For His Glory (The Worst of Sinners)

-Quick Journal Sketch by William Head:)

Yesterday, William and I got to church early. We were suppose to have a membership meeting but it got canceled. Instead, we got a chance to sit while they practiced worship. I started to just flip through the highlighted sections of my bible and read out scripture to both of us. While listening, William sketched me. Afterwards during worship, I was so filled with thanksgiving. First, for realizing I was sitting in a place of worship with a man who is the promise of God fulfilled in my life, realizing God has given me all the desires of my heart (I mean, a man who wants to sketch you and listen to the Word of God read out loud?!)

 I feel like God in a rush of an instant went through the story of His love for me so far. Rapidly, snapshots and images ran through my head of different time frames of my life, seasons, and moments with the Lord. Afterwards, God had me sit down during worship and write the following:

"1 Timothy 1:16 'But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on Him and receive eternal life.' Jesus, as I reflect on my life, I can't believe how true what you said in the darkness with me really is. When I was spinning in circles, confused, lost, and really bruised...You began the work in me. You slowly began bandaging me up. You began whispering to the places deep inside me. 

It was dark...but You spoke light.

You slowly increased light, gently revived my heart, gave me hope, and brought me to life. You stripped me down and ripped out the entangling weeds around my heart and spirit. You brought me into covering, a place of community, of discipleship, of structure and of safety. But only after our time together. You spoke to areas that hurt the most and You proved yourself trustworthy with my hurting heart. You slowly showed me I could stop running and that I could let go.

You reconstructed the identity I thought I had...or the one I didn't yet have and set it on a solid and unmovable rock.

I didn't believe I could be made whole, let alone brought into a spacious and peaceful place. You gave me hope and trained me to believe in things unseen. You taught me about batting, about perseverance, about Your Fathership and Leadership. You brought to me a mentor and friend who walked with me through the hardest times and gave me wisdom and tools to fight. You tore down my entire old house and build a new one from the group up. And in the right time and not a moment too soon or late...you brought me him. William. Only after discipleship, after I had routine, after I was surrounded by good community, and after healing. You brought me to the farthest place I could go and you knew we would be able to take each other to other places we couldn't without each other. 

And now I am settled. I have victory in the battle with emotions and with the past and with hurt and with sin. I have structure. I have safety. I have an identity in You. I have support and love. I know what brings me life and what brings death. I've stopped running from what You wanted to accomplish in me and I let you do what needed to be done. And all along the way I kept crying out, "Jesus, don't give up on me." as I stumbled and fell and got back up again.

And now, it's calm. Peaceful. Quiet.

And I have a teammate to hold hands with and walk into this next season.

Thank You. For pushing me forward when I didn't think I could take one more step. For giving me strength to persevere when I couldn't imagine my heart bearing a single ounce more.

You made me whole and you now are refining me.

And the best part, the most valuable lesson I got from all of this...You did this because You delight in me. And most importantly, 

You did this for everyone else coming behind me. 

For Your glory, for others. That I may speak with power to the same areas in others hearts. Because I have victory in those places. Because there were no short cuts taken. Because I know by testimony and tears the power of your resurrecting love and faithfulness.

Thank you. I can only show You thanks with my worship. With my life. Dedicated to you.

So use me. I'll say yes. Never let me go."

You see, my story of coming to know the Lord was not a quick and radical change from the way I was. It was a slow, painstakingly slow, process of becoming consecrated to the Lord. And He was patient. And He was faithful to His promises.

Recently, I revisted my old church. The place I got saved at, the place where it began. One of the members there kept looking at me, almost confused about what it was that was different. He just kept saying "You have matured, Meg somethings different. You're mature". I could tell he kept looking on, kept pondering what it was that seemed different than the last time he saw me.

Later on that day, a friend I visited with texted me this:

"He kept saying you have matured. But I think you are now whole"

God will finish the work that He started in you.

And He will use it for His glory.

xoxo,

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