In an instant I came up with a likely scenario; divorced parents, joint custody, midnight pick up.
Funny because I had had such an incredible day with the people I cherished most. But here I was in that moment, a woman on the brink of a quarter of a century, an inner-city youth educator, living independently, in my dream career, with community all around me, friends who love me, victorious over many battles, a conqueror of generational cycles...and I was that 4 year old again.
It was the strangest feeling. To sit in the car that I can pay for on my own, pulling up to the house that God had made it possible for me to live in, coming back from a day filled with people He has brought into my life. In one rapid moment, a mix of sadness and gratitude struck my heart.
Gratitude because I realized in that instant how much has happened in 25 years. I realized the magnitude of the hard decisions that had to be made to bring me to this moment. I reflected on the power of Jesus to totally change and shift a general trajectory for someone's life.
Sadness because I have learned to recognize all feelings as they come to the surface. And so...I felt it. I let myself feel whatever it was my heart needed to feel. And that was sadness. Sadness for myself and for this little girl. Sadness because of the effects of broken homes, mourning the lack of stability and wholeness that comes from two stable parents, and remembering what it felt like to be that little girl; what she didn't realize then and what she didn't know would happen later.
I'm going to pray for that little girl. That her story would be the same.
Sometimes in the hours that push into days, the 365 mornings we wake up to that turn into a year, and the years that blur together to form a dramatic change from what used to be...we forget how far He has taken us.
I know that God provided me that moment last night. And what better time than last night. What better time than while I was full of thanks and euphoria from a day filled with love and solid relationships. It was like I was watching my 4 year old self and He was saying, "Look what I saw when I saw you, look how I saved you, look how far I have taken you, look how much you said yes to, look at what it used to be like, and look where you are now".
And so I just want to say, thank You, Jesus.
For seeing me as I saw that little girl last night; unaware, helpless, and deserving of more love.
Thank you for giving me a different story than what could have been.
Thank you for taking what the enemy meant for evil and making it good.
Thank you for healing now the hurts that were caused then.
Thank you for gently reminding me of how far You and I have come.
Thank you for chasing me.
And it's not all perfect yet (and never will be). I still feel like that 4 year old sometimes; uncertain, surrounded by chaos, feeling unloved, and desiring affection. I still fight the desire to seek out those things in unhealthy ways, to hold on to unforgiveness and anger, and to beat the battle in my mind. But where I am now does not look anything like where I used to be. And He is not finished. And besides, who would we be if it wasn't for all of those yucky things?
No matter what place you're in, take a second to mute the lies that say you are going around the same mountain...and think about where you used to be.
I gaurantee more ground has been gained than you think.
And before you put another item on your "Need to be Perfect To-Do List",
dance a little for how far you and Jesus have come!
He really deserves the thank you.
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