I'd Rather Be Fighting

"I was going to say I wished we'd never come. But I don't, I don't. Even if we are killed. I'd rather be killed fighting for Narnia than grow old and stupid at home and perhaps go about in a bathchair and then die in the end just the same" The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis, pg 96

I'm coming to an end in my Chronicles of Narnia time.
I'm on the last, and one of the best books, The Last Battle.
Pole, Eustace, Tirian, Puzzle, and Jewel are on the verge of one of the biggest battles they will have to face. Pole and Eustace choose not to leave Narnia at this crucial moment but to fight in a battle they very well might die in. It's at this time of self-sacrifice and total war for the goodness of Narnia that they begin to question if they should have stayed.
If turning around might have been the wiser choice.
And then Pole says the above quote, stopping me dead in my tracks as I read.
And it really touched me. I kept reading this part over and over again.
And I think it's because I understand this sentiment.
Sometimes, in this all out war for our destinys and small to large battles, you question whether or not you were crazy for deciding to do this thing. If maybe going back wasn't the better option. If the shortcut or the easier way may turn out just as well. If really the death of self, sacrifice, uprooting, pain, and overall yuckiness of doing the 'right thing' is really worth it.
And in many moments, it's not an easy answer.

But right now, I am in a season of rejoicing.
I'm glad I didn't give up all the times I felt like giving up. I'm glad Jesus never gave up, more importantly. I'm glad that He is long-suffering. 

Because if I had to do any of it all over again, I would. Every minute and every tear.

This week I have been so overwhelmed when I think about the past 10 years;

What has happened in that short amount of time, How much He refused to give up on me in my stubborn unwillingness to let Him be my Father, learning what His love really looks like, and also some of the painful (at the time) costs of the choice to follow Him.

Although in the moment, sometimes, it can feel like you want to walk away or that a different way of living would be easier...there is nowhere else you'd rather be than right here, where you are with Him, as His son or daughter.

No one said it would be easy all the time.
They just said it would be worth it. (and it is)

Every time He won't move when I throw a tantrum
Every unsuccessful try at manipulating,
Every moment I can't see clearly,
Every little sacrifice He calls me to make,
Every time I choose obedience or the harder road,
Every sad or lonely moment,
Every battle that seems unbeatable,
Every deep rooted weed that's pulled up out of my heart...
I'm remembering....I'd do it again and again.
Even if that means a thousand deaths to the things I thought I wanted alive.

Because the fruits of the things He asks of us, as unpleasant in the moment as they seem, really do matter and have lasting repercussions in our lives (and for the generation that is following us).
What I'm doing is about more than my 85 years. It's about my kids. It's about people around me.
It's about saying Yes to a God who said yes to me before I even knew what all of that meant.

So in the moments when it's scary and you are on the forefront of battles,
Or in the moments He is calling you to some sacrifice or trial that seems too great,
When you're about to say you wish you didn't come,
Remember you'd rather be fighting than dying in that bathchair without ever really conquering those battles.
After all, if you're going to die in the end just the same,
You might as well die for Narnia.

xoxo,
mp