One Little Seam After Another

It's just one little seam after another and you never seem to be getting anywhere. But of course I'd rather be Anne of Green Gables sewing patchwork than Anne of any other place with nothing to do but play. (from Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery)

This is how most of life can feel sometimes, just one seemingly insignificant seam after another. And many times, it doesn't seem like we've moved at all from the place we started. In fact, most times we wonder if we've gone backwards. But the truth is, all of that stitching matters. All the work put in has rippling consequences that we can't always see in the moment. But if we didn't start with those stitches, the whole piece would never get done. And as we plug away, sometimes getting pricked, sometimes having to pull a few out and start again, we begin to see the thing we are working on come together.

I feel like I've been given a respite lately, at least in part. I've even been accepting things about myself I used to want to change. I've stopped fighting the things that don't need to be fought. Even the other night, my friend Stacy said something so deliciously true in regards to my frustration at my manic tendencies or living too passionately/engaged,

"Meg, life is something you have to be involved in and some people just aren't. Maybe everyone else is wrong. Maybe you've got it right"

Now it's not about someone else being wrong and me being right. But, what if the thing about me that I was trying to fix didn't need to be fixed? What if I just am actively involved in life? Painfully passionate and intrinsically involved at times, but involved. Maybe I'd rather be that, with the downsides that come with it....than anyone else? Just like Montgomery said. Maybe I'd rather be Meg of East Rochester with all of the hot mess that comes with it than Anne of any other place with nothing to do but play (or be lulled asleep by adulthood/stability/rat races/people pleasing).

This year has been tough and challenging. Every day it seems there were mountainous obstacles; mostly within. Emotional waves, anxiety, fear, certain lies I kept repeating to myself about myself and just a general sense of unrest. (Of course this wasn't the entire year. A lot of it was incredible, too.) But, in all honesty, I was getting exhausted. It's tiring to always be fighting. To feel like you're never catching a break. 

But He was there every step of the way. He has been breathing thanksgiving into my heart. He has challenged me, molded me, refined me. And the unfortunate thing about it all, is you can't acquire what you need to acquire without the really lonely, frustrating, hopeless, seemingly meaningless nights of sadness or moments of anger. And I've learned some foundational principles and facts about myself and life:

*He will, truly, never leave me or forsake me
*I will never be able to see in full the intricate story He is weaving
*I participate best in this story of mine when I am like a child, loving vulnerably and whole hardheartedly (even if my dreams are shattered, even if I get hurt, even if His decision isn't mine)
*I will fail at being perfect every time
*There's no sense drinking toilet water when you can have living water
*All that matters is what happens in the secret place between Jesus andI
*He cannot be manipulated by my short-sighted fits (And I'm glad)
*He will not let me get in the way of me
*He is faithful to me
*He will author and bring to fruition every heart's desire (Mostly just because He delights in me)
*He can take me yelling at Him. He won't go anywhere. He values honesty over fakeness
*To love Him means to obey Him
*He's a better God than me
*What people think about me or my choices will never weigh in comparison to His thoughts
*Community is essential; I wasn't meant to do it alone
*I can't muscle my way to changing myself. But He holds the key when I release control.
*Don't trust your feelings.
*He is not holding out on me
*All the good and even most of the bad...I like it. I've slipped into my own skin. And it fits.
*Life lived for others matters. And not just in grandiose ways. In the little things.
*I am more than a conqueror and this is only the beginning

Jeremiah 31:3 "The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness."

Romans 2:4 "Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?"

You see, you can't get to those bullets over night. And every stitch of them seems glacially slow and unproductive. But it matters what you do in the secret. It matters whether or not you are getting to know Jesus. Because He really is alive, He really has loved you with everlasting love, He really is trying to draw you with his loving-kindness.

And even when it seems like all of it may be for nothing or that no progress is being made, I'd still rather be going after one little seam after another, stitch by stitch in this life with Him and the people around me than anyone else...doing any other thing.

xoxo,
mp