If Not For Winter

Six weeks: now patches of ground
emerge from white fortresses.
How beautiful is the dirt
I took for granted. Extraordinary
the wild green of grass islands.

Having the world snatched
from us makes us grateful even
for fence posts, for wheelbarrow
rising, for the stalwart spears
of daffodil uncovered.

 "February ground" by Marge Piercy

Lately, I've been noticing that you can't appreciate in full the beauty or magnitude of something unless you're reminded of what it's like without it. Spring holds such power because of this; a new smell in the air, wind scented with promise, flower bursting from the ground. But if we lived in a perpetual state of Spring, would it lose it's magic? What is Spring if not for it's predecessor, Winter?

A few friends and I took a trip to Lake Augur in the Adirondacks over break. It was a great time to sit by the fireplace, read, spend time with Jesus, dance on frozen lakes, and catch up after post-college life has tried to swallow us whole. One thing that stands out; the stars. On the last night we were there a few of us drove by car out into the middle of the road down where there was an opening. It was chill-you-to-the-bone cold but we were determined. Once we got out of the car and looked up into the sky I was 1-In love with the incredible beauty of it all and 2-Pissed off (ha!). Once I soaked up all the beauty that is stars in the ADK...so clear, so shockingly clear, so beautiful...I felt cheated. Stars don't look like that in Rochester. I have settled for a perverted version of stars most of my life. And to make it worse, I know how they CAN look. I just always forget; getting lulled into mediocrity. But people in the ADK see these every night. Although hard for me to believe, I think a lot of them are used to their sky.

So, you can't seem to really appreciate Spring without Winter. And you can't really appreciate ADK stars without first being cheated by ROC stars. The beauty really lies in the absence.

And the same goes for my personal life as well lately.

I recently decided it would be a good idea to go off of a medicine I have been on since May.

This was the same medicine that managed to clear my head and keep me stable. Logical. Happy.

I became so used to that new type of normal I forgot what it was like before.

And then 7 days off of it....the old friend started to creep back in a bit.

And I was quickly reminded how I used to function. What I thought was just normal before was revealed for what it really is.

Now I know better. I know that's not normal. I have tasted what it could be like.

Funny, though, that in just 10 short months I had taken for granted this new type of normal.

I had forgotten what, in it's absence, my reality held.

This morning, I have a new appreciation for that normal.

For a brain that doesn't deal with 'Wave Nights".

For emotions that don't deceive you.

For moods that don't imprison you.

For stability.

For general happiness.
(SIDE NOTE: I am not advocating for wrecking your life or going off medicine you should be on to appreciate it more when you go back on it. Ha. I have specific reasons).

And honestly, this idea applies to everything.
To appreciating great boyfriends because of all the schmucks.
To fall in love with the juicy orange because of all the yucky dry ones.
To love toilet paper because of the weeks in Peru.
Etc, etc, etc....

I guess what I've been thinking about is pain.

And death of oneself.

And the inability to avoid the rough patches in life.

It's impossible to get by without facing certain things or going without.

And even if we could, it would mean a lifetime of not fully grasping that beauty.

The truth is, I want what He wants.

Whatever that costs.

Especially if that means I'm not lulled into a life coma.

Especially if that means I know what it's like to feel and to be alive.

Because there is beauty in transitions and in changing of seasons; even if it's not easier.

There's something in it that reminds us, 

"Stay awake. Don't fall asleep. Don't forget."

So the next time it feels like things are shaking, welcome it.

And when things are good, enjoy it.

But always remember the power of predecessors. 

Spring is nothing if not for Winter. 

xoxo,

mp

1 Peter 5:10 "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."