I have a lot of friends who love the book The Giving Tree. In fact, one of my girlfriends Jess even has a beautiful tattoo of it on her arm. But I need to confess something; although I realized the book stood for deep, profound, beautiful things...reading it has always infuriated me.
How terrible is that? A book about giving of yourself to the happiness of others made me angry. And you know why? I think it's because I felt sad for the tree. To me, it was weakness. Why didn't the tree stick up for itself? Tell the boy he was being selfish. Explain to the boy what was right to ask for and what was not OK. Tell him that it was one-sided and that he was cut off. And why couldn't the boy have been a better friend? But I'm wrong.
I was reading in Philippians today and it's clear-to give all of you is right, to hold back is wrong. Self-preservation is wrong. Being closed off is wrong. The whole Bible makes that clear. For goodness sake, Jesus should NOT have given Himself like He did, right?! Imagine if He didn't do for us what we very well deserved to have not done...
It's because I have been in self-preservation mode, because I needed to take care of myself and survive, because I was looking out for me and felt like if I gave too much, everyone would take all of me, leave, and there would be nothing left. But what that's created is selfishness. Holding back from others what God has put in me to give. To hold on to your life, you lose it. To die is to gain. How could I have missed this? It's not that I didn't read it, it's that I didn't believe it. It's that I thought my way was right and that God was confused on this one. But it's the inside, outside, upside Kingdom. He will not let me give more than I am able to give, and He will sustain me.
Now, this isn't to say that you are extreme about this concept. You don't let yourself get walked all over and beaten up. You don't do it to people please or to gain affection. You do it to glorify your Father. You do it because you are to consider others above you. You do it because at the end of your life, if you self-preserved perfectly and always didn't give if someone didn't deserve it or was asking what you thought was too much...it wouldn't mean a thing.
So, God is calling me to be like this giving tree. Even if it's scary.
And to let go of this idea of survival and self-preservation, because it's not Biblical.
God will provided for all of my needs, I don't need to play that role anymore.
And maybe no one noticed, maybe it never seemed like it was like that-but God knows my inner world and heart...
So I wanted to say I'm sorry, to Him and to anyone I have held back from.
I'm sorry if I didn't compliment when I should have, or encouraged you when I should have.
I'm sorry if I didn't let you into my world when you deserved to be in there.
I'm sorry if I only got out of it what I needed and left you without what you needed.
I'm sorry if I didn't extend my forgiveness when you hurt me.
I'm sorry I didn't give.
Because I want to be about the interests of others and not just my own.
Proverbs 17:11, "He who builds a high gate invites destruction".
High gates are there for protection. Sometimes we build up our own city gates around our worlds for the same reason. Although wisdom is important, the battle is for the Lord. More destruction comes from gating everyone else out.
xoxo,
mp
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