I had a conversation with some friends of mine last night. Out of the many topics that were touched the concept of white noise was mentioned. I've heard the term before both in it's actual meaning and in it's application as a metaphor but something about my encounter with it last night was different.
Good 'ole Merriam Webster defines white noise as:
a heterogeneous mixture of sound waves extending over a wide frequency range that has been used to mask out unwanted noise interfering with sleep-called also white sound
Dang. Applying this definition to it's metaphorical purpose left me realizing that, try as I may to avoid it, my life is constantly filled up with this white noise.
Have you ever read Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis? It tells a tale of the devil and his minions plots against humans; how to get them off course subtly, how to keep them off course, how to distract them, how to ensure that they never really connect to God or have power in their life. A lot of this is true. In fact, most readers after finishing the book end with a sense of eeriness because we see our lives played out in that book. But make no mistake. A lot of this white noise we deal with is not just "Da debil". It's us. At least that's true in my life.
It's my constant avoidance of the real, true, God.
It's my inability to be raw and real with myself and Jesus.
It's my incessant need to fill up moments.
It's my fear of being alone with myself, my thoughts, my demons.
And this has gotten better. A lot better. But it's still in my being and if I'm not careful it slowly invites itself back in.
Let's take that definition of white noise apart real quick:
1.) Heterogeneous mixture of sound waves- Different types of distractions taking on the form of good and bad things. But remember, not all white noise is overtly bad in nature. It can look extremely productive or meaningful.
2.) Extending over a wide frequency range- It invites itself into every area of your life, permeating itself without invitation into every vacuum of quietness. And really, that's what He needs to be heard...quietness.
3.) Used to mask unwanted noise- Unwanted to who? This white noise, constant worrying, new goals or obsessions will inevitably mask the otherwise open opportunity to hear something, connect to something, realize something else far more important.
So, I'll be honest...I'm a hot mess. I've gotten off track.
If I were to be honest with myself...I did it on purpose.
It's not easy facing yourself and being real with God.
It's terrifying.
But the truth is, He is for me. He is good. He is not surprised by my lack of perfection and my inability to love Him like He deserves.
He knew I would be like that.
He chose me anyway.
This isn't a normal love, one that's conditional.
He's not like everyone else, He won't leave.
I don't have to be perfect and I can mess it up and come to Him.
I'm gonna try and get rid of this white noise.
And be careful to not have it come back.
And it's gonna take a lifetime to train myself...
xoxo,
mp
No comments:
Post a Comment