"I'll take my cold, cold heart. I'll take my un-renewed mind. I'll take Your Word in my hand and then I'll give You time to come and melt me." -Misty Edwards
God is melting me, my heart, my pride, my inability to accept love.
I remember years ago a conversation I had with Jesus. It came from a very honest place in my heart. It went something like this:
Me: Jesus, everyone talks about how much they love You. I don't think I can say that. I don't think I love You. When I say it out loud, it feels silly. It feels weird. It feels fake. I'm sorry.
Jesus: ....
Me: I want to love You. Actually, I don't think I even know You. I want to know you, too.
Jesus: ...
Me: Jesus, I really want to know what it's like to LOVE YOU. To KNOW YOU. To be able to really say "I love you, Lord".
Jesus: ...
The Misty Edwards song goes on to say,
"I can't even love You unless you call my name. I can't even worship unless you annoint my heart, God. I can't even want You unless you want me first. Come fan the flame."
Well, if I've learned anything in this walk with the Lord it's that when you are raw and open with the Lord, when your requests to Him match His desires...they are answered in some radical ways. Not long after this prayer, I came into a season that I think back on now with a few key words, "Jealous love, pursuit, faithfulness, beloved" This was the season Jesus started to show me He is captivated by me, that He created me, that He is in love with my heart, that He delights in me even right where I am. He started to prove to me His faithfulness, and speak to my heart in daily things. This was when I started talking about "Jesus kisses". Ask anyone around me and they will tell you how crazy I sounded back then. Sometime, I'll talk more about this concept that was coined. Basically, it's as if you have a boyfriend wooing you with gifts and tokens of affection except the boyfriend is Jesus and He makes sunsets and heart-shaped leaves instead of chocolates for you.
So, Jesus started wooing me. And just like any relationship, there comes a point when you are captured by all of the beautiful, butterfly-type love; the esthetically pleasing things. And then it gets serious. Commitment is asked of you and issues bubble up. At the core, I didn't understand unconditional love and faithfulness. And this was when He began to prove Himself faithful. Like a boyfriend proving to a girl he loves, who has been hurt too much, that he is unlike the others and will never go anywhere, Jesus began very consistently showing me that nothing I could do would ever push Him away.
And believe me, I tried to push Him away.
I cheated, I lied, I held back love, I ignored, I got angry. But at the core of all of this was just distrust. I didn't believe that He was really faithful. I thought that eventually I would do something and He would leave. But He says that, "neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:39). I think it might be appropriate to also had in there "yourself" in terms of the "anything else in all creation". We really get in there and mess it up.
Ever met someone who is hell bent on destroying something good out of fear? Maybe things are going really well but you don't think it can really happen. It's called self-destructive behavior. (ha) I may have been trying to ruin this thing subconsciously. Not because I didn't want it but because I so desperately did. If He really is who He says He is and He really does what He says He does and He really thinks about me what He says He thinks about me...than He has power over me. Power to disappoint, power to hurt, power to leave me vulnerable. After all, everyone else has left, has cheated. At some point I become too much for everyone else, why is He different? Well, He is.
And in the middle of this season of our relationship, after the excitement and request for commitment, and testing of His love...He reminds me of where we started. The little inside secrets we had. The "Jesus kisses", the wooing, the whispers about balloons that He ignited in my heart.
Listen, I don't know why I love balloons, ok. It just came out of nowhere, but I'm obsessed.
And here is the end of my story (or beginning maybe?).
The other day I was driving past an abandoned building I had gone to with some friends and explored. I go by this building often. The other day, I drove by and looked as I always did and what I saw almost brought me to tears. Right next to the building, for no other reason that a blatant Jesus kiss there were 7-10 colored, ginormous, helium balloons staked into the ground. So what else could I do? I dragged my housemate out with me and I investigated. And I stole one.
I want to cry just now even thinking about it. And look, some of you may be thinking, "Listen, you emotional hot mess, it's just balloons by a building." And maybe you're right. But maybe, just maybe, the whispers in secret between you and the Maker of Your desires could actually be orchestrated into a random display of devotion and understanding. You see, He is the only one who really knows me. He knows me so much that before I understand why I love this balloon-thing, He understands.
And what else do we really desire in life than to truly be known by someone?
If this is all true, it's scandalous.
That means that after all the times I turned on Him, traded Him in for a more immediate physical relationships, infidelity on my part, disbelief, and anger...He still looked foolish for my sake. He layed down what everyone else would say He deserved...and He chose me. He pursued me instead.
And it worked.
Something in me recognizes that although it's hard to accept, He is not going anywhere.
That a God that I can't see and that I can't touch really speaks to me and passionately pursues me.
That a God that created sunsets with the brush of His hand is jealous over my heart.
My first blog I ever posted on here talked about sending unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others as well as anxieties up in a balloon. And I think it's appropriate I do it now.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Maybe, this week, look for some "Jesus kisses". They're different for everyone.
Maybe, this week, stop fighting it.
I'm going to let Him melt me.
xoxo
mp
PS- The adventure ended with a quote from Kimberly pretending we were about to get caught my a cop as we walked back to my car. It went something like this,
"Hello officer. What had happened was, my hippie Jesus freak friend thought Jesus put these balloons out here for her. So we drove out here, illegally parked in this vacant, off-limit lot, trespassed private property, stole city property, and returned to the car with said contraband because Jesus told her to. You understand, right?"
I love her.
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