Number My Days

When did life start moving so fast?
It seems like just the other day I was playing soccer, having sleep overson my roof on State Street (remember when Sarah Fabry ran in her underwear down the street?) , and driving around in a '93 Plymouth Laser.
When did it change to 5am morning routines, staff meetings, and just waiting for the weekend?
I hate it admit it, but sometimes that's just what I do; wait for the weekend.
And I'm someone who loves my job.
What happens to my life, though, when I'm just waiting for weekend activities?
And where did the past 3 years go?

"Show me, O LORD, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life."
Psalm 39:4

Be patient with my rant but... I can't help but feel like perhaps it's a trance.
Maybe one of the most beautiful things about being in this season is forcing yourself to enjoy it all. All the grocery shopping, the laundry, the 5am mornings, etc.
Maybe by not having lots of time, we start to cherish the moments we have.
And why don't we have time?
Who swallowed time and burped up appointments and to-do lists?

Am I the only one who feels like it's impossible sometimes to balance this whole thing?
And still enjoy the sunsets?
And not forget about your grandma back home?
And not waste the entire week waiting for Saturday?

I want to snap out of this trance.
This trick.
This vacuum of favorite TV shows, facebook hours logged, and newest apps.
I want to shake things up in my world some days.
Enough to make me realize my days are numbered...and they were never about weekends.
I will someday be dying. And someday, it will matter what my Tuesday afternoon looked like.
Or how I handled a million little stressful moments with people I loved.
Or if I lay on a bathroom floor with a friend while she cried.
Or if I gossiped.
It will all matter.
I want to live a life worthy of my calling.

"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." Ephesians 4:1-5

And what is this gnawing sense of 'If only ____ then I'd be happy'.
This uneasy feeling that we are always heading towards something.
Rushing through yellow lights for it.
Bumping into people in Wegmans for it.
Not going to little kids birthday parties for it.
Violently spinning around in circles for it.
...when we've never even seen what 'it' is.
....I don't think there is an it.
I think it's part of this trance we can so easily succumb to.
And it's not even that busyness is bad.
But if I were to be honest, sometimes I'm not even enjoying where I'm at before I'm off to the next thing in my head.

And does anyone else ever feel the fight against selfishness?
The almost impossibility of living a life for other people?
When everything in your blood screams to live for you.

This entire culture is about being selfish, being impatient, rushing your days, envying your neighbor, and winning whatever race we all get thrown into.

And it'd be easy to move away to some other country. It'd be easy to convince ourselves that if we just get out of the United States, we'd be better human beings.
But I feel like Jesus is telling me that this is the best training ground.
And I can't muscle my way through it, I have to sit down with Him in the mornings...and let Him wash over me all the things I can't give myself. I have to let Him take from me all that I've grabbed unto the previous day. I have to ask to be cleansed from all the muck I've invited in.
And I have to function in a society that is contrary to truth.
Because, He wants to make sense of it all.

The truth is, my days are numbered.
And if I don't somehow get a hold of this truth...
I will spin in circles and budge people in lines for a moment that doesn't exist.
If I don't honor the month of my life spent at red lights,
Or how the rain rests on the leaves in the morning,
Or how there will always be laundry in my basket....I will miss what matters.

Spending time with the God who can make sense of all of this.
Writing a letter to a friend getting married soon.
Making small talk with the woman just as undecided on toothpaste as I am. (Because, let's get real folks-have you ever looked at the back? How do you decide? The ingredients seem the same and my golly they all claim to have different effects!)


Just the other day, I had a man named George from my Nissan Dealership drive me to my mom's work while my car was being worked on. We talked about his life, his choice to move to Rochester, his granddaughter who wanted him to paint her car pink, and KLOVE. Before I got out of the car I asked Him, "What wisdom would you give a 20 something year old trying to figure it out". I waiting in anticipation for his answer when he finally said, "There's nothing I can say that you'd hear. You'll figure it out. Just do the right thing over and over."


Not what I was expecting. But I don't even get that right on a daily basis.


What did the woman two years ago say when I asked her the same thing on a park bench? "The grass isn't always greener."


I don't get that right, either.


Jesus, wake me up from this trance.
Daily.
Teach me to die to myself.
Daily.
Help me love others above myself.
And teach me to number my days....
(Because they are flying by)
(And I can't always decide on my own what things to spend time on that will matter)
.