Well, it would do me no good to run away. There were other bears in the woods. I might meet one any time. I mights well deal with this one as with another.
(from Little House In The Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder)
I remember a time, not too far back, when all the things I was hoping for, fighting for, reaching towards were entirely unseen. Everything was shaking and uncertainty was the thick cloud I breathed. I remember feeling like a house, whose foundation was being ripped up and replaced. During reconstruction, everything seems scary.
I remember talking on the phone in the middle of the mess to a woman who very much is a mentor to me. She patiently reminded me of the truth and the progress that had been made even if I couldn't see a single step in front of me. I remember not being able to see, feeling totally hopeless, but knowing the only thing I could do was keep walking forward. I remember in that moment realizing what the scripture "hope in things unseen" meant and what it required. And I remember a decision I had to make; would I turn around after all this time and give up? Go back? Retreat? Or would I press forward, even though I was tired, even though I was doubting, even though I felt like I had reached my end.
I remember the Lord whispering to me about the joy in reaching the end of ourselves.
And so I kept moving. Because, what else could I do? If I stopped now, I'd never finish. And if I didn't get past this obstacle, it would only show it's face another time.
You know the feeling when you start deep cleaning and everything seems to be messier than when you started? Or when you are doing renovation and it feels like no order will ever come to that part of the house again? That was how I felt, and I was the house.
I was already in the middle of it. I had burned all the bridges and all the walls were already knocked down. Tons of energy, effort, and tears had lead me to the very place where I currently stood. Part of me knew, deep down, that what lay before me, as unseen and unsure as it seemed in that moment, had to be there.
So I kept walking.
And He kept uprooting.
And He kept fighting (for me).
And He kept whispering.
And He kept leading.
And slowly, (painfully slow) with my hand in His, He began to maneuver me around that deep forest I was in. Turning right when I thought it should be left, teaching me along the way, dodging potholes and unseen prickers, stopping to point out beautiful wildlife when I was in a rush to finish.
I didn't have a map, I didn't have the skills, I didn't even have the right shoes-but He lead me. And I think the end of myself is just what He was waiting for. Because as soon as I tired of trying and muscling my way through, as soon as I just let Him take my weak and weary hand, we were already out of the forest. And I didn't even realize I was out until He told me to take a look around. Suddenly, the familiars were gone. All those things I had assumed would always be there (the thoughts, the doubts, the fears, the habits, the mess)...were back in the woods. And there we were, standing together in a field, the sun shining, hand in hand.
"For this commandment which I command you this day is not too difficult for you nor is it far off" Deut 30:11
And I could tell He wasn't at all surprised. In fact, it was almost as if He was grinning with a "I told you so" type of smile.
"What I have said, that I will bring about. What I have planned, that I will do" Isaiah 46:11
He took roots that were so deep and ripped them out.
He transformed ways of thinking.
He changed patterns of behavior.
He washed away lies that I believed.
He instilled truth, joy, and peace that I didn't understand.
And all I had to do was say, in a weak and unsure voice, "ok".
I could still be standing back there where He asked me to give Him my hand.Or worse, I could have turned around and walked deeper.
But He said He was going to do it...long before I even knew how much there was to do.
And He did.
And as I'm looking to the new year, and thinking back on the past 2 years, I want to cry.
He really is who He says He is.
He really does what He says He'll do.
He really finishes what He starts.
And the impossible really is made possible with Him.
So if you are standing in the middle of a dark (and super scary) forest and are thinking of turning around remember that it would do no good to run away. You've come too far already. If it's not this thing, it'll be another. You might as well deal with this bear now.
xoxo,
mp
"But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?" Romans 8:24-25
"I burned the bridges, they can't be found. I paid my vows, no turning around. I am Yours. Whatever it feels like. Whatever it looks like. When I heard Your voice, when You said my name, my heart it yearned for You..."-Misty Edwards
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