Hephzibah. Flight.: Intents and Purposes

"I think I can read most things, Miss Honey," Matilda said, "although I'm afraid I can't always understand the meanings." (from Matilda by Roald Dahl

This is how I feel this morning.

I've mislabeled or at least misunderstood in full a feeling I have been having.
And really, I've only begun to understand it.
There has been this bubbling up inside of me, this internal nagging.
It rests as an undercurrent, pulling with it emotions, actions, attitudes, and decisions.
But sometimes it rises up into a full wave.

And until this morning I haven't been able to quite put my finger on it.
(Thanks to a wonderful lunch with my friend and mentor who seems to always bring with her pinpoint accuracy and clarity)
I thought I understood it to be one thing when in fact it's much more specific.

Just 2 weeks ago I met with a friend and she said,
"Meg, you just seem...aggravated".
And that was the perfect word for it. But aggravated about what?
I am for all intents and purposes a well adjusted, successful, emotionally and physically healthy young adult.
And discontent? With what?

These feelings have been bothering me for some time now, only made more intense by such writings of David Foster Wallace as this:

"It's the automatic, unconscious way that I experience the boring, frustrating, crowded parts of adult life when I'm operating on the automatic, unconscious belief that I am the center of the world and that my immediate needs and feelings are what should determine the world's priorities."

Discontent. Aggravated.

I thought it was just my own aggravation at the complacency of life, at the selfishness we all battle inside of us, at the rooted desire to be the center of the universe.
But it's so much more specific than that.

All these things are true and I'm discovering are the general reasons for the aggravation and discontent but really, they arise from this specific life mission:

My life, my struggles, my choices and my purpose have never been about me. There is a generation that is looking to the ones who have gone before them. There are young woman who with just one person's intentional investment will become more than I ever dreamed of becoming. And if I sit in my room, soaking up all that I've learned and proud of myself for all that I have conquered, than that's where it ends; me in my room.

And what's the point of that? Me in my room? What's the point of all the things I do and want to learn about if that's where the story ends? So, I know a lot of interesting things...for what? So, I've learned how to brew coffee in 7 different methods and can explain to you the basic compound structures of the bean-why? I know the best places for hiking-why? I've skydived-why? I'm creating interesting projects that act as creative outlets-why? I'm tackling tough questions about life....for what? Of course enjoying life, always learning, always figuring things out is important; it's how I function. But sometimes, I think we do it to satisfy something deeper inside of us.

See, where I went wrong was thinking this discontent I was wrestling with was just about adult life and being less selfish on a daily basis and fighting the routine we get seduced into. And while that is a very real part of the battle, what I'm beginning to understand is that this feeling inside of me is the desire to
p

All of my strengths.

All of my lessons.

All of my time.

All of my heart.

(Whatever that amounts to)

Because I've had time to figure out who Meg is. And I've had time to conquer some very real battles.

And He's been faithful to me. But it wasn't FOR me. It was for them.

And if I sit at this crossroad and continue to think I'm not ready or good enough...then I'll always be sitting here. Many people are still sitting here.

But I can't pretend that the eyes of beautiful, intelligent, young woman are not looking at me. I can't pretend they don't watch my life and are not waiting for the moment I will turn around and look back at them. These same young woman are the girls who are battling what I have battled, who are discovering what I have discovered, who are fighting what I have fought...and who need someone to intentionally come alongside of them and decide to help them along the way.

And it's not easy. And it won't be immediate. And it won't always be fulfilling in that moment.
And I'm sure many alternative options will be much more appealing from time to time.

I realize the seeds and ground work needed for this don't reap results immediately like other things do but that in 10-15 years there will be something to speak to my purpose and time like other things can't.
And honestly, the stakes are too high for me not to.

And I'll never feel ready or good enough. We'll never be ready or good enough.

But what I do know to be true:

I am a 25 year old woman.

I have a desire to see the next generation of young people have life breathed into them.

To see them have guidance and support.

To provide them with a woman ready to battle with them the attacks against their worth and beauty.

To hold their hand through confusing forests of questions and distractions.

And to remind them of the power that's in their life and decisions.

Because shortly, there will be younger girls and boys looking at them.

And I remember what it was like not having guidance. I remember what it took to win the fights.

I remember the Lord battling for me. I remember the power in the words of someone I looked up to.

After all, what's all this about?

Eventually, I will be 65 with the majority of my life behind me.

And just being kind daily and reminding myself, this is water isn't enough.

Just choosing how to think right and sending positive texts now and then isn't enough.

But if I planted seeds and worked the ground, as unglamorous as it was at the time-

there will be fruit to look at and feel proud of.

But if I sat instead as years swirled by me...I will end up at some midlife crisis full of regret.

The right choices are normally the hardest.
Nothing is reaped right after it's sown.
And life can't be about you.
And frankly, I can't keep ignoring this current inside me.
So, I'm going to trust He will help me do this.
And that I'll mess up a bit along the way.
And I'm going to expect frustration and disappointment.
But at least I won't still be sitting at the crossroads waiting for something to happen to me.
Instead, I'll be sitting at a table across from a young woman who has waited for me to happen to her.

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