mind. Slightly pathetic if we were to be honest.  Infants, without any way of feeding or helping ourselves, fully reliant on His provision for even our basic survival need; nourishment. 

This seems to be a theme lately. Recently a really close friend came for a day visit. We had a great time of catching up in the backyard, sharing stories and struggles, great new songs to encourage the other, and recent things that have ignited us. She mentioned something that, in honesty, made me feel a lot better. She said, 

"If we were to be honest, we are at our core a being that hates God and wants to be God"

This is sort of jarring, right? We want to always say how much we love Him. How much we desire His presence. How much we were made to worship. And this is all true. But is a decision. Naturally, if not for His Spirit willing us and our own meek 'yes', we would remain despising Him. Afterall, the very same desire of the enemy started this whole mess. And look where it got him. Doesn't it make sense satan would desire the same wicked feelings to rise up inside us, too?

I don't know about you but this actually is a relief. Maybe I'm not so alone when I realize how much I do not want to spend time with the most perfect, loving, holy God. Maybe it's not just me that gets jealous and angry I cannot guide myself and keep myself from harm. Maybe others wish, too, that they had wisdom and understanding without so much darn assistance.

The quote by Augustine really helps me visualize the reality of my position before Him. A child can never dress themselves, work at a job that pays, budget according, hop in the car they paid for, and buy some lunch from Wegmans. Instead, all they know is the hunger pain reminding them of a space that requires filling. Without any real understanding of what it took to bring that milk or food to their lips. 

And the most beautiful part? God doesn't always need you to understand. He just needs you to stop starving yourself of the very thing you so desperately desire and need while you to work out some futile plan that will enable you to provide for yourself. 

And that's where I'm at. After months of forgetting again of my position before Him, I feel almost like dry bones. So I've been coming back to His lap, opening my mouth, and receiving the nourishment. I'm calling it "Operation Dry Bone Revival". Ha!

So when you get tired of your metaphoric plan to get yourself to Wegmans, hop unto His lap.

The foods getting cold.

Xoxo,

mp

In Need of Reminders

 

(Source)

Some mornings you just need to be reminded that God doesn't give up on you, even when you want to give up on you. When you feel like you are still a little baby believer. One who can't seem to stop squirming, can't seem to shake off the selfishness, can't seem to stop getting distracted. You see, it's been probably 4 days since I really sat with Him, in His presence. I talk about Him a lot, I think about Him a lot...but I haven't talked TO HIM. How strange is that? What if we did that with our spouses and friends? And in honesty, this has affected me. This constant inconsistency in relationship with Him has affected my spirit, my attitude, my heart.

So, in the middle of my discouragement, William reminded me of truth.
He challenged me, corrected me.
That I NEED to make this a priority.
Thank God for people walking with us in life.

What a more reputable source to go to for confirmation than the Word of God. This morning, if anyone is in need like I am, take a look into 2 Samuel 7 & 8. I want to be reminded of what it says here:

I took you from the pasture, from following the sheep...I have been with you wherever you have gone and have cut off all your enemies from before you; and I will make you a great name, like the names of the great men who are on the earth. I will also appoint a place...and will plant (you) that (you) may live in your own place and not be disturbed again, nor will the wicked afflict (you) anymore as formerly"

• "I will be a father to (you) and you will be a son to me. When (you) commit iniquity, I will correct (you) with the rod of men and the strokes of the sons of men, but my loving-kindness shall not depart from (you)" 2 Samuel 7:14
• "Again what more can (I) say to You? For You know Your servant, O Lord God! For the sake of Your word and according to Your own heart You have done all this greatness to let Your servant know. For this reason You are great, O Lord God; for there is none like You, and there is no God besides You, according to all that we have heard with our ears" 2 Samuel 7:20-22
• "And the Lord helped (me) wherever (I) went 2 Samuel 8:6 & 14

Someday I will not utilitze this relationship with you Jesus whenever it is just convenient for me.
Someday I will stop making you my "genie"
Someday I will stop making it all about me.

Until then,
and for reasons that seem unfathonable to me....
You will not depart from me or give up on me.
Even when I do.

Be reminded this morning that He doesn't stop walking alongside you.
And that nothing can separate. 
Even when we get "a little" off course.

xoxo,
mp 

Death & Dying

I am a huge Woody Allen fan. If you don’t know who he is, he looks like this. Scrawny, old, unabashedly unattractive, and super narcissistic.
 But he makes great films. In fact, one of my favorite films he has done is “Annie Hall”.
If you know Woody (apparently Im acting as if we are personally acquainted) you know that not only is he a Jewish atheist, but he is also both obsessed and terrified of death.
Morbidly so.
It shows up in all of his films.

There’s this scene inside Annie Hall where she is moving out of their apartment and they are trying to figure out how to separate their stuff. She says, “Now look, all the books on death and dying are yours and all the poetry books are mine.

Alas, the title was born.

I am no Jedi Ninja Knight when it comes to walking with the Lord.

In fact, most times...

I’m messy, I’m sloppy, and sometimes I picture myself like the Tazmanian Devil whirling around and knocking everything (that so rudely put itself on my path) down to the ground.

It is in our nature to be selfish.

And to not know how to love right.

There’s a passage that is heard over and over again. Believers and nonbelievers quote this. 1 cor 13.  Love And Galatians 5. Fruit of the spirit. 

A lot of my life I used to sigh when I had to hear it. Sigh.

Literally irritated.
And for awhile I didn’t know why. But I think I do now.

I need practical steps and 1 Corinthians 13 alone cannot get you there.

It is like having ingredients with no recipe for instructions.

Because this isn’t easy when played out in real life.

Its not like if I was to say to you you need an egg, mustard, salt, and mayonnaise.

You would just know how to whip up egg salad.

That’s like a biblical principal of sowing and reaping.

Put in  X to reap something of value.

-time

-money

-etc

To me, that’s not as difficult.

But when we’re dealing with our sin nature, that’s different.

Let me put it this way, say I was to give you a list of ingredients without any directions: (Pretend you don't see cream cheese and graham crackers :)

• 8oz cream cheese
• 14 oz condense milk
• 1 egg
• lemon juice
• raspberries
• cornstock
• graham crackers

What do you think it is?

If I didn’t have directions for this, I would be quickly whipping up the worlds fattiest and most calorically dense milkshake in our history.

It’s a cheesecake. And the most complicated cheese cake my friend Chrissy Baxter's mother has ever given me.

The truth is, I copied down the list of ingredients one day at their house and confidently assumed that with my experience as a baker & cook paired with my determination, I could do it without instructions. Mostly, I was lazy.

And first Corinthians 13 & Galatians 5 are only the ingredients. Sure, the rest of the bible has some more instructions, but this scripture can never tell us how to get there, only what we need.

1 Corinthians 13 says love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Galatians 5 says But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control

Can I give you the key directions? DEATH.

I like things laid out for me with examples. And so I like looking at these ingredients and pairing with them some solid, shameful examples.

1-Patient: when we are running late to small group on a Friday night and William head takes 15 minuts to perfectly tie his shoe, then brush off the car (when I would just blast the heat immediantely, peel out of the driveway, and hope for the best----story about wiper fluids), then drive exactly the speed limit all the way there, never going through any yellow lights, looking both ways 7 times, letting people go in front of him, actually stopping at stop signs, and then safely arriving 30 minutes late only to then take another 5 parallel parking with a minimum of 6 adjustments so we can be 12 inches from the curb exactly.

Death means not saying something. Death means not thinking what you want to be thinking. Death means not trying to take control.

3-Envy: when everyone around me at the coffee shop job talks about their picture perfect engagement stories, subsequent and set in stone wedding dates, and all of their perfect pintrest plans. Behind my (not so convincing) smile my brain is frantically counting the number of days, even seconds, William and I have been dating longer. 
Goodness.
 

Paul paints a very violent picture of what death looks like in these times. 

Of  beating our bodies to make it a slave to Christ.

If you’re like me you’re gonna be thinking:

Too hard? Too tired to do it? Too hopeless?

It's not by might nor by power.

Let me take you to the alternative; The "Hot Mess in Galatians":

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

If you're anything like me it is much easier to relate to some of these.

Selfishness.

Putting something before God.

Impure motives thoughts or actions.

Jealousy.

Anger.

But we do have a way to kill off and starve those things. And to sow and reap the others.
Death.

I think it’s important, since I began this little diddy with Woody Allen to end with him.

Woody Allen has made 40 movies as a Actor, 64 as a Writer, and 45 as a Director.

Many were good movies. 

Some were great. 

.......Most were terrible.

 

The reason he had so much success is because he kept trying.

When you are drowning and you are cuddle up next to your last moments…do you know what our bodies reaction is?

We breathe. 

They say that as a person realizes they are drowning, there’s often a large amount of panic. 

This leads to rapid movements and expending a lot of energy, which requires more oxygen.

How do we as completely capable, competent, problem-solving drowners solve this? We take a big gulp of water; knee-jerk-operation-stay-alive-reaction.

Here we are, clearly surrounded by water. Sometimes salt. Sometimes full of Nemo poo…and against all rational thought, in the aggressive fight for our self preservation on this earth… we will open up our lungs which have been made solely for oxygen…and breath in a huge gulp of water.

Why do I say this?

Two parts

1- You may set your heart to dying. You may know conceptually that this is right. You may even feel the Holy Spirit piercing every selfish and fleshly crevice of your being.

But as you die, it will hurt. And you may change your mind. Change it back.

2- If you don’t die on your own, you will end up dying anyway.

When you try and save yourself from the pain of dying, God will have His way in you eventually anyway. Try taking a gulp of water and see how effectively that saves you. It will just be more painful.

So like Woody Allen, some days you’ll make great movies.

Some days will just be OK movies.

But some days you will make terrible movies.

Get up every single time.

And try again.

Die again.

 try again.

xoxo,

mp

Mind 'Yo Business

 

Source 

I recently started reading 1 Samuel. Besides the sobering reality that finishing a race is more important than starting it with zeal, one thing stuck out to me:

Samuel minded his business when everyone was a hot mess around him.

Let me show you what I mean. 

Hannah is totally infertile and having to share a man with another woman.

That's drama.

The sons of Eli were worthless and corrupt.

That's frustrating. And infuriating.

I would want to inform them of all their wrongdoings.

That's meddling in other people's business.

Eli didn't talk to his sons or discipline then early enough.

That's like being around a friend who's kids are brats.

I'd want to say something.

This is what scripture tells us Samuel was doing throughout all of this mess:

1. "But the boy ministered to the Lord before Eli and the priest" 1 Samuel 2:11
2. "Now Samuel was ministering before the Lord" 1 Samuel 2:18
3. Now the boy Samuel was growing in stature and in favor both with the Lord and with men"      1 Samuel 2:26

Over and over again these little sentences keep popping up throughout all the drama, sin, and mess in 1Samuel. And it really stood out to me.

1 Thessalonians 4:11 says, "Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands, just as we instructed you before."

Sometimes I think we have a habit of meddling in other people's business.

To inform them of what they should do.

To talk about drama happening around us.

But perhaps, if we worry about ourselves, just continually seek the Lord and get in the quiet place with Him daily, we will not be distracted from everyday junk.

1 Timothy 2:4 says, "No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier."

After all, this is a battle.
And we are soldiers.
So I keep hearing:

"Meg, mind 'yo business"

Here's to minding our own business.

Happy training...

xoxo,

mp

The Times Between

While I do not feel the heaviness of all that is adulthood recently, I wanted to share this little diddy I wrote anyway. To show that there are ebbs and flows. To show that the Lord is faithful to restore joy and peace and take away our burdens. Hebrews was right, There is hope that is the anchor for our soul. And joy does come in the morning. 
So, don't lose yourself in the moments of hopelessness.
Take captive your thoughts.
And lay it at His feet.
I can honestly say that right now, although no requirement of life for me has changed-my attitude and heart have. 
I will not be a person of negativity.
I will control what I think about. It will be what's pure and noble and praiseworty.
I will be a light. Not a miserable, doom-n-gloomer.
But only when I hide in His presence.
Stay in His word.
And talk to the one who is fully God and fully man.
The man who understands what it means to be in battle daily.
And I will be trained. And I will learn. And I will grow. And I will love.
        

 The Times Between

Meg Passarell

These times I cherish,

When lightning in my brain stops striking, electricity firing.

When the day's demands let me rest for a moment or two.

Working out.

Hands up, hands down. Abs clenched. Arms as heavy iron.

Acid built up, soreness creeps in.

But thoughts? None.

The few moments before the fog of sleep engulfs me,

Into my sheets and into another world.

But thoughts? None.

We are robots recharging.

These are the times I cherish.

So let me rest for a moment in between moments.

Let the oil stay unchanged.

The peppers molded.

Let the hair keep itself in the drain.
The crumb in the corner.

Let the shampoo and tofu scream out they are at the ends of themselves.

Let the wrinkles be happy they have made their home in fabric on my (unswept) floor.

While I breathe in and out...

And lift my legs to Ellen Barrett.

So let your worries be laid at His feet.

Because there is only this moment.
And moments have no mercy,

they are fleeting.

I want to be present for all of them. Fully. And with power.

(Ellen Barret is a Pilates video instructor) :O)

xoxo,

mp